Doritos, Cheetos, and Fritos, Oh My!

Normally, I don't blog about work. But you know what, I'm not really talking about work. I'm about to share with you one of my deepest frustrations known to employees around the globe:

Yes. Shitty Vending Machine Options.

Many an employee suffers at the hands of SVMO. I noticed today just HOW shitty the options are. I was eating lunch in our break room and my friend J (punch-a-pony) walks in. He makes his usual joke about buying the Chuckles.

Yea, we have CHUCKLES in our vending maching. Chuckles. Wtf is a Chuckle ANYWAY?!

So J says "I'm totally gonna buy the Chuckles." And then I really thought about what's in the vending maching. There are about 8 different chip options. Of those 8, 6 of them have some sort of cheese on them: Cheetos, Nacho Cheese Doritos, Cheezits, Sun Chips Harvest Cheddar, Smartfood White Cheddar popcorn, and Cheddar & Sour Cream chips. Then there are plain Lays chips, that really, no one likes. And FRITOS. Who the f*%k eats Fritos?! If you want to pump a load of salt and nasty overprocessed curly tortilla chips in your body, go for it.

Then we've got the few things us normal workers would eat like Peanut M&M's. A Twix every now and then. And the all important Cup O' Noodles.

What else is in there? PayDays (J had to explain to me that these are basically freakin sticks of caramel dunked in a barrel of peanuts), a $2.00 Zoe PowerBar, Apple Cinnamon oatmeal, Brown Sugar Pop-Tarts, Plain ChexMix, TrailMix, and Cream Cheese and Chives crackers. And we still have the Chuckles guys. Don't forget the Chuckles. Another co-worker sitting at the table confessed to me that he has to come to the vending maching 3 times before he succumbs to finally buying some form of a "snack." But it takes 3 tries before he can even force himself to do anything about his hunger pangs.

I've decided to write a passive-aggressive note to the vending machine man (because this isn't really something that the company has control over) and stick it on the inside of the vending machine so when he comes to fill it, he will see this through the glass:

Dear Vending Machine Man,

Please stop putting shit in the vending machine. Have you noticed that you haven't had to refill the Chuckles? Yes. Because no one EATS the Chuckles. About 95% of the company can't even tell you what a Chuckle is. Please give us snacks that aren't covered in cheese. I would like to live past 35 years of age, and might appreciate a healthier snack, or maybe even the Doritos that MOST people like (which would be the blue bag). Please consider our plea. If you would like to find out what we like to snack on, you are more than welcome to survey the floor and we will happily assist you in choosing appropriate products for the machine.
Thank you for your time and at least for giving us Peanut M&M's.

The Floor