In the spirit of having a child who now recognizes Santa, I decided that I wanted to ask Santa for a few things this Christmas. I mean, it's only fair, right? I've not asked for anything in quite some time so he's had plenty of break time from me.
Dear Santa,
I may or may not have been a decent adult this year, but I somewhat successfully guided my child from a 1 year old to a 2 year old. That alone deserves something. So here's my Christmas wish list:
- An unlimited supply of tequila
- For someone to buy our truck
- To not have an allergic reaction when I'm doing my allergy shot therapy, forcing this cluster therapy to take longer than it should
- A potty fairy to come whip my kid into shape
- For Potty Dora to work some magic in case the potty fairy isn't real
- For my kid to eat vegetables
- For my dog to STOP eating vegetables
- To have 5 pairs of pants that fit me; this up and down weight thing forces me to live in stretchy pants (and also makes me understand mom jeans just a little bit more)
- A stepstool (Santa, let me explain. I'm fairly certain that the one we owned in Boston never found its way to Austin. So for the last year, I've been using a BARSTOOL to change the battery in the smoke detector that conveniently goes off at 3am.)
- A new bike (so that I can use it twice and feel accomplished; also the bike was sold in Boston, so yea)
- A toddler-to-mama translator device. There have been many a "mama! jaba joo ugh puppy beeeeyah no like apples?" and she's clearly asking for something, but I'm not always clear on WHAT that something is. Please send the device.
I feel as if this list is fair. Please let me know if there is anything I can do in return (but I won't do that Santa, cmon. I already have one white man in my life, I don't need another). If there is a chance you'll fulfill these Christmas wishes, please send one elf to the house tomorrow night and have him use the overused code "yolo." Should this occur, I will leave a plate of gluten-free cookies and skim milk at the door (the furnace doesn't quite work, but you can just come in the front door thanks). If none of this occurs, I shall be forced to begin celebrating Kwanzaa.
Yours in love, glitter, and joy,
LL
