Massa Got Me Workin

REALLY?!

So Marlon Jackson (yes...one of THE Jacksons) is planning on opening up a slavery memorial and luxury resort, which will include a SLAVERY THEME PARK and a JACKSON 5 memoribilia museum in Nigeria.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7858010.stm

I'll let that sink in for a minute......



Sunk in yet? BECAUSE IT STILL HASN'T FOR ME.
WHAT
THE
F*%K?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Are you FREAKING kidding me? I don't even know where to start with how horribly WRONG this is. Okay, okay. First, who the hell would pair up slavery and Jackson 5 memoribilia??? Second, a SLAVERY THEME PARK?! When I first read this, I showed it to my hairdresser, who then showed it to the salon owner, and tried to think of all the different "rides and activities" there could be at a slavery theme park (when discussing this with Ryan too, we came up with a few). Are these activities fit to blog or will I offend? Yea, I'll offend. So will we be able to try to run away from Massa' and see how far we can get before we get shot? Can we pick cotton? Can we see who comes up with the best responsorial song? Will we get a boat ride? Will we be shackled? (ok, based on the article, it seems that it is a strong possibility, which is ALL KINDS of wrong). Will there be an Underground Railroad to see who gets to the other side the quickest?

Did I just offend you? Because there's no POSSIBLE way that what I just said can offend you more than someone who actually thinks this is a good idea. Seriously. I mean....REALLY?! Dammit. We keep taking steps back as a people and it HAS TO STOP. Someone please go quarantine the Jacksons and keep them away from society. Seriously. Really.

Man.

Lady Fro

So I was driving to work this morning and some ho-bag just rolled on through her stop sign, when I CLEARLY didn't have one. She was turning right onto the street I was on and just skipped a few lanes too. I had to slam on the brakes and I utilized my horn (those who know me, know that I am unfortunately a fan of the horn) to let her know that she was essentially stuck on stupid.

Little did I realize that it was MY fault. Apparently she was too busy fixing her lady fro in her rearview mirror WHILE driving that she failed to stop at the stop sign. This continued on while turning, and stopping at the light.

(Yea it looked a litttttle like that)


So I apologize, lady fro driver, for failing to see the dire need to fix your nappy fro during my morning commute. Next time, I'll be sure to NOT honk and instead provide a Goody pick and a bottle of Afro Sheen.

THOSE people

You know those people who take forever to order something? And they stand together DISCUSSING the menu while there are people behind them hungry and ready to order??? Yea, the people in this photo did EXACTLY that in 2 different places. First at Jamba Juice and about 5 minutes later at Einstein's. The situation had a high shank factor, considering my hunger was about a Category 4 on the Losch Hunger Scale(there's only 5). I almost just walked in front of them because I was convinced they wouldn't have even noticed.

Yea that was a completely pointless share. You know you love it.
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The Lobstah

I freakin LOVE Red Lobster. Don't get me wrong, I still LOVE the seafood in Massachusetts. But dammit, the cheesy rolls just warm my soul. Or maybe I have heartburn. Either way, just dig it.
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Rain rain go the *!?@ away!!

It's Tuesday night and 8:53pm. We're FINALLY in Florida but we've been driving since a little before 8am this morning from NC. We're both getting tired but we're about 2 hrs away (we made some stops). I took over the driving at the beginning of Georgia and guess what? The MINUTE we got back on I-95, Mother Nature decided I was a horrible bitch and opened up her heavens on me. It poured for the 4 hours I drove. Nice right? Also hit traffic. First time we hit traffic AND rain since we left Massachusetts. We stopped and had dinner in Cocoa Beach and I saw the BEST sign on a church. It said, "Not even a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris will get you into heaven."

Yeeeeeeaaaaaa. Roadtrip's are awesome. :-)
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Roadtrip

It's 1:10pm on a Saturday. We've been in the car since 6am. We just got on the Baltimore-Washington Parkway. First real stop is Newport News, VA to visit my bro and sis-in-law (you know, Air Force important people. My bro just got a promotion too!! But I digress...). We stopped in the ONE rest stop in Delaware where I swear every black person was meeting to stage a cook-out and possible retaliation for the years of oppression. But anyway, check out THIS lovely gem at the rest stop.
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Popes & Planes... nothing like Boats & Hoes

Last night, while watching "The Daily Show" (I wasn't watching, so much as staring at the tv) with Ryan, Jon Stewart started talking about The Pope. And I saw The Pope (The Pope? the pope? the Pope? Pope-man?) getting off a plane. This was only the beginning of the strange conversation I then started with Ryan.

I asked him, "Do you think The Pope gets frequent flier miles?" Ryan looked at me blankly and said, "What? Huh?" I said, "Do you think that The Pope gets frequent flier miles? Who buys his plane tickets? Do you think that after earning so many miles he gets a free flight, considering he jets all over the place?" Ryan looked at me almost in disbelief, but smiling, and said, "Um, babe, he's THE POPE. He probably has a chartered plane. And The Vatican pays for it." I said, "But he got off a plane that had the "OneWorld" sticker, which means he flew the OneWorld Alliance, which means maybe he was flying American or Iberia or something else. So he was on a plane with people. So he should get to redeem those miles at least when he's done with being The Pope." He said, "No. He can't be. He's The Pope. And he's gonna be The Pope until he dies, so he can't ever redeem the miles." So I paused.....and THEN said "What name is on his frequent flier miles? "First name, The, Last Name, Pope?" Ryan laughs and says "No! He has a name. It's Benedict." I said, "Well, does it say Pope Benny? Mr. Pope?" He looked at me and sighed. He said "The Vatican pays to charter a plane. So I don't think he can get frequent flier miles off a chartered flight."

I shut up for a minute. Then I kept it moving. I said, "Does the President of the United States get frequent flier miles?" Ryan looked at me like he wanted to shoot me. He said "Lex, he has his OWN plane. He gets his own plane. Period." I said "But The Pope gets a chartered flight, and it's still not his own plane. He flies the regular planes." He said, "But he gets Air Force One. It's the President's plane." I said, "Well I thought ANY plane that the President flew on would be considered Air Force One. And why is it called Air Force One?" Ryan, at this point, was getting fairly exasperated. He said, "Because the Air Force operates it. They are a military branch of the U.S. They control airspace. Hence, Air Force One. You know what, why don't you ask YOUR BROTHER! He's in the freaking Air Force."

I then said, "Well if The Pope is technically the head of his own country, and the President is the head of the U.S., how come Benny doesn't get his own plane? Would they call it 'Pope-moplane? Air Force Jesus?" Ryan then starts researching this information online. He then tells me, "I don't think it's the Pope-moplane. But here in America, apparently, it's called 'Shepherd One.' " I looked at him in disbelief, and then said "Well I think it should be called Air Force Jesus." He pauses and then says, "No. It should be Air Force Son.......................................................................................................................................................... OF GOD!!! HA! HA! Get it?" Ryan is very big on the lame puns, which is a quality, after almost 6 years, I've come to accept and love. So I said, "No, that doesn't flow." He argued, "But it HAS to rhyme with ONE. And SON rhymes with ONE. Air Force Son, and then you have to have this big dramatic pause and then say OF GOD! Get it?! Oh man, that's awesome."

So after all of this, I realized our conversation made absolutely no sense whatsoever. Which prompted me to add, "Do you think that The Pope gets reward points at the Supermarket?"

Grammie

Happy Belated Mother's Day to all who are Mom's and such! I made sure to call my mom and grandma. My mom would somehow understand if I forgot to call her. She would be a little hurt, but otherwise, alright. My grandmother, on the other hand, would have disowned me faster than Eddie Murphy tried to disown Scary Spice's baby. So I made sure to call her. Typically these phone conversations are no longer than 5 minutes because she "doesn't want to use up all my phone units." She seems to think that people still pay for long distance minutes.

So Sunday right? 15 minutes and 8 seconds. And she was just talking in circles. This is what I learned:

• She is not opposed to answering the phone WHILE chewing.
• She did the reading at church that day. She read Psalm 37. Everyone told her that she did a good job. She also brought my aunt with her to church. Everyone thought she was beautiful.
• She was reluctant to get her driver's license because her first husband died in a car accident (this is very understandable...just random on Mother's Day).
• She has the "heebee jeebee's" which is apparently code for "allergies" and "sinus problems."
• She has a new gazebo. Her friend Flo who lived next door to Naomi back in Florida had one and she always wanted one too.
• She was eating a nice dinner of pre-made chicken and rice and beans because Papa Al didn't want to cook.
• She hopes my mom will eventually go back to church because she owes it to Jesus.
  
• She read Psalm 37 at church.
• Jesus has been so good to her.
• Jesus has been so good to her.
• Papa Al tends to drive faster on the highway and doesn't realize when he's speeding.
  
• She's having a cake made for my brother, but don't tell anyone.
  
• The lady who is making the cake sold her a scratch off ticket that she bought after church. The lady also smokes and apparently has been told by my grandmother that smoking is bad and she needs to throw them (yes....she said throw them) cancer sticks out.
• Jesus has been so good to her

And just imagine that list going on in circles. And in between the questions. But I'm blessed that my Grammie is still alive and in my life. So I'll never complain. :)

New Digs

So I now have a 2nd blog.

http://64in365.blogspot.com

Check it out. Become a follower. Love my list. But don't forget about this blog. Because both will be equally as delicious.

Smooches,
Sha-trexis

#14

Sooooo you can expect these kinds of gem-like postcards from me over the next 365 days!!!
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64 Things

My beautiful followers, I have created a list! In the last few days or so, I decided that my current being had no current path, no purpose. I wanted to experience some personal growth, I wanted to learn new things, and I wanted to have fun. So I created a list. It's a list of 64 things that I must try to complete in the next 365 days. The list I am about to share with you is open for interpretation, it's open for participation (if you decide you want to join me, you will most likely be welcome to, but please just ask first), and most of all, it's open for you all to comment on. I want your help, I want your feedback. I am still deciding if I will create a 2nd blog for my 64 things, and if I do, you will all be informed so you can follow that too.

And now...drumroll please.....I present to you, my 64 Things:

1. Take a creative writing class (no specified length or price).
2. Write a letter to my dad and actually send it.
3. Take more photos (1 roll/month).
4. Get 10 more people to follow my blog.
5. Go to the gym 2-3 times/week.
6. Go camping for 1 night (must try to include fishing).
7. Drink less soda (5/business week).
8. Throw a dart on a map of the United States and visit that place (I do get 3 throws however).
9. Watch movies for 1 full day (suggestions are welcome).
10. Find a way to order "Lift" online and have it shipped to my house.
11. Fly to Chicago to visit my in-laws just because.
12. See a therapist.
13. Build and paint a bookcase from scratch (can have help).
14. Send 5 postcards a month to anyone.
15. Learn how to make greeting cards. Try to sell them to my Mom's friends.
16. Try 20 new restaurants in Boston.
17. Buy a homeless person dinner (try to sit with them during dinner).
18. Draw something in a notebook everyday (no matter how ugly it is).
19. Visit another state to see a concert.
20. Buy a 18x24 (subject to change) canvas. Paint with eyes closed.
21. Fry my own chicken.
22. Donate work clothes to a battered woman's shelter.
23. Take Jordan to a dog park once a week.
24. Throw a wine and appetizer party that's dressy and fancy.
25. Visit California.
26. Meditate in the Boston Common/Public Garden (with friends, alone, etc.).
27. Save $20 or more from each paycheck.
28. Learn how to play a round of real golf
29. Be an awesome person (being aware of others around me, being calmer).
30. Cook 4 times a week.
31. Surprise my mom at work one day.
32. Write down the names of 20 people I know. Write them a letter expressing my gratitude towards them.
33. Choose 10 bible readings and blog about them (doesn't have to be all at once).
34. Learn how to play the piano.
35. Watch all 2009 Best Picture nominee movies from the Oscars.
36. Try to volunteer at an animal shelter.
37. Take a picture of something that represents each letter of the alphabet (should have 26 pictures). Frame these pictures how I choose.
38. Ride the Red line and Blue line from one end to the other (on the T).
39. Eat buffalo wings in Buffalo, NY.
40. Go to synagogue on a Friday night.
41. Learn how to cook beef stroganoff (because I love my mom-in-laws stroganoff).
42. Organize a Boston pub crawl over the summer.
43. Rent a car for the day. Only make left turns. Explore.
44. Go to a flea market. Find 2 bracelets that are alike and mail one to my mom with an explanation of it's meaning.
45. Attend 5 book readings.
46. Write a letter to the Metro (newspaper) explaining my 64 things journey and hope they publish it.
47. Read a book about architecture.
48. Surprise a friend with an hour body massage (given by a professional) and lunch.
49. Cook dinner for my mother or grandmother.
50. Explore poetry. Find a writer that I enjoy and share what I learn and like.
51. Get a list of words from 1 person and write a short story that incorporates the words.
52. Go to 7 museums that have contemporary art or at least a few contemporary exhibits.
53. Cook for my co-workers.
54. Volunteer at a soup kitchen.
55. Watch 5 foreign films in the movie theatre.
56. Create a "mannequin" commercial similiar to the Old Navy commercials.
57. Learn guitar (preferably bass).
58. Go on a spiritual/meditative retreat.
59. See a Yankees game at New Yankee Stadium.
60. Design/Draw 10 things. Put them on t-shirts and wear them proudly.
61. Drive to Montreal, Canada. Explore.
62. Find 10 photobooths in 10 different places. Can take pics with friends or alone.
63. See Niagara Falls. Take inappropriate photos.
64. Buy a bike helmet. Bike around the Charles River (not all the way around, but in different places around the river).

My list became complete today and therefore, I have until May 8, 2010 to complete this list. Remember, you can help and participate too! Wish me luck! :)

Shama-lama-ding-dong

I went to yoga last night (hold your applause please). I went to the gym TWICE that day. Once in the morning and then in the evening for yoga. However, I will note that the only reason I ended up at the gym was because we had no hot water at our house and I wasn't going to take another cold shower. So I also rode the stationary bike before showering. Still. Props to me (NOW you may applaud).

So yoga right? We have a new instructor. Her name is Nina. And she was WAY better than the yoga sergeant sub we had last week. Nina was very calming and motherly. She didn't favor downward dog (THAAAANK YOUUU) and reminded us that "this your OWN yoga practice. do what feels right for you." She also played some cool music that was very yoga-ish and made me want to start singing "shama-lama-ding-dong" while slapping my hands on the floor. But I refrained and kept with my yoga practice for 55 minutes. But the two gossipy people (guy and girl) were there that I don't care for (which is my nice way of saying that they can eat dirt) and I got there WAY before they did and they kinda looked at me with an evil glance because I got the spot in the corner in the back (which is where they usually roost). Suck it up Laverne and Shirley and get there in time to put your mats down to save your spot. And moisturize your heels while you're at it Rambo.

I'm also not down with the people who don't bring their own mats. If you all are gonna freak out about swine flu and shit, BRING YOUR OWN MAT. Do you really wanna do Child's Pose on that mat where someone just put their sweaty feet?

Namaste.

15 years and counting....

I love my best friend.

Shut the Hell Up Lexi

So I'm going on vacation starting May 16th. Let me tell you, I'm beginning to think that I may just grab whatever I can and mysteriously NOT return to Massachusetts. Don't take one step closer! I'll do it. I'll not return.

In celebration of the fact that I won't be in Massachushits for a week (!!!!!), I've decided to tell you what I plan on doing. I actually may have gotten more done or had more fun here at home, but eh....any day that you get paid to not work is a fun day to me. So the hubby and I are going on a roadtrip. Driving from here to Florida. We're going down for a wedding that we're in and decided that-

Currently listening to: "Be Gentle With Me" by the boy least likely to

..Sorry, sometimes I have ADD. Anyway. We decided that driving down was ultimately cheaper than flying from point A to point Q. We're stopping in VA to visit my brother and sister-in-law (they're in the Air Force..they are important...they do lots of big and secret things), then going to see my girl Kim in NC. We're gonna tour around Duke (she works there) and we have skimmed the idea of visiting my Grammie. However, only for an hour. When she visits us, she pulls that "Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub....ok we're going to Atlantic City now, BYE!" After that, it's a drive with stops, but heading straight to Miami, I think. Who knows? But I DO know this: we ARE DEFINITELY stopping at South of the Border.

What is South of the Border you ask? No, we aren't going to Mexico. It's this most awesomely cheesy place on the state line between North Carolina and South Carolina that is nothing short of a calamitous atrocity. And I love it. It's just so great. And I promise that this will be my last photo.

Anyway, I just wanted to inform you lovely readers that I'll be on vacation shortly. Am I excited? I've been more excited at other events, but yes, I will be especially happy to see my bro and my good friends. And don't worry. I'll be blogging that week too.

And I'll even take my own stock photos of South of the Border for you. :)

...and you all laughed....

You know what?!?!?! WE'VE FINALLY HAD OUR DAY!!!!!!

Booyah bitches!!

33 things you didn't ever care to know about me

1. If a song comes on during a movie that I know, I sing it out loud. In the theatre. (I ignore all evil glances)
2. Cooking is therapeutic for me
3. I have a thing for Polaroids (and Polaroids have a thing for me)
4. I am NOT a happy person. I am a pessimist and enjoy dark, twisted, and gross humor.
5. However, when I smile, I think I'm decently pretty.
6. I used to think I was the only kid who thought their parents getting a divorce was a great thing. Now I know I'm not the only one.
7. Coral became my favorite color when I wore a dress in that color and someone told me I was pretty.
8. I skipped class more in undergrad than I did in high school.
9. I broke up with my elementary and middle school boyfriends all because I didn't want to kiss them.
10. I, ultimately, then, had my first kiss in 10th grade (yea I was a late one, but I sho' nuff caught up)
11. I don't like people who, when getting on an airplane, steal the blanket and pillow from Seat 12D because they are afraid they won't have a blanket or pillow when they get to their backrow seat.
12. I lost a baby tooth in 7th grade eating a Jolly Rancher in 3rd period English. I was so afraid to ask to leave I sat there with a Jolly Rancher, a tooth, and a bloody mouth until I went to Woodshop next period.
13. Walking home, some kid threw a glass bottle at me in 7th grade too. Yea.
14. Middle school, overall, was just tragic.
15. I punched a vending machine once. Still did not get said snack. But did hurt said hand.
16. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a doctor. Then an obstetrician. Then I realized I was too stupid to be a doctor and decided I wanted to be a psychologist. Then I decided I was too dumb to be a psychologist and decided to be an elementary ed teacher. Then I decided I was too impatient for that and decided to be a college administrator.
    
17. I played soccer in high school. Then I decided I wasn't an athlete at all. So I stuck with marching band.
18. I like beer, tequila, and Jack. Thanks.
19. I lose gloves like a girl on Maury just lost her virginity.
20. If I'm on a plane, sometimes I picture myself crashing, and that eases the anxiety of picturing myself crashing (yea I know......twisted and horrible).
21. I tried Lean Cuisines once and hated the one I had.
22. The first college party I went to had soap on the floor and I immediately left.
23. I prefer dogs over cats, but still want a cat.
24. I don't like tuna sandwiches.
25. Visiting Rome was probably the most walking I'd ever done in my entire life.
26. I like coming up with nicknames for people. Sometimes they stick, sometimes they don't.
27. I like school. I like discussions.
28. I used to work in Admissions. I learned some very valuable life skills from that alone.
29. I am extremely photogenic.
30. I don't like eating the edges of sandwiches, the ends of subs, or drinking the last bit of something.
31. I glare at my husband anytime he eats loudly or drinks loudly. I also glare at him when he crosses his legs.
    
32. I had my very first pair of eyeglasses stolen as a kid. I cried when I had to go home and tell my parents.
33. I saw Depeche Mode in concert. Twice. (Yea......yea......don't ask)
    

Why 33? Because I said so. That's why.

You Know You Had One

There's no possible way you could have made it through elementary school or even middle school for some without.....................

The Trapper Keeper.

How awesome were Trapper Keepers, right?! You could organize your entire life in those things. You were able to organize your work into sections, place all your 3 ring folders in there, and keep all those notes that your boyfriend/girlfriend wrote to you during class that you just couldn't get rid of. And there were so many designs too! What girl didn't have the Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper? What boy didn't want a cool Trapper Keeper that would show off their not yet developed machismo? Wanna know what MY Trapper Keeper was used for? I had to put it up everytime I had to take a test so the kid next to me wouldn't cheat off of me (because my elementary school was too poor to actually have space enough where we weren't sitting on top of each other). It seemed to take awhile for teachers to figure out that while we were putting these up to prevent others from cheating, we OURSELVES used our nifty Trappers to include all the notes for the test and flip through them during the test, which essentially aided in our own downward spiral into personal dishonesty.

My generation loved you, oh Trapper Keeper. Maybe you'll make a comeback and show the kids today how it's done. You saved my life Trapper Keeper.....ok maybe not, but you definitely organized my work through the beginning of 7th grade; until I realized that colorful binders with velcro were NOT the coolest thing to carry home with you. You could get jumped for that shit.

Please take a moment to remember your Trapper Keeper, and if you had one, feel free to share with me and the world anything about it (and no, Mead is NOT paying me for this).


**A good friend sent this to me after reading this blog, so here's the 1st edit. Have fun!!