..but the world MUST know that I....

So since my workplace banned Facebook, I have not been on it as much as I used to. Considering when I get home, I'm usually tired and don't care that 100 of my friends changed the "About Me" section of their pages or changed their Relationship status 3 times in one day. From the times I've logged in, I've noticed a constant. People are falling ill with the TMI disease. If you don't know what TMI stands for, it's "Too Much Information," but honestly, if you're reading my blog, you should already know that (considering that I often offer up too much information about MY life). But I'm talking about pictures of your pee stick when you found out you were pregnant, that Robbie now has the syph because he cheated on you...etc. So I decided there should be a rule book of examples of inappropriate Facebook statuses. Below, you will find some examples of things that fall into the TMI disease category (or anything that may be considered just inappropriate for sharing on Facebook:

Anonymous Male/Female User:
.....is currently taking a dump. And totally ran out of toilet paper.
.....is PREGNANT! Take a look at the proof baby!! (see inset photo of pee stick)
.....is with his/her therapist working out his/her daddy issues. Pass the tissues.
.....is currently being stabbed.
.....is currently being arrested. Post bail ASAP.
.....is wondering why her roommate must be so loud during sex. Honestly, he's not THAT good in bed. TRUST ME.
.....is at his/her grandma's funeral. And she didn't leave me anything either. :(
.....is currently hijacking a plane/robbing a bank bitches! Rock on! (side note: you KNOW at one point in your flying career that you've seen that ONE idiot who never turns their phone off during the flight and you want to shank them so bad. but that's another blog.)
.....has JUST gotten laid. I am AWESOME.
.....is taking an STD test at Planned Parenthood right now. Wish me luck!
.....just farted in his/her cubicle.
.....is waiting for the divorce papers to be signed already!
.....wishes the bank would stop calling for their money. He/she just ain't got it.
.....is up in the gym, just workin on his/her fitness...but just farted on the elliptical.
.....just drank a bottle of tequila while at ::hiccup:: work.
.....called in sick to play football with said homies (note: your boss is your friend on facebook)


If you've seen any inappropriate/TMI statuses on Facebook, or can think of anything that might be just as horrific, please, by all means, leave a message. We will stop these overzealous Facebookers, one stroke at a time.






(I meant one KEYSTROKE you pervs. Like typing? Get your mind out the gutter.)

Sharing is Caring...

...or not getting pummeled by 5,840 pounds of steel, plastic, and glass. In other words:



I've tried to be patient. I've tried to just suck it up. But I can't anymore. If you ride a bicycle in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, SHARE THE F*&!ING ROAD!!!!!!! There's even a flashing sign now on my way to work to remind us all to share the road. But I've found that bicyclists love to create their own rules. That they can be a car when they want and a pedestrian when they want. For example, not following traffic lights and weaving in and out of cars causing people to slam on their brakes. You, awful cyclist, obviously can't go the speed limit, so move over to the side of the road as close to the curb as you can. I don't WANT to hit you, but so help me, next time you don't move over and follow the rules, you can expect a headlight hanging from your helmet.

Things I Don't Want to Buy in Bulk at Costco

Everyone likes buying things in bulk. There's a certain level of joy knowing that you won't be buying toilet paper or fruit snacks for months. However, while previously walking through Costco, I realized that there are a few things that I either would NEVER want to buy at Costco, or just things that I'd never want to buy in bulk at Costco.

• Caskets
• Hamsters or Rabbits (can you imagine how many you might have in a few months?!)
• Immigrants
• Babies
• Passports
• A House
• Office Chairs
• Bibles
• Dentures
• Bounce Houses
• Powdered Milk
• Tickle-Me Elmo's
• Holy Water
• Season 1 of ChiP's on DVD (really, what was the point of that show?)
  

Love for my Stomping Grounds

I miss UM (University of Miami....not University of Michigan). And when I say I miss it, I really mean that I miss EVERYTHING. Including said overheard conversations from one of my favorite sites. Here are a few to share (and maybe now you'll all want to visit!):

Now I Only Eat It
Dude #1: So, when the hell did you start smoking cigarettes?
Dude #2: Last week.
Dude #1: Why the hell did you do that?
Dude #2: I wanna stop smoking pot.

University of Miami
Miami, Florida

Overheard by: Stosh
via Overheard Everywhere, Mar 7, 2008


Well, We Do Have a Couple Of Pre-op Trannies
Girl: Oh, I'm doing Zumba today at five.
Guy: What's Zumba? Can I do Zumba?
Girl: Well...you can.
Guy: I can?
Girl: Yeah, it's not like there's a sign that says "No penises allowed."
Guy: But "no penises" is implied.

University of Miami
Florida
via Overheard Everywhere, Apr 21, 2009


Pythagoras Is a Jealous God, People
Math teacher: If you fuck with numbers, you're fucking with god! And people get killed for that shit!
Overheard by: Tormented Math Student
via Overheard Everywhere, Jan 29, 2009



But srsly, I got 2 degrees from there, I turned out fine. :)

Believable or Not???

Any suggestions?

Leave it At Your Desk

Dear Employees (of any company, school, etc):

It is inappropriate to bring your coffee mug (or any other food item on that note) into the restroom.
Do you not realize the action that goes on in the restrooms? Do you not realize that all of that is seeping into your coffee????? Do you really plan on bringing that half sandwich back to your desk and eating it now, along with that coffee??

Please rearrange your stops so the coffee/lunch/conversation that could have waited ends up on your desk before visiting the lavatories to take care of whatever your business may be.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
The Employee who Leaves Things at Her Desk

Things people 65 & over should NOT do

So my best friend (Marcus) and I decided to come up with a list together of things people 65 & over shouldn't do. It may not be a fair list, but really, think about it. Then picture one of your grandparents doing it. I guarantee it's not pretty.

• Drop down and get their eagle on
• Wear anything resembling the "business" of the opposite sex
• Buy/adopt cats and give them names that sound like they have a mothball scent attached to it, like Mittens or Buttons
• Procreation
• Heavy lifting
• Tanning (naturally in the sun or in a salon)
• Take steroids
• Build evil robots to take over the world
• Buy a Lil Wayne or Lady Gaga CD
• Ride sleds
• Be on Facebook or use Twitter (Interests: Boost, Days of Our Lives, Bingo...)
• Drive
• Get drunk/high (but this may actually be quite humorous)
• Get a weave
• Wear anything with the word "Juicy" on it (bonus points if it's spelled out in rhinestones)
• Wear thongs or speedos
• Do body shots
• Use a gas stove to cook ("Cecil....how long have the beans been on???")
  

Nuevo!

Check out the nuevo-ness of the blog. Hope you like the changes coming at 'cha.

Boo- tothe-yah.

It's Hot

Being mobile is awesome. It let's me share with you all that I'm sweltering right now sitting in this rental car(I'm in Miami). I can barely blog because my hands are so damn sweaty. Save me Jeebus.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

I'm Mobile!!

I'm mobile too b*tches!!!! Holllllerrrrrrrrrr
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Errplane

I thought exposing these three stories was appropriate considering that I will be flying to Miami tomorrow morning. Who wouldn't be intrigued by snakes on a plane, a man urinating on a woman during a flight, and a man driving through the gates of a runway up to a plane because he said he needed to get to Israel because he had all "the answers." I hit the jackpot in terms of timing.

Let's just hope I can have minimal incidents this weekend.

"Reality"

Dear NBC, ABC, Fox, MTV, and VH1,

Please stop making reality series (except for SuperNanny. Please keep SuperNanny). It's like watching a train wreck. You don't really want to watch what's about to happen, but you just can't help it!
Remember THIS train wreck???
And THIS one??

Ok well those 2 have a common thread, but still! Srsly. I believe that sitcoms still have potential, power, and an active audience. I just started watching "Better Off Ted" on ABC, and you did well ABC. I like it alot. But Fox.....you plan on making a reality show based on people getting laid off?? See that line back there? Yea, way back there. Keep looking. Keep going. Yea, right there? See it? YOU CROSSED IT A LONG TIME AGO.

Please take my plea into consideration. My generation and future generations should no longer be subjected to such hideous displays of "employment." Because it's not really reality. Maybe for some smaller sub sections, but no one benefits from it. Even on Extreme Makeover, these beautiful houses are built to help families in need, but did anyone stop to think about the taxes on these things after ABC wheels away the bus and the volunteer workers???? Thanks for your "donations" Sears and JC Penney, but someone ends up paying for it.

I look forward to discussing with you how we can change the future of television. You can contact me anytime.

Sincerely,
Concerned Viewer

Resurrection 2.0

Happy Belated Easter all! Guess who went to mass yesterday? That would be me (but I generally go to mass anyway, which is where alot of my blog material comes from...is that wrong??). Mass was a shitshow yesterday and here is why: CatholicswhosaytheyareCatholicbutonlycometochurchonXmasEveandEaster. Just stay home, like any other Sunday. The fact that you only come to mass the night that Jesus was born and then the day he was resurrected should tell you something. I'm not holier than thou either, but I try to make a solid effort to go most Sundays strictly for some blog worthy material (while trying to learn a valuable lesson every now and then). Anyway, do what you want, but you should come for the show more often. It's entertaining.

That being said, in short here is what happened yesterday: almost had a panic attack due to the amount of people in the pews, in the aisles, and by the front door standing. The old man next to me ended up sitting TOO close and I'm pretty sure he heard me huff and puff to Ryan about him sitting on my coat and purse when his wife invited someone else to sit in the pew that already had no more room. So he kind of cut his eyes at me during "Peace Be With You" and barely shook my hand. Screw you buddy. Don't sit on my sh*t next time and maybe I'll want to punch you less.

There were kids everywhere, and I wanted to punch most of them in the ear. There were 3 girls in front of me with their parents and grandparents. The two oldest ones were talking about getting a dog. The fatter one said "It is my lifelong dream to get a dog and name him Spotty." (Honey, if that's your lifelong dream, you've got OTHER problems). The younger one who will probably get married first said "I want to get a Chihuahua and name him Olé." EVERYONE turned around, non-family included, and gave her the "Aww, isn't that SO precious?!" glance and head nod. Sorry chunkster, I think your sis won that round.

Besides the cacophony of child cries, the woman who clapped at the end of the homily, the scuffle that broke out in the communion line between mother and daughter, and woman downing the rest of the wine, mass wasn't terrible. I guess I just can't handle all those people.

What tops off the morning was our trip to IHOP for breakfast. It wasn't crowded at all, and this woman and her boyfriend kind of cut in front of me to give the host their name. But they asked "What's the wait time for 2?" The guy said "No more than 5 minutes, we aren't busy." The couple stood there debating if 5 minutes was too long and then said "Do you think it'll take that long? Can you seat us now?" The guy just stood there looking at them with the "Are you nuts?" look and said "Um, you can put your names in and I'm pretty sure you will be seated soon. The guy says (which I had to repeat to Ryan later and once he realized what he said, broke out into an unstoppable fit of laughter), "Well, she has REALLY been craving a waffle, so can you seat us now?" WHAT?! This isn't a 5 star restaurant amigo. This is IHOP. Put your name in and sit down and wait to be called, it's not even a 5 minute wait!!!! He used her waffle craving as the reason why they needed to be seated that instant. We laughed all the way through breakfast.

Hopefully I'll see some of you on the next major holiday (Could be Administrative Professionals Day OR Cinco de Mayo....BYOB though). Doesn't have to be at mass, maybe we can just go to IHOP and share some waffles together. I know you've been craving one.

Creepy much??

Who THINKS of these things?????

Man.....

Overdue Tribute

This is 2 or 3 years overdue, but I salute you Jim Cantore of The Weather Channel. In fact, I slightly adore you.

The frequency with which I'd watch The Weather Channel increased when I moved to South Florida, the land of hurricanes, random tornadoes every now and then, and rain beyond rain. When I lived off campus, I was more concerned about hurricane season due to a car being out in the open environment where a tree could land on it, losing a roof, etc., so I watched TWC and first saw Jim Cantore. He had such a passion for the weather, telling one hurricane "Enough is enough" that we could NOT stop watching him and kept TWC on all evening. That hurricane did not rip off our roof, but one that came rolling through 2 months later did pull up our roof enough that we had leaks in our ceiling. But thanks to Jim Cantore's reporting, we were prepared with tons of canned crap we normally wouldnt eat other than when NOT having power for a week and took long showers the night before just in case.



If you see Jim Cantore in your town, that's probably not a good sign. You should probably pack up and leave for a few days, as death and destruction will soon follow. But we appreciate your fearless reporting and love of all things weather-related. This was long overdue, but you're a total rockstar Jimmy.

I saw you again Blue Ford Focus

Today you are parked on 3, right around the corner from me. You also have a UM alumni license plate for the back license plate. Why do you torture me so? You know you want to meet me. Stop playing car games.


Sincerely,
Black woman in the Black Ford Explorer SportTrac

To You, Blue Ford Focus

Dear Blue Ford Focus,

I've seen you driving around on School Street and apparently, you either work at the Arsenal too, or you go to the gym there. Yesterday, 4/7/09, you even parked next to me. Do you know why I want to know you? Because you have a "U" front license plate and my Black Ford Explorer SportTrac has a "U" license plate holder and a big orange and green "U" on the back window. Our cars are destined to meet. To the woman who drives the Focus, I also think we are destined to meet and share conversation about ye olde days at the University of Miami. You parked next to me and when I went to my car after 5:30pm, you were still there. I let my car start up, in hopes you might walk out to your car, but you did not. I then left my space, circled around the floor to exit, and then I saw you starting YOUR car. I missed you by 30 seconds.

So to you mysterious woman in the Blue Ford Focus with the "U" license plate, one day, we shall meet.

Sincerely yours,
Woman in the Black Ford Explorer SportTrac

Lexi's Gym Adventures

So I finally joined the gym. A gym. Whatever. I don't like to physically exert myself other than....well...yea. So this was a huge step for me. Is it a step in the right direction? Who knows what the "right direction" is anyway? It's a step somewhere.

I signed up on March 24th and finally, albeit slightly begrudingly, walked thru the doors with the intention to wear a sports bra and move my limbs last night. I didn't want to go in alone, so I forced my friend and awesome co-worker Stef to walk in with me and show me the ways of the women's locker room, as old saggy boobs and random towels do not appeal to me. I've decided that for now, I'm sticking with yoga until I'm more comfortable navigating my way around the gym. After Stef ensured me over and over that I wouldn't die in the gym, I forced her to walk me to the yoga class, walk me INSIDE the room, and then after I put my mat down, I let her leave me (sound familiar? YEA, FIRST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN).

The class was good though, I liked it. Except...except for Godzilla. Yoga is supposed to be calm, quiet, and relaxing, and after awhile, give me better posture, flexibility, etc. But when you have this in your class:


...it's kind of hard to concentrate on anything OTHER than the loud heavy breathing. Imagine Godzilla in your yoga class. Then imagine that Godzilla is auditioning for a role in the movie "Fame." Your yoga experience has now been slightly tainted, hasn't it? For the most part, I liked the class; the instructor walks around and her voice was so calming. She even walked around and gave everyone of us back rubs (LUCKY!). But I don't know that I enjoy class with Godzilla and also, the two people right next to me. I couldn't stand their conversation before the class started. Maybe I was just jealous that no one came with me ::coughcoughSTEFcoughcough::

All in all, it was a positive experience and I'll be going back. After all, I'm paying for the membership, so I guess I should be going back. Then again, there IS a smoothie bar at the front.......

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

I don't think I quite understand why every time some organization has a food drive, they always ask for peanut butter, jelly, and usually canned tuna. If I were on the receiving end of said food drive, I'd like a $20 gift card to the supermarket to blow on organic bread or soy milk. Not everyone likes peanut butter and jelly. Not everyone likes tuna. And just because I may be hungry/homeless/whatever, doesn't mean I don't want chicken, beef, or mashed potatoes. Used clothes drive? Yea, that's fine, I like vintage or previously worn items. I'm ok with that. But at least spring for a little more than peanut butter and jelly. Besides, I'm allergic. Pass the salmon please.