22 January 2013

On My Honor...

It's Girl Scout cookie season again. They are everywhere. I usually can support anyone selling cookies. But I'm not buying from EVERY one of them. Then when I snub the girls outside Walgreens but bought from the girls outside church, they think I'm being rude. But I'm not. I'm just trying not to spend all my money on cookies. And I'm also trying to avoid certain scale numbers (thanks to J, I seem to retain pounds longer and in one area).

I find myself just not making eye contact with the girls I don't buy from. And then I feel bad because maybe they think I'm NOT so bad. And then I think to myself, "Hey dingus, you're overthinking this."

These are the things that give me anxiety. Girl Scout cookies.
This is why I never made it past a Brownie.

18 December 2012

Dear Santa

In the spirit of having a child who now recognizes Santa, I decided that I wanted to ask Santa for a few things this Christmas. I mean, it's only fair, right? I've not asked for anything in quite some time so he's had plenty of break time from me.

Dear Santa,
I may or may not have been a decent adult this year, but I somewhat successfully guided my child from a 1 year old to a 2 year old. That alone deserves something. So here's my Christmas wish list:

- An unlimited supply of tequila
- For someone to buy our truck
- To not have an allergic reaction when I'm doing my allergy shot therapy, forcing this cluster therapy to take longer than it should
- A potty fairy to come whip my kid into shape
- For Potty Dora to work some magic in case the potty fairy isn't real
- For my kid to eat vegetables
- For my dog to STOP eating vegetables
- To have 5 pairs of pants that fit me; this up and down weight thing forces me to live in stretchy pants (and also makes me understand mom jeans just a little bit more)
- A stepstool (Santa, let me explain. I'm fairly certain that the one we owned in Boston never found its way to Austin. So for the last year, I've been using a BARSTOOL to change the battery in the smoke detector that conveniently goes off at 3am.)
- A new bike (so that I can use it twice and feel accomplished; also the bike was sold in Boston, so yea)
- A toddler-to-mama translator device. There have been many a "mama! jaba joo ugh puppy beeeeyah no like apples?" and she's clearly asking for something, but I'm not always clear on WHAT that something is. Please send the device.

I feel as if this list is fair. Please let me know if there is anything I can do in return (but I won't do that Santa, cmon. I already have one white man in my life, I don't need another). If there is a chance you'll fulfill these Christmas wishes, please send one elf to the house tomorrow night and have him use the overused code "yolo." Should this occur, I will leave a plate of gluten-free cookies and skim milk at the door (the furnace doesn't quite work, but you can just come in the front door thanks). If none of this occurs, I shall be forced to begin celebrating Kwanzaa.

Yours in love, glitter, and joy,

15 May 2012

You Haz Cancelled Ma' Show

Annnnd the latest renewal/cancellation report is out of which shows made the final cut for next season and which ones got dumped. Here, all the way from Austin, TX, is yours truly Lexi, to add her 2 cents (whether you like it or not):

Renewed (not the full list, just the ones I want to comment on):
30 Rock- makes total sense ya'll. Good show.

America's Funniest Home Videos- UM WHAT? First, they are still showing videos from the 1980's, so I didn't think this had anything new to show. I assume all the episodes on are just re-runs. So how the hell did it get renewed? Renewed to show re-runs?

Cougar Town- this is moving to TBS. Where most shows go to die. Or where you can get your Tyler Perry fix. So ok, whatever. Maybe Tyler Perry will show up on the show as Madea.

Alot of shows on The CW- not even sure how anything on that station got renewed.

CSI & CSI: NY/ NCIS & NCIS: Los Angeles- How does adding a location change a show? I don't get it. Keep one, cancel the others.

The Office- DUH.

Cancelled (again not the full list):
Allen Gregory- UH....I thought there was only one episode to begin with? If the pilot tanked, who cares?

Best Friends Forever- This was a show?!

CSI: Miami- ok, so one of them got cancelled. I suppose it's a start.

Extreme Makeover- Home Edition- so someone finally realized that building extravagant homes for people who can't afford to maintain them was a bad idea? Cool.

Napoleon Dynamite- absolute FAIL. Love the movie. Liked the cartoon enough to not want to see it get cancelled. UGH.

NYC 22- This was a show?!

Rob- anytime you give Rob Schneider a chance to act outside of an Adam Sandler movie is a mistake to begin with. Please feel free to visit his career (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001705/) and tell me I'm wrong.

Terra Nova- Avatar meets Jurassic Park? Right.

If I were given any kind of authority on shows I'd pick up for next season, here's some ideas for shows:
The Taco Diaries- history of the taco and how Mid-westerners pronounce it "TACKO."

Oh Shit, I'm Knocked Up Again- following women with 5+ kids and no identifiable baby daddy's.

Yo Gabba Gabba: All Grown Up- 'nuff said.

Polka!- American Idol but for Polka dancers and musicians.

Will these get picked up? Probably not. A girl can wish. And I can wish for Nappy D to make a return too.

30 April 2012

In Which I Ask Claire To Babysit

me: claire, how do you feel about babysitting?
Claire: i have never babysat for a kid as young as jovie before
  i think the youngest I've done is something like 5
  but I'd be willing to learn
  if you could prepare me
  and instruct me
me: i'm just kidding
  i wouldn't subject you to the possible horror
 Claire: she's a little terror?
me: of course she is
  she's 16.5 months
  and she's my child
  she's CRAZY, with all capital letters.
Claire: cray cray
me: i started calling her T.J. this weekend for Tyrannosaurus Jovie
  Ryan wants to rename her "Trouble"
Claire: or at least make it her middle name
  though i like sophia
 me: so do i, but now when she's in trouble, we use "Jovie Sophia"
Claire: so cute
me: hmmm
  in theory yes
  in action no
  yesterday afternoon she:
 tried to wash her hands in the dog bowl, tried to and successfully stepped on the dog's tail   multiple times
  turned the oven burner knobs
  reorganized the bottom cabinets
 got halfway out the doggie door before we realized it
  used a play pot from her kitchen as a stool
  used her play activity table as a stool
  used the dog as a stool
  shared cake with the dog
  used a plastic golf club shaped like a carrot to access what she wanted on the kitchen counter
  used Mommy as a stool
  made Mommy read "Dora's Color Adventures" twice
 made Daddy read "Dora's Color Adventures" twice, 5 minutes after Mommy read it twice
  now i shall ask you again Claire.........
  are you sure you want to babysit?
Claire: well when you put it that way

27 April 2012


I've noticed that since I became a mother, I'm less concerned with my physical appearance. Well in a way. Let me explain.
While I'm still not happy with the way my stomach looks (not even close to somewhat flat...I'll even take flat with no tone...but I digress), I will now choose comfort over trying to look cute. Flats are my best friend. I will wear green gym shorts, a red shirt and pink socks to the grocery store and not think anything of it.

I still don't wear makeup, so that hasn't changed.

The best example are what I call my Jesus sandals. They are brown Dr. Scholl's sandals that are the most comfortable things EVAH!
These are my sandals in black, so just imagine them in brown. My little hippie Jesus sandals. And I love them and the old Lexi would care what people thought, especially a hip group of black people. Now? Imagine the Bernie Mac voice saying "I don't give a fuuuuuuu*k." Those things make my feet happy and when I have to lift 20+ lbs of child daily, constantly, HOURLY, because she doesn't feel like walking anymore, well then ya best have some comfy shoes. Because I'm not the Beckhams or the Carters, so I don't have nannies. I'm even wearing them today at work.

Now that my hair is natural, I'll throw that bad boy up and won't even comb out the ponytail sometimes (I know, this is bad, especially for the sistahs with natural hair) but I can get by! It doesn't look bad. Oh, I have bags under my eyes? Oh ok great! I look 5 months pregnant? Thanks inconsiderate asshole. Because eventually, I'll care again somewhat. But for now, I prefer very comfortable loose clothing and Jesus sandals to showcase the worn mom-of-a-toddler look.

But hey, my arms look toned and bitchin' now.

01 April 2012

Green, errr Brown? Thumb

So I tried my hand at a green thumb. My co-worker Sara gave me a piece of her aloe plant so I could try my hand at gardening. I repotted him yesterday and have named him Satchmo. I don't think he likes me though, so Satchmo may not live very long.

I was so inspired that when Jovie and I went to Home Depot yesterday morning, I bought 3 more pots and 3 packages of seeds. One for flowers, cilantro, and basil. All 4 pots are chillin like homies outside in the sun. I gave them all some water yesterday, but who knows if it was enough. I'm terrible at this kind of shit. I will keep you all updated on the progress of my 4 potted babies. I will name the other ones once I see something sprout (c'mon, I can't get attached to 4 pots....).

25 March 2012

Are YOU Trying to Lose Weight??

When I was pregnant with Jovie, I gained 42 pounds. Please, keep your snarky comments about my pre-baby weight to yourself. I was told that within a few months, I'd be back to my pre-baby size. Okay, great, right?

Well, that didn't happen. I lost some weight and then I gained it all back with the stress of my last job. Then, once I moved to Texas, I vowed to lose some of the weight (I DO like some of the weight, I wont lie). I went to the gym like 5 times maybe. Then I decided to keep snacking at my desk at work, therefore keeping the preggo pooch.

I have finally discovered the secret to shedding those preggo pounds. You ready to hear it? It's called the "Running After Your Toddler" exercise and diet regimen. Your child is trying to climb the steps again? Your child is trying to go outside through the doggie door? Your child is trying to strategically place EVERY single piece of tupperware you own in the corners of your pantry? Did your child grab the remote, put it behind her back, and run away from you? Is he playing in the doggie water bowl? Is he trying to run and play in the Jesus sanctuary at church? Did she pee on the floor as you were walking her naked self to the tub? If you've answered yes to one or more of those questions, you too can lose weight by simply chasing after your child. Add on a few more pounds of weight loss by repeating the word, "NO" over and over; this works your abdomen if said forcefully enough.

This also ensures that you place less food in your mouth because you are trying to control what the child throws while in the highchair at home or even out to eat! This guarantees an unfinished plate, a physical workout from picking up pieces of chicken fingers, and utter exhaustion.

Call now for your free consultation!

19 March 2012

I Am In Love

Thanks to my good friend Joey (who I miss so so much) for posting this on my Facebook wall.......