Swine Flu Hits The Catholics

ManLosch and I went to Mass this morning (natch). We sat, did our initial prayers, and waited for Mass to begin. Well, the priest, Father Al, had a few morning announcements. Due to the increasing swine flu epidemic/pandemic/paranoiademic, a few changes would be happening in the church. So ManLosch and I silent the voices in our heads (okay, only I silent the voices in my head) to listen.

Father Al reminds us of all the Purell stations around the sanctuary. Then he said "I'm sure you all noticed that when you walked in, there was no holy water. The Archdiocese has made the recommendation to remove all holy water stations until further notice." YOU SERIOUS?! REALLY? Then he says "If you need holy water for your home, please see me and we can make arrangements." I looked at ManLosch and was like "Is this for real??"

Then he continues. He says "During Communion, there will only be the host. The Archdiocese has also recommended that we do not offer the wine. We will continue to take the wine when blessing the host. Also, if you can try to refrain from taking the host directly on the tongue, that would help." I was alright with that. Even though the wine DOES help wash down my tasteless Jeezit, I figured I'd survive. I mean, if Jesus survived in the desert for 40 days, I think I can survive eating a cracker that's supposed to be him without the grape juice follow up (Belmont is a dry town people).

THEN IT GETS BETTER. Father Al continues. He says "Last, The Archdiocese has also recommended that we do not offer each other a sign of peace. Where normally we would turn to our brothers and sisters in the congregation to shake hands and offer a friendly hello, you will only respond with 'And also with you' after I say 'May Peace Be With You Always.' After that, we will go straight into Communion." WHHHHAAAAT?! If you read my blog then you KNOW how much I abhor the "Peace Be With You" part of Mass. So when he said this, ManLosch looked at me and laughed because I nearly jumped out of the pew in excitement.

So during Mass, ManLosch and I kept making jokes like "Oh, please don't touch the songbook. See that spot? That's swine flu" or "Please don't pray out loud because if you open your mouth, you might spread swine flu." He even said, "Next week, they'll instruct us to NOT come to church, but watch the webcast of Mass and then we can lick the screen when they hold the host up to the camera." I'm surprised that it took this long for the Catholics to get all paranoid about the flu. Wasn't Catholicism around during all the plagues? Were they not sharing wine and bread and handshakes then too? I mean, I'm not complaining about the "Peace Be With You" part, but don't you think ALL of this is a little excessive? Wait, don't tell me out loud. You might spread swine flu.