I Met a Book I Did Not Like

Hello readers! Instead of 2012 being the Year of the Dragon, it will hopefully be the Year of the Book. I had the small luxury of reading one book over the holiday break. And let me tell you....I did not like it. Very rarely do I come across a book I don't at least have a little bit of "eh" for. Perhaps it wasn't so much the book, as it was the author writing the material with her smug sense of self. The book was titled "Of Thee I Zing" by Laura Ingraham. Now, I'm not into politics at all but I quickly learned her agenda and whose team she was playing for (political team people). This book is her stab at the current state of American culture and pop culture. She really does cover everything. I will admit that there are some things that I did agree with her on, like dressing babies up to look like "prostitots" as she called them. But her views were just way too conservative for me.

So over the course of the next few blogs, I wanted to address the many things in her book that I DO NOT agree with. I hope you'll read a few of the entries, as they might pertain to you, something you've experienced, something you want to yell about because you don't agree, or maybe you do!

I'll be posting shortly on the specific topics I wanted to discuss from her book, so keep a look out!

On Why I Can't Ever Take Cutesy Pics of Jovie

You all know what I'm talking about. All those photos people take of their infants in their birthday suits. They are wearing pearls or a tie or whatever, and nothing else. Perhaps taken on a sheepskin rug or something of the like to make them look all cute and warm and fuzzy.

See, I can't get down with that. Yes, it's cute when other parents do it. But Jovie? I can't. I have the perpetual fear that Jovie will piss all over the rug or take a massive baby poop. The girl pooped RIGHT on my leg when she was immediately born, then peed all over me for my birthday 2 weeks later. Then she blew out her diaper on me multiple times. Literally on me. So no, I do not trust her to be all quaint and cute for some photography session. And I'm fairly sure the owner of the studio would not want to take back their props soiled with last night's dinner. So therefore, I settle for any other random shot we can get of her.....and they usually turn out just fine. :-)

Haiku in the Key of Employment

Heading back to work
I wish I had more days off
Now what do I do?

Austin Children's GermPit....I mean Museum

Hello 2012! I forgot to mention what Jovie and I did last week, way back in ye olde 2011.

I took JoLo to the Austin Children's Museum a few days ago after we met Ryan for lunch at his job. We get there and I already knew that a child 12 months of age or older would cost $4.50. Which I STILL think is a bit steep for a kid who JUST turned 1. We're in line and I easily could have lied about her age. It's not like she's husky or anything. The woman behind the counter asked me how old Jovie was and I smiled and tried this:
"Oh, she JUST turned 12 months about a week ago! Isn't that crazy?"
Her response??
"That'll be $4.50 for her and $6.50 for you."
Whore.

See what I get for being totally honest? Anyway, we walk in and there's a tiny tiny area called "Rising Star Ranch" which is made for 2 year olds and younger. This is what I wanted for Jovie anyway but when we finally got there, I about did a double take with how small it was. It was NO ranch indeed. It was more like a closet. While doing activities in said "ranch," here is what I learned:

1) Other moms who breastfeed gravitate only to those other moms who can whip their tits out in rising star ranches. You get placed in one of these weird and awkward social situations (almost an experiment) because you're in an enclosed space and you are chasing your toddler around. I tried to come out of my shell and be that mom who can talk to anyone, but these 2 skanks completely looked at me like I was beneath them because I could not contribute to their breastfeeding conversation. Don't get me wrong, good for you if you can breastfeed. I did for a few weeks IF that, and Jovie was stubborn, it didn't work for us. She is PERFECTLY 100% fine and healthy from her bottle and her attachment to me is normal. I don't need to be made to feel as if I'm not part of an elite club. I then moved to a different part of the townhou-I mean ranch.

2) Oh god, who didn't change their kid's diaper? It smells like poo all up-oh wait......oh god...that's my kid. OHMYGOD that's my child cropdusting all over this place. Once they are really eating ALOT of food and table food, those diapers can fill up one right after the other. I didn't possibly think it was Jovie because she was JUST changed about 30 minutes prior. Oh it so was. And the only way to keep her still is by asking her to "help me" by holding the powder while I change her.

3) The hipster with the 30 keys, square glasses, and plain wife were about the coolest people there. No judging on appearance alone. Their 15 month old Ira was the most adorable baby, they were down to earth, and we were laughing about all the things our kids do, like waving to people AFTER they leave already. Ira also hobo hops and I got to witness it. It was even more fantastical watching an older kid do it.

4) I will always be a protective mama bear, even if yes, that means giving someone else's kid the stank eye because he ran up, stared at Jovie and stole the toy she was playing with. Uh hello, it's not cute. My kid had the yellow ball, your kid can have the green one. Make him wait. Because the next time it happens, I will tell your kid to pick another toy. Because it did happen again. And I did say it and gave the ball back to Jovie.

5) Hey macho dad there with no ring on and a year old son with your compression shirt, Nike's and work out pants! You brought a bookbag full of toys, even though we're at the museum, and positioned yourself strategically among the young moms. Wrong place to pick up ladies amigo. Try a less hippy museum.

6) No matter how much you want to believe that the toy your kid just put in her mouth wasn't recently in some other kid's mouth, it's a lie. It was in EVERY SINGLE ONE of those kids' mouths. And no parent decided it was dirty enough to place in the "Sanitize Me Please!" box. I placed a good number of toys in there until I realized...we're at a public daycare. Whatever, at least she's not eating someone else's snot or ringleading mischief like she does at daycare.

So will I go back? Hmm....I think that's questionable. I may bring Ryan so he can see it and decide if it's a place worthy of a 3rd visit, but I want to be around parents of all kinds in a bigger space. I will readily admit that based on 1 visit each alone, the Boston Children's Museum was MUCH better.

Peace Out 2011

University of Miami @univmiami

Be proud of all you have accomplished this year #CanesFamily. Here's to an even better new year 

This was a tweet from my alma mater. I thought about it. What do I feel that I accomplished this year?

Not a whole damn lot that's for sure. In fact, it's been a fairly terrible year. I retract any earlier statements about looking forward to 2012. I am "cautiously optimistic" about it. We'll see.

Me and JoLo

It's just me and the baby today. One on one. Baby vs. mama. In a battle against her dad, she usually wins (sorry Ryan). But I'm a bit more stubborn. Today is going to be interesting.

But I'm also going to take her to the museum. We can do SO MANY ACTIVITIES TODAY! (first person to correctly guess what movie I'm referencing here wins a hug)

So what should we do??

Tearjerker

I know. You never know what it'll be like when your parents join Facebook. But I love the fact that my mom is finally hip to technology.

A friend from high school, ok let me rephrase...a brother from high school passed away 2 weeks ago. I've been questioning alot since then and sending pictures of memories to my best friend and other brother since then. As I'm scrolling down my mom's posts on her page, I see this that I didn't see before:

Dear Alonzo,
I have so many great memories of you in my home back in Lexi's room.
You guys solved a lot of problems in that room. You were funny and didn't care what others thought of you. I admired that about you. Rest in peace my friend and I will miss you!! Mama H.


Yep. I about cried. Alonzo, I love you so much and I miss you. I hope you're settled and finally at peace.

Haiku in the Key of Christmas

Christmas, you are here
No shopping has been done yet
Does Best Buy still ship?

Missing Hand Jesus

I walked into our guest room the other day to work on some crafts. I glanced on the dresser and there was a little statue of Jesus I had never seen before on there. Naturally, I freaked. I mean, cmon, you'd freak too if you walked into a room and saw a random statue of Jesus in there. I look even closer, and oh wait, Jesus is missing a hand! The hand is in a small, clear box right next to him. This just kept getting better.

I go to the top of the stairs and this conversation ensues:
Lexi: Uh, Ry.....there's a Jesus in the guest room.

Ryan: Yea, my mom brought him down this past weekend.

Lexi: Ok, that's all well and good, but he's missing a hand. And the hand is just in a box right next to him. Why is Jesus missing a hand??

Ryan: I think I was playing in my room as a kid and he fell off a stand or something; the hand broke off.

Lexi: Hm, ok. Still very strange. I mean, Jesus isn't strange, but the random Jesus popping up out of nowhere is strange.

Ryan: Yea, my mom mentioned it to me over the phone before they came and I guess I forgot about it. My grandfather gave it to me so I suppose she brought it for this trip.

Lexi: Okay....that's fine. I just needed some more background info. I think you'd freak too if you walked into Jovie's room and a mini Jesus statue was suddenly judging you from her dresser.

Clothes are Family

Sometimes I take surveys online. I happened to take one recently about apparel. I know NOT MUCH about apparel besides the fact that I still do not fit into my pre-pregnancy apparel. However, there's a point in the survey that's asking about a specific store. Please just view the statements.....because they're a smidge on the ridic side.......



Ann Taylor Loft......I'll be in tears if you ever leave me!!!

Lord.

To my Jovie

Baby girl,

I don't even know where I should start. It's like a love letter but for a toddler I suppose. Jovie, I can't believe that you are 1 today, can you? No, because you won't remember this. You put us through so much this year that I don't even know where to begin. You were stubborn from the start.

We didn't want to know if you were a boy or a girl. We waited patiently. But I had so many emotional outburts during my pregnancy that I should have known that you were a girl. You were a drama queen from the start. You were born at 6:03pm. 7lbs, 2oz, 19 inches. You stopped breathing 10 minutes later. You fought breastfeeding and then food altogether. Wasn't quick enough, wasn't good enough. You were a diva.

Turned out that the early feeding issues were linked to reflux and a milk allergy. We had a rough go JoLo. I suffered. You suffered. I screamed and cried all through your first month and I couldn't wait to go back to work. I was convinced you hated us. I should have trusted my instinct with you all along and taken you to the doctor for tummy troubles. But we went, and you were a new baby.

You started to grow, develop...turn into a true infant before my eyes. I was so attached to you I would barely let anyone hold you for longer than a few seconds. Went back to work and it was nice being back, having adult conversations but oh, the pain of missing your warm body.

Jovie, I moved you from Massachusetts to Texas to provide a better life for you. So we could afford to live the way we wanted. You're in daycare now and thriving. We're rebuilding again. But you're so strong and resilient that you've handled every change with as much grace as a 1 year old can have (which is barely any...baby grace I suppose). We get comments all the time about how happy you are and how smart you are. And you make me proud each and every single day.

Baby girl, today you turned 1. And as you sleep soundly in your crib to awake to just another December day tomorrow remember this: I have never been more proud of anything in my entire life than I am to be your mother. You make the world go 'round for me and your father. You make my bad days whole again. You make me feel accomplished and that I'm leading a purpose-driven life. You are my purpose, you are my love.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Love always,
Mama (or in your own speak, "Mum mum mum mamamama")