Never a bad time to shop

Those that know me, know that I like to shop. So sue me! I like to shop. I don't always buy anything, but even just browsing makes me happy. And I have a few weaknesses, such as H&M, the GAP, Nine West....the list goes on. But I have one special place in my heart for one particular shopping mall. It's called SkyMall. Yes, that's EXACTLY the SkyMall I'm talking about. The free magazine in the seatback pocket right behind the instructional pamphlet that tells you what to do in case the plane crashes? Yea, THAT magazine. Because to be honest, if the plane is going to crash, at least I looked through things I wanted to buy and laughed about them rather than spending time perfecting my tuck and roll and fetal position that will inevitably NOT save me if we crash ANYWHERE. That SkyMall.

I have a ritual. During take-off, if the airline has SkyMall, I HAVE to flip through it. It helps to keep my mind off the noise that the right side of the plane is making during take-off that sounds like my Cusinart times 50, but slightly broken. Wait, maybe that was the baby crying in seat 12E. Either way, I love me some SkyMall. So the last time the ManLosch and I flew, I thought to myself "Man, this is BLOG-WORTHY. Look at all this cool stuff!" So I decided to get my airfare's worth and crammed it in Ryan's backpack. The mag made its way home and onto his futon in his office along with some of my other shit.

Fastfoward to yesterday, when I was inspired to write about SkyMall and IT WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. ManLosch threw it out (he recycled it). I threw a shitfit and he just kinda blanky stared at me and said "Uh, I'm sorry?" No big; it turned out that we were picking my friend Joey up at the airport that night and he was flying USCrapways, so for sure they'd have a copy. I texted him, in hopes that he'd turn his phone on as the plane was touching down (I MAY have done it once or twice). The text read (and I quote) "Ok, so u already left. If you get this BEFORE deplaning and USCrapways has SkyMall, PLEASE BRING ME ONE!!! U know, the magazine :-) its free, its not theft:)" Because LaLosch has taken a few things from planes that weren't necessarily "free" before, but I decided that since I had spent $200 in airfare, that the least Delta could do was suck up a few blankets. And Joey came through for me and brought me SkyMall. Love ya Joey.

I absolutely HAD to share with you all the crap that I NEED from SkyMall. Because whoever came up with the idea to shop WHILE in the sky for COMPLETELY useless shit is a genius. I now present to you all my useless SkyMall crap:

The Marshmallow Shooter: Because I need a Nerf-type gun that only shoots marshmallows at people. But how awesome would that thing be?! I would shoot people with marshmallows from my living room window as they got off the bus. It's dishwasher safe AND comes with a target to practice with.

The Easy iPod Media Sharer: Because this contraption looks a little like the iPod's are scissoring or having some kind of data sex. Love it.

gogo Kidz© Travelmate: Because I want my future kid to look like I'm pulling him/her as a suitcase. It boasts a "quick release strap" that allows you to go from carseat to kid-on-wheels in seconds! The "quick release strap" also allows your kid to go from yours to kidnapped in just seconds!!

Trips to Vegas: Because nothing says flying to another destination then me shopping for a trip to Vegas on a completely different airline (I'm such a bitch).

Shit to put in my non-existent garden: Because everyone needs a zombie/meerkat/yeti/lion in a tree/sumo wrestler in their yard. It's that simple. The real question is why WOULDN'T you buy this for your yard? Hmm??

The NeckPro Traction Device: Because I need a device that hangs over a door to "reduce neck pain." So I'm expected to just insert my head into this contraption, that HANGS over a door to fix my neck and other maladies? So when the police come and see a 100lb girl hanging from the door from asphyxiation, no one's gonna question it? Just gonna look the other way huh?

Mailbox Chime: Because I sit at home waiting for the mail to come. No more will I have to look through the mail slot because I'll know EXACTLY when the mail comes. Because I stalk the postman like that. Because I apparently don't have a job and I need to know when all our bills come through the slot.

AND LAST BUT NOT CERTAINLY LEAST........

The Slanket: Because the Snuggie wasn't a rip-off enough. Someone came up with the Slanket. You already know how I feel about the Snuggie, so realllllllly, this shouldn't be a surprise. It's "not your ordinary blanket." DUH PEOPLE! It's a Slanket! And the Slanket comes in 5 colors. Take THAT Snuggie.

Next time you fly, just take out the SkyMall in your seatback pocket. No really, just DO IT, because there's so much AWESOME stuff in there. And it's so much better than reading about the flotation devices in the overhead compartment. Now don't forget to secure your mask before old man Skippy's next to you. Instead, you should secure his neck traction device. I hear it works wonders for that pain in your neck.