Girl, you WRONG

Look, I know you're all going to think I'm wrong after telling this story, but shit, it is what it is.

So I walked into the ladies room this morning to tinkle. I was in a little bit of a daze. I opened the door, and when you walk into the ladies room, the first thing you really see is the door/opening to the handicapped stall. I looked and saw these frumpy looking black shoes/sneakers and they were quite large.

So I nearly shit myself and almost said out loud "SHIT, did I fuckin walk into the men's room?!" Considering I was in a daze, I really thought I did and almost said "Oh my God, I'm so sorry." But then a woman totally walked out of the stall, looking like she just left Middle Earth. I wanted to sit her down and say "Please let me brush your hair sistagirl and give you some Keds or something."

I'm not the queen of fashion here, but when I walk into the ladies room and think I walked into the men's room???? C'mon. C'MON.

Baby It's (Not) Cold Outside

I don't know if Boston is experiencing a warmer winter or what, but it reached about 50 degrees today at some point. It was so nice that ManLosch and I decided to leave the confines of the apartment and venture the mean downtown streets of Boston (okay, not that mean).  Didn't really have any plans but to walk around and take some pictures, be lazy...the USUAL.

Why did I see all these motherfuckers in shorts, t-shirts, and flip flops????? SOMEWHERE NOT EVERYWHERE, it reached 50, and I'm sure it didn't last. For the most part today, it was in the 40's. Which means, it's still winter. Which means you should be dressed appropriately. So why did we see some whore draggin' her raggedy ass toes in cheap flip flops down Newbury Street? We also saw a group of Latino men walk into a Chipotle in shorts and t-shirts. ManLosch says "I bet $5 they just came from playing soccer. They're actually dressed for it." I said, "No. I bet $100 they DIDN'T come from playing soccer, but that they want you to BELIEVE they just came from playing soccer as an excuse to dress that way in public." ManLosch laughed, but then nodded in defeat because he knew I was probably right.

Look, I know that it's nice to have warmer weather when we all have to bundle up everyday. But it's still not cool to act like it's summertime outside. We live in Boston. And it's February. Please act like it.

Damn Delta Miles

So apparently Delta Airlines threatened me; well not really. I had all these miles I hadn't used and they were about to expire. So I was given the option of keeping the miles by essentially PURCHASING a safeguard for them (um, didn't I do that when I bought the tickets?!) OR getting a shit ton of magazine subscriptions.

If you know me, you know what I did.

Yep. Magazine subscriptions. I did this weeks ago, so of course, I don't remember what I used my miles for, but because I had a decent amount of miles, I got a few subscriptions. So imagine my surprise, since I didn't remember what I checked off, when "Martha Stewart Living" arrived 2 days ago. I'm like, "Oh cool! This is the best way to explore magazines I would have never thought to check out." But today I got "Arthur Frommers: Budget Travel." So my guess is that I may have been drinking when I did these selections, because I distinctly remember being disappointed that porno magazines were NOT an option here.

Ahhh well. Back to learning how to tend to my non-existent garden.

The Adventures of Lenti Losch #1

It's a bird!
It's a plane!

No bitches, it's just me. Welcome to my weekly update on Lent!

First things first: I am not the poster child for all things Catholic and Lent. I feel like ashes on the forehead on a WEDNESDAY mind you, shouldn't be cause to look at me strange and point and say "Uh...you got...wait, uh...." for me to then respond and sigh for the millionth time, "It's Ash Wednesday."  Also, the joke about "You got a little dirt/smudge/shit on your forehead there.." is not funny anymore. I am not the walking PSA for reminding you that you should have gone to Mass. If you didn't even remember it was Ash Wednesday on your own, I can't help you kid. You're on your own...WITHOUT my ashes.

So hey there! Lent. 40 days of sacrifice. 40 days of self-reflection. After this morning's Mass and a good talk with a good friend, I realized that I have ALOT to think about and work on. In addition to some heavy self reflection and meditation, I'm giving up soda. I am also taking on a task! This is new for me. I am going to write 40 notes to 40 different people to tell them something good about themselves. It can be on a Post-It, a letter, anything. Just something to make someone smile. It can be a stranger, family, or a friend. Obviously I expect NOTHING in return, but this is meant for me to notice people more. To notice all the great things about the people that I surround myself with.

Anyway, it's been an exhausting day and it's time for me to relax. 39 days to go guys! Woot!      

It's About To Begin...

The countdown has begun. Lent starts in an hour and a half. 40 days. Are you participating? If so, have you thought about what you're giving up or what you want to do to better yourself?

I will be using the next few months for some self-reflection, and hopefully a ton of meditation. Okay, maybe just a little more than usual. More on my reflections and observations tomorrow. Right now, I gots to get myself to bed in preparation for the next 40 days.

Am I ready? Probably not. But then again, I never am. ;-)

The Olympics, or White People Doing White People Shit

ZOMG.

The Olympics are on. First, let me preface this by saying I am saddened that some dude died while PRACTICING on the luge thing. Let me now say "GUYS, HE WAS ONLY PRACTICING?! NOBODY TESTED THIS SHIT BEFOREHAND?!?!"

And there you have it. 2 weeks of white people doing things that only white people care about. Am I racist? Again, no. I married a white man, which has helped me gain an all-access-granted view into the wonderful world occupied by white folks. The only thing ever interesting about the Olympics are when people fall, trip, fight (not even sure this happens, but I can hope), poison their opponents (maybe back when Greece first started these games? again a girl can hope...), or just utterly wipe out and smack their face against something hard.

ManLosch loves the Olympics. He loves it so much that he DVR's this shit. I'm not sure we've watched normal people tv since the Olympics started a few days ago. What have I been doing since then you ask? Glancing up at the Olympics, looking at the dog, sleeping, reading, writing, sleeping, playing with the dog, laughing at the Asians who took each other out during speed skating, and that's about it. I'm amazed that people can compete against each other over a span of two weeks and people love watching this crap! I watched some of the opening ceremonies and didn't see many black people...did I miss them? I fell asleep right around the time I said, "Aren't those ethnically diverse Native Americans tired of dancing in place yet? They've been dancing for 89 countries now...."

Now, if I were allowed to pick the different events for the Olympics, we might be looking at:
-Hair-weaving: How fast and neat can you put in a girl's weave with minimal breaks?
-Cooking contest: Who can cook a pan of fried chicken, mac & cheese, and collards first? You will be judged on speed AND taste.
-Grey's Anatomy Trivia: Who said, "Pick me, choose me, love me?"
-Wii Bowling: Grab a beer, some popcorn, and see who gets the best score.
-Texting: We all do it. Now who can do it the fastest with no mistakes? Now who can do it the fastest with gloves on? (I mean, it's STILL the Winter Olympics)
-Dance Competition: Whoever is left standing at the end is the winner. There will be all types of genres played to appeal to all participants. Except Taylor Swift.

Also, Kanye West will be at my Olympics to upstage anyone who wins the gold, therefore moving you from nobody to P.Diddy in a matter of minutes. You know you're interested. Now grab your torch and let's go cross country snow luge tubing.

LoschDog Turns 6

My baby is growing up!! Yes he shares a birthday with Valentine's Day, but he also shares a birthday with my father-in-law (Happy Birthday Dad!) and a co-worker of mine (Happy Birthday____). He got some dental chews from his Loschs, played around in the park today while his mama took photos, and got some extra rubs. I also plan on baking him some doggie friendly treats later.

I don't like to imagine the day that he's going to be too old to romp around like he does, so for now, Happy Birthday Jordan. You got a long way to go babe.

Valentine's Day

YUP!
It's another motherfuckin' post about Valentine's Day. And it's another post about someone telling you what they think of the day. So if that's not what you want to read today, peace out. Come back tomorrow, or maybe later today.

So check it: I'm not a huge fan of Valentine's Day. I feel that:
1) It should not be called a holiday.
2) It's too focused on commercialism.

I love my husband. I love my friends. I love most of my family. Why should I buy a card, make expensive reservations, expect chocolates and roses, and diamonds on ONE day? Why should I expect ManLosch to take me out somewhere and spend 20% more on a prix fixe menu? Why do I need a card that sings or a stuffed bear that says "I Love You?" I'd prefer a handmade card, a personal painting, a note.....something that didn't cost a shit ton of money and meant nothing.

ManLosch usually always does something for me for V-Day too. He knows how I feel about the day and knows I'm not a flowers and candy kinda girl. Hell, I was the girl who scheduled herself to take the GRE exam ON Valentine's Day 6 years ago. He's taken me to dinner and spent more than he should have. But he's always done something that lets me know he's listening to me; last year he got me a book about a contemporary art exhibit we saw together in Boston. THAT's love. Showing me you care by showing me that you are in tune with who I am as a person, and that should happen any and every day of the year. Not just today. And we DID go see the movie "Valentine's Day" because it looked like it might be a clusterfuck of a movie with all of those stars in it, but it wasn't bad. My man PD was in it and I had to take in the McDreamy sexy. But at least there were some of the simple parts of Valentine's Day that I miss. Sigh.

Look people, just be smart today ok? Don't buy the overpriced, half dead roses! Fight the man and spend time with the people you love instead of spending empty money on them.
Alright....Valentine's Day rant is OVER. :-)

I Want A Hug...

...but NOT with this:

The Hug-E-Gram

ManLosch informed me that this is what he was getting me for Valentine's Day. It wraps around your body, with those freakishly stuffed Mickey Mouse-type hands. In the video, it even shows a dude using it at WORK. REALLY?! Someone ACTUALLY thought this was a good idea??

Snow Day!

Well, half snow day. We were released at noon. And the snow didn't really start until later, and even now, it's off and on.
What have I done since I got home?  I ate some nasty KFC (and when I say nasty, I mean oh so good because it's oh so bad for me), took a nap, read some of my magazine, slept, and watched the Verizon dude plop around our apartment for over 3 hours trying to fix our TV Guide/Widgets thing. So about 7 people and 50 resets later, it's FINALLY working. His name is Jason ladies and I don't know if he's single, but he does have dogs and has a great sense of humor. We do have his personal business card now too. I think he became a Losch today.
(and yes, I AM pimping out the Verizon guy....it's EXACTLY what it sounds like).

On to more productive things...like cooking, reading more blogs, and hopefully starting some writing tonight. :-)

I Have A Prompt!

I have a writing prompt! So ok, you know how I'm now a Grub Street member? Well I get their weekly emails too, and I noticed that they are having a writing contest. It's called The "Grub Gone...Blue" contest. I can submit a piece of fiction, nonfiction, or poetry, 600 words or less, related to the theme of "blue." So I have to decide what "blue" means to me. It's due Friday February 26th. What do you think????

I'm excited to try it, I think I might. Anyone have any ideas?

Pooh Bear and The White Man

ManLosch and I went on a Jamaican food adventure last night. We waited longer than normal, as 4 black men were conversing very loudly about what they MIGHT order, but still hadn't ordered yet. Behind them, was a white dude who seemed nervous enough that he walked into a Jamaican food restaurant with his Screech-esque sidekick. BMAC is "Black Man At Counter."

• BMAC: Man, I can't wait to get this home and eat! I'm so hungry! (long pause as his other friends shuffle about).
• Me(to ManLosch): Then he needs to hurry the hell up so I can put my order in....
• BMAC: Pooh Bear, Winnie the Pooooooh Bear........
• Me: Ryan, PLEASE tell me you just heard that.
• ManLosch: Heard what?.
• Me: That dude was just singing the theme music to Winnie the Pooh Bear. A grown ass black man. In a restaurant. With 4 of his friends.
• ManLosch: (holds in laughter)Uhhh, NO! I didn't hear that. Ha!
• WhiteDude: (he's next to order and says to the server)Ummm I don't really know how this works....how do I order?
• ManBehindCounter: Just tell me what you want.
• Me(after we finally order and leave): So beyond the Pooh Bear interlude, I've discovered...white people need black people as wingmen.
• ManLosch: WHAT?!.
• Me: White people can't be trusted to know how to navigate things like soul food restaurants, rap concerts, etc. Ya'll need us. Think about it. I introduced you to all of these things, but TOGETHER. It reduces the level of awkward for both parties.
• ManLosch: Hmmmm, I see your point.
• Me: The same can be said for us. We need ya'll so we don't get arrested when trying to attempt certain things. We need you guys to help us navigate white people shit.
• ManLosch: Like skiing?
• Me: EXACTLY.

LoschDog Vs. The Bone

My little old man likes rawhide. And this is what happens when we give him a bone to chew on.

New Digs

Check the new digs. I'm trying it out. Tell me what you think. Or not. :-)

Mr. Bucket

I know you bitches remember Mr. Bucket. Why did I ask 2 people, including ManLosch, about it but no one remembers Mr. Bucket. When you think about it now, that game is SO WILDLY inappropriate for kids..."I'm Mr. Bucket, the balls come out of my mouth....." So is the only reason I seem to be the only one who remembers it? Was I a "balls come out of mouth" kinda kid? Hmmmm.....

Lexi Catches Up On TV

ManLosch teaches a studio on Wednesday nights, so I'm left to my own dangerous devices when I get home from yoga. I decided to finally recap all the TV I've been watching to tell you what I like, don't like, and what I think never really deserved to breathe period (speaking of breathing, some dude was heavy Godzilla breathing in yoga tonight):

Lost: I think Sayid is now Jacob. Or Jacob is Sayid. Whatever. I like Lost. Thumbs up from me.

Heroes: Eh. I don't really watch it that much anymore. I stopped a few months ago, but I did watch the latest one to catch up. Still not drawn in. And apparently Milo Ventimiglia is all strokey for a reason. Yea, I think he had one. Anyway.

Better Off Ted: FUNNY SHOW. I don't think alot of you bitches even know what that is. Go look on ABC.

Grey's Anatomy: 'Nuff said. My favorite show. Seriously.

What's on the DVR to watch? : The Simpsons, Be Kind Rewind, and Alice. Hmm. I think it's time for some new tv/movies, ya'll. Any suggestions?

"Why" Is Dangerous

I ONLY typed in the word "Why" and this is what Google thinks I'm asking????????

My favorites? The last two. Wow people. Wow.

Swift and Crappy

That about sums up what I saw of the Grammy's last night. It should have been called the Shammy's. Or the Shitty's. Okay, I'm going to stop. I've got just a few things to say about it.

The Grammy's do NOT need to be a 3 1/2 hour event. Really? C'mon. Also, was that REALLY the best you could do for Mike J? Like really, you got some singers to come together at the last minute to represent a UNICEF card while they all sang his Earth song? Oh, and the 3-D? AWFUL. I almost threw up from watching it. Mike J needs a better tribute than THAT last minute effort.

Jamie Foxx. Eh. I've heard that the girl who came on stage with Down Syndrome twerkin' it was your sister. I damn sure hope so. Otherwise, let's have a chat.

Taylor Swift. Ok. Let's get something straight. I don't like you bitch. You suck. You get on my nerves. And most people don't like you. So how in the sweet Lord's name did you win Album of the Year???!!? Oh right, I know. Because Kanye interrupted you at the VMA's and placed your sweet little ass on the map. You should have thanked Kanye for that award.

And I'm out.

Creepy People Magnet

I think I've figured out my purpose in life. Jesus placed me on this wonderful Earth to be a creepy people magnet.

So I'm waiting for the bus tonight right? I had just come from downtown to get my hair done and get the last birthday gift for ManLosch. I'm reading while I'm waiting and all of a sudden someone starts talking to me. And it's the dude that collects the shopping carts at Shaw's (grocery store up here). I see him usually when I'm walking to and from the car and I'll normally give a smile and a wave. He's a little....slow? I'm not even sure that's the right word to use. So anyway, I'm reading and he notices me and says hi. I smile and say hi and try to go back to reading. He asks me "Are you reading for class?" I said, "No. I just like to read."

Long awkward pause.

He then says, "I don't know how to read." I think, WHAT? Huh? Wtf? Ok. Okay, am I being tested here? He continues to tell me about how he can't read or really write, but he's taking classes for that and his dialect. From here on out, he told me his entire life story. He's from Africa. His mother and his sister are nurses. He also wants to be an actor and takes acting classes.....

As I retold this story to ManLosch, he laughed and said "Wait, he wants to be an actor? How does he read the script?"
Exactly.

Wait, he's also a back-up dancer. He takes dancing classes in Waltham. And he likes being around educated people. And he likes to draw in his spare time, when he's not working at Shaw's or taking his dialect/reading/writing classes. Or when he's getting a haircut for his Open House for his classes tomorrow. He's also writing a book; it's his life story. And he's acting in a movie about Obama right now and when it's done he's going to give me a copy (and no, I have no idea how he's writing a book about his life if he can't read or write.....)

He talked to me for 20 minutes while waiting for the bus and the ENTIRE bus ride home.
SERIOUSLY. I'm a magnet.

Fantastic Four Airlines

::Watching the craptastic Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer Junk....Okay just Rise of the Silver Surfer; we're watching the end where they are in their fantastic Fantastic Four-mobile flying through the air, trying to catch VonDoom and then..........::

ManLosch: "Well that beats flying AirTran."