No Namaste for You

I should have trusted my gut instinct that told me NOT to go to yoga last night. But I went anyway, obviously. And my dear readers, let me share with you my night.

Before I even made it to the locker room, the couple that goes to yoga that I don't like was also walking in. I found out his name is Derrick, so I call him Douchey Derrick. They were walking in right in front of me, and he let the door slam in my face. STRIKE 1. He also then let the door to the yoga studio slam in my face. STRIKE 2 Douche-a-maroo.

I took my usual spot in the back corner, because that's where I find the most peace. I like having the wall as a neighbor. Douchey Derrick and his chippy were busy chatting away before yoga.
Chippy: "I really don't want to invite Karen. Should I?"
DD: "Babe, if you don't want to, you shouldn't."
Chippy: "Well I'm already inviting alot of people that know her, like all in her circle, and NOT her. Does that look bad?"
DD: "Babe, it's totally fine. She won't care. She should know that no one likes her anyway." (Affectionately rubs back of Chippy)

I had to tune out because I was ready to shoot him with an arrow. But I didn't tune out for long, because the yoga teacher, Nina, waltzes in, and nonchalantly informs us that she forgot the music. Ok, whatever. No big. Except, she decided to sit down and start talking about Harry Potter instead. And the weather. And it was about 6:03pm (yoga is supposed to start at 6). I almost blurted out "I pay for a membership. Can we please stop discussing Harry Potter and his weather predictions and get a move on?" but I remained silent in the corner.

Now, don't get me wrong, the actual poses and stretches that she chose this session weren't bad. I enjoyed them. But I've discovered that Nina doesn't like silence. And because she forgot her music, she decided to fill the space with her voice instead, talking about things that had nothing to do with my Ujjayi breathing technique, so I was doing my best to tune it out. Then we went all daycare style and had to pair up to practice our Half Moon pose. Those that know me know that I can be a pretty solitary gal, so pairing up during a time that I reserve for ME, MYSELF, AND I is a big no-no. This isn't the first time Nina has pulled some shit like this. I don't like strangers feeling on my lady business areas, so I was hesitant. But so was the girl next to me and she seemed all tan and glistening, so we figured our pairing was the best we were going to get. She smelled REALLY good (not that I noticed......but I did.....) and was pretty, so at least it helped. Douchey Derrick and his Chippy paired off (a-duh). After he finished stretching her out (mmmhmmmm), he gave her a little pat on the butt. REEEEEEAAAALLLY?! This is not some 3 on 3 pick-up basketball game where she just made some really awesome shot from the balcony or something. This is YOGA. Stop it PLEASE. You have entered a new level of annoyance for me Douchey Derrick.

And the side chatter continued. I was ready to punch a pony at this point. As my Depeche Mode friends will understand..."Enjoy the Silence." PLEASE. I feel like anyone practicing yoga should embrace that. So finally we're at the last 10 minutes of yoga, about to practice our Wheel pose, and these 2 girls just walk in. They're busy chatting and are COMPLETELY oblivious to the fact that a yoga class is still going on. Finally, Nina says "Um..we're still in a yoga session" and one of the girls goes "Oh my God! Like, I didn't-Oh My God." But they just stood there, unsure of what to do. Then Nina kinda head motioned towards the door and they left. Weird.

As I was leaving the locker room, not feeling like I had the best yoga session ever, but at least feeling stretched out, I caught a glimpse of Douchey Derrick and his Chippy MAKING OUT in front of the studio. Sha-What? Stop. Stop it now. You're going to see her again after you change your clothes. This has GOT to stop. You need to stop. I'm serious. I can't handle you anymore.

My night continued to get worse. I had to take my Dizzle (also known as Jordan...he is the LoschDog) to the vet. $200 later, a conversation about ear surgery, and an e-collar that he tried to take off until 1am completely wore me out. I was tired, hungry, and frustrated. I laid a blanket down on the floor and that calmed him. He finally slept and I slept with him on the floor until ManLosch came home from his night shift.

I need a pick-me up. Seriously. And remembering that I have to work this weekend does NOT help. :(

Never a bad time to shop

Those that know me, know that I like to shop. So sue me! I like to shop. I don't always buy anything, but even just browsing makes me happy. And I have a few weaknesses, such as H&M, the GAP, Nine West....the list goes on. But I have one special place in my heart for one particular shopping mall. It's called SkyMall. Yes, that's EXACTLY the SkyMall I'm talking about. The free magazine in the seatback pocket right behind the instructional pamphlet that tells you what to do in case the plane crashes? Yea, THAT magazine. Because to be honest, if the plane is going to crash, at least I looked through things I wanted to buy and laughed about them rather than spending time perfecting my tuck and roll and fetal position that will inevitably NOT save me if we crash ANYWHERE. That SkyMall.

I have a ritual. During take-off, if the airline has SkyMall, I HAVE to flip through it. It helps to keep my mind off the noise that the right side of the plane is making during take-off that sounds like my Cusinart times 50, but slightly broken. Wait, maybe that was the baby crying in seat 12E. Either way, I love me some SkyMall. So the last time the ManLosch and I flew, I thought to myself "Man, this is BLOG-WORTHY. Look at all this cool stuff!" So I decided to get my airfare's worth and crammed it in Ryan's backpack. The mag made its way home and onto his futon in his office along with some of my other shit.

Fastfoward to yesterday, when I was inspired to write about SkyMall and IT WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. ManLosch threw it out (he recycled it). I threw a shitfit and he just kinda blanky stared at me and said "Uh, I'm sorry?" No big; it turned out that we were picking my friend Joey up at the airport that night and he was flying USCrapways, so for sure they'd have a copy. I texted him, in hopes that he'd turn his phone on as the plane was touching down (I MAY have done it once or twice). The text read (and I quote) "Ok, so u already left. If you get this BEFORE deplaning and USCrapways has SkyMall, PLEASE BRING ME ONE!!! U know, the magazine :-) its free, its not theft:)" Because LaLosch has taken a few things from planes that weren't necessarily "free" before, but I decided that since I had spent $200 in airfare, that the least Delta could do was suck up a few blankets. And Joey came through for me and brought me SkyMall. Love ya Joey.

I absolutely HAD to share with you all the crap that I NEED from SkyMall. Because whoever came up with the idea to shop WHILE in the sky for COMPLETELY useless shit is a genius. I now present to you all my useless SkyMall crap:

The Marshmallow Shooter: Because I need a Nerf-type gun that only shoots marshmallows at people. But how awesome would that thing be?! I would shoot people with marshmallows from my living room window as they got off the bus. It's dishwasher safe AND comes with a target to practice with.

The Easy iPod Media Sharer: Because this contraption looks a little like the iPod's are scissoring or having some kind of data sex. Love it.

gogo Kidz© Travelmate: Because I want my future kid to look like I'm pulling him/her as a suitcase. It boasts a "quick release strap" that allows you to go from carseat to kid-on-wheels in seconds! The "quick release strap" also allows your kid to go from yours to kidnapped in just seconds!!

Trips to Vegas: Because nothing says flying to another destination then me shopping for a trip to Vegas on a completely different airline (I'm such a bitch).

Shit to put in my non-existent garden: Because everyone needs a zombie/meerkat/yeti/lion in a tree/sumo wrestler in their yard. It's that simple. The real question is why WOULDN'T you buy this for your yard? Hmm??

The NeckPro Traction Device: Because I need a device that hangs over a door to "reduce neck pain." So I'm expected to just insert my head into this contraption, that HANGS over a door to fix my neck and other maladies? So when the police come and see a 100lb girl hanging from the door from asphyxiation, no one's gonna question it? Just gonna look the other way huh?

Mailbox Chime: Because I sit at home waiting for the mail to come. No more will I have to look through the mail slot because I'll know EXACTLY when the mail comes. Because I stalk the postman like that. Because I apparently don't have a job and I need to know when all our bills come through the slot.

AND LAST BUT NOT CERTAINLY LEAST........

The Slanket: Because the Snuggie wasn't a rip-off enough. Someone came up with the Slanket. You already know how I feel about the Snuggie, so realllllllly, this shouldn't be a surprise. It's "not your ordinary blanket." DUH PEOPLE! It's a Slanket! And the Slanket comes in 5 colors. Take THAT Snuggie.

Next time you fly, just take out the SkyMall in your seatback pocket. No really, just DO IT, because there's so much AWESOME stuff in there. And it's so much better than reading about the flotation devices in the overhead compartment. Now don't forget to secure your mask before old man Skippy's next to you. Instead, you should secure his neck traction device. I hear it works wonders for that pain in your neck.

From The Soul

Having 3 older brothers really does connect you with certain genres of music. What I'm about to share with you is something that I can distinctly remember growing up on: De La Soul. My brothers bumped De La Soul like it was the last hip-hop group alive. Plus, I used to think Sharif looked like Posdonus (for those that DON'T know....PlugOne......if you STILL don't know...."now you tease my PlugOne style, and my PlugOne spectacles....). So I can remember trying out the RunningMan in my green sweatpants in the living room to my favorite song: Me, Myself, and I.
Below, you shall find one of my favorite hip-hop groups. Please enjoy.

La Losch Funk

So it's July and I've barely seen the sun. And La Losch has not quite been herself lately (I'm so awesome that I can speak in the 3rd person).

Constant rain, no sun, no warm weather. It's been a depressing few months for me. I'm trying hard to shake this weird funk, so I'm throwing myself into writing more in the next few weeks. Shh, don't disturb me.

Oh yea, I'm back from Canada. No Jared, there were no cars with square wheels. That was a nice break from the usual, but I'm back to the funk. La Losch Funk. I'd like to shake it. And I'm open to suggestions (other than moving, we signed a lease for another year, so yea...).

Canada Bound, Ay

I'm headed to Canada tomorrow morning bitches. Which means I'm traveling internationally. Which means I don't have an international cell phone plan. Which means, NO MOBILE BLOGGING (sad panda face).

However, my hotel has free Canadian internets in the room, so we'll see. I don't wanna get charged for that internet money(if you DON'T know this reference.....then God help us all). A few of my friends have found it quite ironic that I'm leaving the country for the 4th of July. It is a little ironic, but you know what? I'm full of ironic twists and turns, so shut up and read my blog.

I'm going with my best friend, his roommate, and her friend. And apparently, our mutual friend will be up there too. Why is everyone going to Montreal for the 4th of July? Either way, I have to find my passport. Actually, Ryan has to find my passport. If I didn't have Ryan, I probably would lose my hand in the dishwasher or something. Anytime I get some important document (hmmm..like a passport...a marriage certificate..), he immediately takes it from me like a little kid and stores it somewhere secret and safe, because if I ever found out where it was, I'd somehow lose it within 30 seconds of possession. I'll let him pack my bag too. He always packs my bag when we go somewhere because if I did it, a bet a goat would end up in my bag, because I'm a horrible packer. I just throw stuff in and call it a day. He rolls things, organizes shit, and somehow can fit 3 days worth of clothes for me AND him in ONE CARRY-ON piece of luggage. No ladies...he is NOT up for grabs. He is MY personal assistant, thank YOU very much. :)

So anyway, I'll try to keep you in the Canadian loops. I'll miss you all terribly (no seriously, I will).

Until then, here's Reason #583 why you should never fly into O'Hare: http://www.cnn.com/2009/TRAVEL/07/02/airport.delays/index.html

(You will miss my randomness for the next 3 days...don't lie. Muah. Smooches)

Blast From My Past

I left work early because I was just feeling blah. I've been having alot of those days lately. So I came home, checked email, plopped on the couch and began my downward spiral into lazyville. I checked to see if Facebook had anything for me and I noticed that I had 2 new friends. Now normally, I don't go crazy about this, but these were two very good friends from working together and grad school. One, we shall call David (which is totally his real name), and the other I have always nicknamed Borics. Well, I checked David's status and I read that he had just taken the comps. This status threw me back into the first week of July 06 and a few weeks before that, leading up to the time I had to take the comps.

So let me backtrack people. The comps were my Comprehensive Exam that I needed to pass in order for UM to grant me the undisputed title of Master Losch (technically Master Franklin). We ALL had to take the comps to completely finish the program. You could walk in May and look all happy and proud, but that was just for show. If you didn't pass the comps, then you walking in May didn't mean SHIT. The comps were a 6 hour exam, all essay writing. You got a break for lunch and that was it. And who was really concentrating on lunch when you were trying to remember the different kinds of identity crises a college student could face and the pros and cons of decentralized and centralized higher education institutions (yea, beats me).

I wanted to share with you all, the week before my comps. Because it was a shitshow of a lifetime. I had been studying diligently up and until then, but the week of, you fall into a tailspin. It just happens. You f*ckin lose it. I had index cards all over the bed that I couldn't find Ryan if he was in it. I took the week off of work. I may or may not have gone a day or 2 without a shower. Ryan would stop by on lunch breaks to check in on me because from Monday until the day of the comps(Friday), I DID NOT LEAVE THE APARTMENT. I looked like roadkill. I also developed some serious cramps and I'll spare you the rest of what women go through every so often. One day, Ryan came home to make me lunch because I had forgotten to eat. He had to leave to go back to work, and I started crying. Bawling, if you will. I said "I know you aren't leaving me. WAIT YOU CAN'T GO! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! NO NO PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME! I CAN'T DO THIS, PLEASE DON'T GO." And he was only going back to work. He might have contemplated asking for his ring back at that point because he saw my true psychosis in that moment.

Well, overall, the comps weren't terrible. They were actually just awful. When we finished, I left with a friend, Erin, who was house sitting a beautiful house across the street from campus. We went to get Thai food at a fave spot and barely talked because we understood that we both had just been traumatized and then went back to that house to dog-sit for the night, watch movies, and eat junk food.

A month and a half later, I officially became Master Franklin (now Master Losch, THANKS). So I can hear you in the background. "Lexi, why did you just share this pointless story with us?" Well I'll tell you.

I DON'T KNOW.

It was just a story. Jeez. Don't get bent out of shape. :)

Public Service Announcement

This a Public Service Announcement, courtesy of the MBTA. Please refrain from releasing flatulence during rush hour or any hot summer day. Due to the lack of available air and a less than stellar quality of air, it would benefit all public transit riders if passengers did not pass any built up air during their trip. Refusing to cooperate with this mandate will result in a $50 fine and imprisonment up to a year in a 2x2 cell where you may flatulate in your own space. Thank you for riding the MBTA.
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1958-2009

Oh my God. I swear I didn't believe it. It was just cardiac arrest. And then it's confirmed.

PEOPLE.

Michael Jackson passed away.

I don't even know where to begin. It was confirmed while I was driving to find some crab legs for dinner. I almost jammed on the brakes. From Stop & Shop (the men behind the counter declared "Man, that motherfu&*!@ had mad talent yo") to the ride home, it was like the world just stopped for a while. One of the local radio stations I was listening to was playing a tribute to him all night, so I turned it up for the car ride home. A girl called in to request her favorite song. The DJ said "What's your request?" She said "Ummm, like, my favorite Michael song is that Free Willy song." Okay, really? MJ just died and you request "HEAL THE WORLD?!" I mean, any MJ song will do, but really? Not Thriller? Not Smooth Criminal (one of my faves)? She deserved to be clubbed in the face for that one.

I called Ryan and said "Can you believe it???" He said "Yea, I'm on the bus and I heard this girl have 4 different phone conversations with people about him. And it's all Harvard Square was talking about." I get home and turn the radio back on to listen to my boy MJ. And I remembered how much I loved him as a kid. I mean, I had this horrible picture of him with a jheri curl sitting on a step and I would look at that picture everyday and declare that I would marry him someday (yea well...I was a kid, shut up). I was beginning to cook and started watching CNN and all the coverage. Ryan says, "Soooo Farrah Fawcett?" I looked at him and said, "RESPECT! Michael Jackson just died!" He said, "Uh, she was famous too! She had cancer!" I said "Well, I guess she died on the wrong day." And while that's dark humor, it really DOES suck for her. Because honestly, I mean....yea. Think about it. His death overshadowed hers fairly quickly. And it sucks. Because she had amazing talent too and she was going through an honest fight for her life. I feel bad, but man. Just a shitty day for everyone I guess.

SIDENOTE: As I type this, I'm watching "So You Think You Can Dance." It's the elimination show, and because it's live, the producer started talking about the deaths of Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. He talked about her for maybe 30 seconds and talked about Michael for a few MINUTES and also showed a Thriller clip.....I'm JUST sayin.

So anyway, I just keep going on and on about it because I can't get over it. Then I say "This is HUGE! His death is HUGE, and by default, will overshadow Farrah Fawcett's, and the effed up part is that nothing is intentional. And if anyone else died today, their families might be watching the television and looking at Michael." Ryan says "MAN Lex! That's awful. So if I died tomorrow, who would be amazing enough to trump the mourning of my death?" I couldn't even think of anything so I'm like "Uh, I dunno. Maybe The Ting Ting's?" He starts laughing and said "Really?! The Ting Ting's? The Ting Ting's trump your husband's death?" We laughed a little, because we needed to laugh. Because I find solace in dark humor, whether it offends or not. Because laughing helps me remember sometimes that I'm human, that I MYSELF am only a spirit in a body and that I can die at any minute. MJ was only 50! Younger than my parents! It's insane! And Farrah Fawcett; it really just shows that cancer doesn't pick and choose. It's rampant and I pray that my generation will be the generation to find a cure for it all.

But in the end (even with the "I need an adult" charges against him), remember that no matter how F*#!ED he was, I guarantee that he entertained YOU at some point in your life. You tried to moonwalk, you tried to thrust your pelvis (no matter what you had goin on down there), you wore one of those shitty glitter gloves, you own a CD, you rock out to ONE MJ song on your iPOD; at SOME point, Michael Jackson entertained you. And for that..............thank you for an amazing 50 years. You will be missed.

Lexi's Thoughts on Summer Television

Ok, so last night, I was all sorts of rancid (MARCUS). I wasn't feeling well and I walked in the door from work feeling like I was just hit with the Swine Flu(sorry, H1N1) and a bat to the body delivered by Tonya Harding (Jeff Gillooly?). I just wasn't in the mood, so I laid down on the couch to close my eyes and try to bring myself back to some state of normalcy. But instead, Ryan decided to bring a bag of Tostitos and salsa into the living room, sit by my head, turn the tv on, and proceed to enjoy his Tuesday evening. I still closed my eyes, but I eventually just couldn't keep them closed because this lovely gem of a show was on the tv:

The Superstars on ABC.

By 8:45, I about lost it. I looked at him and said "WHAT IS THIS SHIT?! WHAT THE FLIP ARE YOU WATCHING?! OMG RYAN. TURN IT OFF. I'M SERIOUS." He said "I dunno, nothing else is on. It's pretty terrible right? This show should be 30 minutes tops." We continue "watching" it and I said to him "I think I just lost some brain cells." About 50 commercial breaks came on in the time we watched the show and one of them was for ANOTHER summer ABC show called "Dating in the Dark." Ryan finally just says,"So do they just put random words in a hat, pull them out, and then its 'HEY we have a summer tv show!" I pretty much agreed. We continued to watch "The Superstars" and I think both our IQ's went down significantly.

So really.....what the eff is up with summer television? Some of it I can tolerate. But how about THIS gem on Fox:
More To Love
Because nothing says IT'S SUMMERTIME like watching plus-size chicks try to find love with a plus-size man (I have NOTHING against plus-size people OK?! I DO hold anger towards those who think it's ok to talk about skinny people like it doesn't hurt our feelings too though). I mean really though? SRSLY?! What about "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!" What about "Hammertime?" What about "I Survived a Japanese Game Show?"

Are you catching on? I'm still not. I guess I'm left to my own devices this summer (which is a reality show in itself). Hmm....what's on MTV?

Snuggable Weekend

I went to NY this weekend. My best friend, Marcus, and I threw a party. Every now and then you need an excuse just to invite people over and have a party. Except we didn't. We just named it "Marcus' and Lexi's Excuse to Drink Party." I mean really, do you need a better reason to come chill and have a good time in the summer? And it reminded me that it can be nice to just see people and meet people and make stupid conversation. After about a double dose of whiskey, the following conversation happened between me and a few high school friends:

Pros and Cons of the Snuggie.

I am a fan of the Snuggie, I can't lie. Marcus informed me that if I ever buy one, he will disown me. Ryan will not buy me a Snuggie, so I tried to convince everyone that it's a good idea so maybe Ryan would change his mind. Instead, I think it just went downhill. I once called the house phone (which is in Ryan's office) from our COUCH because I was too cold (or lazy) to get the remote myself. Yes. I am guilty, but anytime that story is told, laughter ensues. If I would have had the Snuggie, I would have remained warm and would have reached for the remote myself. Still, after about a good 30 minutes, no one besides my friend Michelle thought the Snuggie would be a good idea. Thanks Michelle. We'll continue to fight the Snuggie fight.

Anyway, at around 2:00am, people kinda filtered out. At around 4:15am, we all decided it might be a good idea to go to sleep. But I wanted to share that I had a really great time with some really great people this weekend. Plus, I totally got a new pair of shoes, so yea. I'm in heaven. :)

Attempt #1 and #2

Attempt #3 and #4 (it took us a little while!!)

Guitar Heroes

Ummmm, why do all men(specifically white men, sorry Ryan!!) feel the need to air guitar out EVERY song? Even parts that have no guitar? Yea. Didn't think it was possible. But at an Aerosmith concert, it is not only possible, but happens about every 5 seconds. Smoke on hippies, smoke on.
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Alex and Gina

Hey lovemuffins. So I was in Chicago and suburbs this past weekend (because it wouldn't be summer if Lexi wasn't on a plane or traveling every weekend). Of course delayed going into O'Hare, because we always are, but coming back, we were on time. For once. Praise Sweet Baby 6lb Jesus.

Aside from the grown woman we saw downtown with the Lightening McQueen scarf on and a really fun trip to the MCA, we spent the rest of the time McHenry-ing it up. If you don't know where McHenry, IL is, it's ok. Neither do I. No, seriously, it's like the last suburb of Chicago that you could possibly still call a suburb of Chicago. And that's where the ManLosch and his fam call home. Visiting McHenry also usually requires a Sunday morning Mass thrown in. It's usually the later one (and by late, I mean 9am, which is by no means LATE for moi; I still can't function at 9am). So the Loschs piled up and went to Mass Sunday morning. And let me tell you. It was pretty interesting.

At one point when I might have been dozing off, Ryan nudges me and says "Hey, it's that couple who did our marriage stuff. They "ran" our rehearsal. She turned around and waved to me." So I look around and sho' nuff, they are there. I figured we weren't getting out of there without some amount of forced conversation, so I set myself up a little. In the meantime, ya girl saw a grown man with a turquoise pinky ring on and I nearly lost my shit. Yea. If you know me, then you know that the pinky ring is a HUGE dealbreaker for me. It's almost THE dealbreaker (and trust me ladies, it has been in the past). So I practically knocked Ryan over while going up to get communion because I wanted him to see it. He probably thought I was being rowdy and politely ignored me. I was also a little disappointed because instead of my usual full Jeezit, I got hosed and was given some Jesus Pieces. Not ok. NOT OK.

So anyway, mass ended and we finally started filing out. At this point, Ryan noticed the pinky ring and nearly busted out laughing. Actually, he did. And as we were leaving the pew, marriage prep couple saunters on over to us before we were even allowed to kneel to Jesus on the way out. She says, "Hey guys! How are you? How's everything?" With plastered smiles on our faces, we say, "Good, good and yourself?" She says "Great! Now, to be honest, I don't even remember your names. Is it Alex and Gina?"

SHA-WHAT?!?!?!
Alex and Gina.

I look at Ryan because I can't really control the laughter but I'm trying. He says to her calmly "Uh no, Ryan and Lexi." She says "Ah, right. Ok. Well whatever. How's your marriage?"

What kind of question IS that?

Ryan fires back. "Good. How's yours?"

At this point, I was ready to nearly shit my pants in laughter because I couldn't believe it. The conversation was SO awkward, SO forced, that I couldn't handle it. Alex and Gina??? I could see the Alex part...but it wasn't even associated with the female name, because obviously she thought I was Gina. Either that, or she's watched too many episodes of "Martin." So finally, we broke away because it was just awful at its best, and we left.

Alex and Gina. Yes.
Speaking of, it's Alex and Gina's 2nd Wedding Anniversary tomorrow. We're doing something totally and utterly romantic. So unbelievably romantic, you'll die.
We're going to see Aerosmith (love you Ry, but sense the sarcasm). Don't worry. Gina will be blogging about it.

A saint

My hubby totally sat bitch. :-) see ya in Chicago!!
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Random Friday Angry Rant

I'm just having an angry day, so I'm going to rant and be an Angry Black Woman for a minute. Is that ok? Ok great.

Some douche-a-maroo driving a BMW SUV cut me off this morning , thinking that where he had to go was alot more important than safe driving. I remained as calm as I could, but if you cut in front of someone, at least have the courtesy to go the speed limit or FASTER. This made me especially rancid. Know what else made me pissed off more than a bullet in the face Dick Cheney style? The fact that someone driving a Honda Fit actually passed me because I was going THAT slow. So I finally get to work. Know what else has been a constant pisser? People who walk in the garage and have no concept that they are actually walking where cars are trying to drive. People who walk in the middle of the row, even though a set of headlights is coming at them. People who don't look before coming around corners because a car can't see you if another car is in the way.

So I'm at my desk and already having A day. And I start thinking about the fact that I have to get on a plane later. Again (look people, I'm just tired ok?). And I took lunch a little late today (on lunch right now), so I decided to check CNN.com to see all the happenins outside this office. But then I realized. Every single damn airport plays CNN for you anyway. As if thinking about my plane crashing isn't enough, I get to watch CNN tell me about the plane that just crashed into the ocean, or the terrorist they're still looking for. I'd rather watch that reality show with Paris Hilton before that in the airport. Hell, I'd rather watch Barney. Anything other than horrific CNN before I get on an overcrowded, claustrophobia-inducing, phallic shaped load of metal and plastic about to hurtle me to 36,000 feet with crying babies, smelly diapers, stinky people, and the occasional person who likes to talk the entire flight.

Holy sh*t I'm having a day people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Roadtrip 2009!!!! Part Uno

I realized that I never really shared any of my trips with ya'll, mainly because the human race has been doing a really good job of being ignorant in all the time in between, so I've been focused on that mainly. So now it's time for a good old fashioned blog about my Roadtrip. My trip will be broken up into a few different blogs because I'll also be incorporating pictures! You KNOW you're excited. Just feign excitement. Do it.

So the ManLosch and I left Boston for our Roadtrip on 5/16. Our first stop was in Delaware, mainly because we needed gas, I was hungry, and I had to pee. So why not stop at the ONLY rest stop on I-95 in Delaware.

Yea, far from real excitement. The first real stop was to see my brother Sharif and my sister-in-law Michele. In case you didn't read my other blog, both are in the Air Force and my bro just got a promotion. Little sis is mucho proud. So what do you do while in Newport News, VA? You tour the Air Force base and make fun of ghetto people, that's what you do.

We basically learned that anything and everything you could ever want is on an Air Force base. Which is why people never leave it. I'd never leave either, considering their Commissary had Fruit Stripe gum in bulk! Anyway, when we weren't doing that, we were eating tons of seafood and listening to my brother yell "I am Optimus Prime" throughout the house. So if anyone ever had ANY doubt that we were related:

...you should doubt no more. Shave my head or give him a wig. Go on. Do it. I'll wait.................

Did you do it? OMG isn't it craaaazzzyyyy?

So after we left so they could go to work and Communicate and Intelligenceate (yea, one works in Communications, one works in Intelligence), we stopped in historic Williamsburg, where I'm pretty sure, I saw a family who still had a slave. But srsly, we did what everyone does there. We went to Cracker Barrel. Duh.

After filling our bellies, we continued on our way to North Carolina. We surprised my grandmother (before the ClinnyMae incidents), and then made our way onto Duke University. Ryan is a huge fan and my homegirl Kim works at Duke with her man John.

What Duke fan can visit Duke and NOT visit Cameron Indoor Stadium? I yawned a little (don't tell him that, wait he may have just read that. he's reading this over my shoulder as I type this...he chuckled..he's also eating ice).

Duke has a really beautiful campus and Kim and John have a great house in Durham. Makes me wish sometimes that I lived in NC.

So the next day (Tuesday) we continued on our way and we were doing the rest of the drive down to Miami. Before we left Durham, I found this gem of a sign in front of a church:

Nothing short of amazing, because really, when was the last time YOU went to church? You might actually shock yo mama. Go to church and see what she says. Then come back and tell me.

So we're driving right? And guess what starts to pop up along the highway?

I told you b*tches that I'd take my own photos of the most amazing thing to exist between two states. SOUTH OF THE BORDER. BOO to the YAH. We totally stopped there. Because I just had to. And it was atrocious. So good. I may have actually gotten Swine Flu while at South of the Border (sorry, H1N1).

Imagine coming up on this! Imagine the level of excitement. I was way too excited. And the best part of stopping here was actually just the stupid photos we took:

(yea, Ryan took some stock photos IN the nasty, awful restroom because, well....LOOK AT IT!!!!)

(you know you love this...go on...love it up)

So after being stupid for about an hour or so, we decided to continue on the long drive. Of course, not without a stop at Wendy's before getting back on the road, because is a roadtrip really proper unless you're eating shitty Wendy's in the car?

Georgia and on? Catch me on the 2nd post! Booyah.

Distant AuntCousin's are to remain.........distant.

I've been meaning to share this, and unfortunately just didn't find the time (oh that darn work just gets in the way). But I HAVE to find the time because this is truly important and overall, nothing short of amazing.

So my Grammie took it upon herself to give out my house phone number (which by the way NO ONE has. The only reason we have a house number is because it was a package deal through Comcast and the only people that call us on it are my mother, sometimes Ryan's parents, the town of Belmont to tell us they are shutting off the water, or the University of Miami to try and solicit money). So anyway, Grammie decided that it was time for me to get in touch with my AuntCousin ClinnyMae. YES.

CLINNYMAE.

So she thought it was a good idea to give out my phone number because she also lives in this area. Ryan and I get home last Saturday evening (5/31) and we have a message that sounds a little like this: "howmaarshammabaaahhhhhh!!" And that was it. We then had a message from my grandmother telling us that she gave our number to AuntCousin ClinnyMae. So Ryan and I are thinking "Great..who the hell is this?" She calls back at 9:30am on Sunday. Leaves a message. Calls back Sunday afternoon. So at this point, it's turning into harrassment. So I called my mother and asked her to call me ASAP.

Sunday evening: ClinnyMae calls back.
Monday morning: ClinnyMae calls back and leaves ANOTHER message, this time, it was a little more audible.

Monday evening: My mother calls back. She gets Ryan first and then I was walking in the door from the supermarket. So then we proceed to discuss this little AuntCousin issue we're having. She basically starts yelling, but she's yelling AT Grammie, but to me and says to me "Boo, I called Ma and I just had to tell her 'Have you lost your goddamn mind??' And then I had to apologize for asking my mother if she lost her goddamn mind, but SERIOUSLY!" Apparently ClinnyMae is my Great Grandmother's sister's daughter. Got that? Yea. And my mom told me that she remembered growing up around them and they were all sorts of strange. Which would explain the messages. So we're both going on and on about how rude this is, etc. AND GUESS WHO CALLS ON MY CALL WAITING WHILE I'M TALKING TO MY MAMA?!

ClinnyMae.

My mom nearly died laughing. So ClinnyMae tried back later that evening as well. She also tried to call Tuesday and Wednesday. By Wednesday evening, I was ready to call Comcast to have her number blocked, but I called my mom instead and she called Grammie again to end this. Because the last message from ClinnyMae went a little like this:

"The number is 617-XXX-XXXX. ClinnyMae. I would APPRECIATE a call."

ExCRUSE me??? I would appreciate you NOT calling my house! So Grammie called while we were in D.C. this weekend and she apologized for giving out our number and she told her not to call us again. We have yet to get a message from her, but now I'm scared (I'm also a little surprised that my Grammie actually apologized, but that's neither here nor there). ClinnyMae still has our number. What if she does it again? What if she starts stalking us??

Next time she calls, we're going to tell her that she has the wrong number and give her my cousin's number instead.

White Horror

So I'm in D.C this weekend. And Ryan and I just saw the White House. Like 5 minutes ago. So as we're practically standing in front of it, this woman walks by. What I'm about to tell you is quite possibly THE dumbest thing you'll ever hear. She says "Excuse me but do you know where the White House is??" And we had to actually point and explain for a good 30 seconds. Really??!!??!
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Massa Got Me Workin

REALLY?!

So Marlon Jackson (yes...one of THE Jacksons) is planning on opening up a slavery memorial and luxury resort, which will include a SLAVERY THEME PARK and a JACKSON 5 memoribilia museum in Nigeria.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7858010.stm

I'll let that sink in for a minute......



Sunk in yet? BECAUSE IT STILL HASN'T FOR ME.
WHAT
THE
F*%K?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Are you FREAKING kidding me? I don't even know where to start with how horribly WRONG this is. Okay, okay. First, who the hell would pair up slavery and Jackson 5 memoribilia??? Second, a SLAVERY THEME PARK?! When I first read this, I showed it to my hairdresser, who then showed it to the salon owner, and tried to think of all the different "rides and activities" there could be at a slavery theme park (when discussing this with Ryan too, we came up with a few). Are these activities fit to blog or will I offend? Yea, I'll offend. So will we be able to try to run away from Massa' and see how far we can get before we get shot? Can we pick cotton? Can we see who comes up with the best responsorial song? Will we get a boat ride? Will we be shackled? (ok, based on the article, it seems that it is a strong possibility, which is ALL KINDS of wrong). Will there be an Underground Railroad to see who gets to the other side the quickest?

Did I just offend you? Because there's no POSSIBLE way that what I just said can offend you more than someone who actually thinks this is a good idea. Seriously. I mean....REALLY?! Dammit. We keep taking steps back as a people and it HAS TO STOP. Someone please go quarantine the Jacksons and keep them away from society. Seriously. Really.

Man.

Lady Fro

So I was driving to work this morning and some ho-bag just rolled on through her stop sign, when I CLEARLY didn't have one. She was turning right onto the street I was on and just skipped a few lanes too. I had to slam on the brakes and I utilized my horn (those who know me, know that I am unfortunately a fan of the horn) to let her know that she was essentially stuck on stupid.

Little did I realize that it was MY fault. Apparently she was too busy fixing her lady fro in her rearview mirror WHILE driving that she failed to stop at the stop sign. This continued on while turning, and stopping at the light.

(Yea it looked a litttttle like that)


So I apologize, lady fro driver, for failing to see the dire need to fix your nappy fro during my morning commute. Next time, I'll be sure to NOT honk and instead provide a Goody pick and a bottle of Afro Sheen.

THOSE people

You know those people who take forever to order something? And they stand together DISCUSSING the menu while there are people behind them hungry and ready to order??? Yea, the people in this photo did EXACTLY that in 2 different places. First at Jamba Juice and about 5 minutes later at Einstein's. The situation had a high shank factor, considering my hunger was about a Category 4 on the Losch Hunger Scale(there's only 5). I almost just walked in front of them because I was convinced they wouldn't have even noticed.

Yea that was a completely pointless share. You know you love it.
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