30 August 2009

Our Clearance Puppy

Saturday, while at Target, we bought "Marley and Me." We saw the movie when it came out in the theater and we noticed that it was on sale on Blu-Ray yesterday. So why NOT buy it? We love dogs and we loved the movie. Even ManLosch couldn't hold back the tears when we first saw it.

So we watched it last night, me enjoying my recliner and Ryan actually enjoying the fact that he can stretch out on the regular couch. While we were watching it and laughing at all of the things Marley got into, I realized that I was laughing because Jordan (LoschDog) has done alot of things in his time growing into the little 5 year old terror that he is. Now don't get me wrong, he has calmed down ALOT in his 5 1/2 years. According to those that just meet him though, he's f*$%in crazy. Jordan has had his fair share of mishaps and Marley moments and I'd like to share them with you. Not all of them, maybe a few every now and then. And hopefully, LoschDog isn't the 2nd World's Worst Dog.

Jordan has eaten drywall. I repeat, he HAS eaten drywall. We placed him in the kitchen in Miami when we were testing his ability to be out of the cage while we were gone. Well apparently, he didn't like open space and not knowing where we were, so he decided to chew a nice big hole in the kitchen wall. We returned home to clumps of drywall that had been eaten, regurgitated, and possibly eaten again. Ryan patched that hole up nicely.

Jordan also used to love chewing on the baseboards of walls. I caught him on the morning of my undergrad graduation, barely even 3 months old then. He was chewing at the baseboard like it was gourmet kibble. I yelled out "JORDAN!" and he quickly looked up and walked away with the look on his face that said "What? I didn't do anything." He also had all of the white paint around his nose, sooo yea. It looked like he had done EXACTLY what you think he could have been doing if he was human.

Jordan used to hate the UPS man for some reason. We could NEVER figure out why. Anytime he rang our doorbell, Jordan would go into a fit of canine rage and honestly try to either eat, mangle, or maybe just scare off the UPS man. Maybe he didn't like brown. Because he was fine with USPS.

Jordan has eaten a roll of toilet paper before.

Jordan has swallowed chicken wings whole. Usually at SuperBowl parties.


The joys of being a dog owner. I actually wouldn't give it up for the world. :)


29 August 2009

LaLosch becomes ManLosch

I promise that I haven't completely turned into a man, but um, I totally bought Irish Spring today and am loving the way it makes me feel so fresh AND so clean (thanks Outkast!).

I have also fallen in love this weekend......with this baby:




I am the proud owner of this recliner now. My pony punching co-worker Jared (also known as "j" in some of my posts) gave this to me for FREE since he's moving. It's been a lifelong dream of mine to own a recliner, and so I begged ManLosch if I could have it. He hesitated and I said loudly "IT'S FREEEEEEEE." He was still hesitant but gave in. He absolutely hates recliners (which to me is against a cardinal man law or something). I even offered a trial period, and if it didn't work out, we could easily just bring it to Salvation Army.


Well folks, I think it's working out. I'm writing this blog WHILE IN the recliner. And I'm reclined too. And I'm happy. This may just be the honeymoon period, but who knows what's in store for me and the recliner? This is just the beginning.


27 August 2009

Another Losch Pointless Discussion

So I asked ManLosch a question yesterday during breakfast about citizenship. Here was the conversation that took place:

me: "So, let's think hypothetically ok? Let's say a kid was born in Antarctica. What would his/her citizenship be?"
manlosch: "That wouldn't happen."
me: "Did you not hear me say HYPOTHETICAL?"
manlosch: "Yeah but that still can't happen. They won't allow it."
me: "Who is 'they'?"
manlosch: "I dunno. Hospitals and law enforcement and important people."
me: "But just think hypothetically for a minute. Let's say it was for research. And a researcher and her husband got it on and she got pregnant. And she gave birth while on Antarctica. Would the kid's citizenship default to the parents?"
manlosch: "No." (Then he told me something about John McCain and where he was born and how something something something Darkside, I don't quite remember)
me: "But why can't the kid be Antarctican?"
manlosch: "That's not even real."
me: "So he'd be American?"
manlosch: "No, he'd be Czechoslovakian."

Sometimes it takes awhile, but I can get ManLosch engaged in some pretty pointless discussions with me. :)

23 August 2009

Dinos in Disguise

I had a dream last night. I'm about to share with you the dream I had. And when I share this dream with you, DO NOT LAUGH LIKE MANLOSCH DID IN THE CAR.

So I totally dreamt that I was in the 3rd Transformers movie. It was "Transformers 3: Return of Jurassic Park." So yea. "Jurassic Park" essentially found it's way into the "Transformers" movie and there were alot of explosions, ripped tank tops, and guns. I was the Shia LaFluff (except totally looking like Megan Fox) in the movie. This is why dreams are great. I got to have the body of Megan Fox. Score.

I got to drive Bumblebee and the LoschDog was my sidekick. And we drove around town shooting bad dinosaurs and kickin' ass against T-Rex. LoschDog was actually really bright and would hand me my weapons and bullets and shit. Then Optimus Prime came out of nowhere and we started kicking ass like we were best friends from around the way. T-Rex trying to bite my arm off? That would be one swift Optimus Prime punch to the dino face. Booyah.

So I tell ManLosch my dream right? And he busted out laughing in the car. I told him to stop, that I really had this dream, and it was really really cool at the time. I said "You know what? My dream had all the elements of a Michael Bay movie. Just you wait. WAIT." He laughed some more at the ridic-ness of it. Fastfoward to dinner; we had one of his friends over to hang out. We're enjoying my awesome brisket and I decided to tell ManLoschFriend about my dream. And guess what?

He thinks it's an AWESOME idea.

You hear that Michael Bay? I just came up with your next movie. And it was easy. You can pair up with Spielberg again and hire me to play the hot chick who knows how to punch ponies and kick ass.

You can just write that check out to "LaLosch" Mike. Thanks.

20 August 2009

The Name Game

I went to get breakfast at Panera this morning because I worked the early shift at work, in addition to my normal hours. 7am is too early to really eat breakfast I think, so I walked over to get a breakfast sammie at about 8:30am.

I gave the woman my order. She asked for my name. I said "Alexis."
(I never give Lexi because I can only IMAGINE how they would butcher up the spelling of that)

She said "Uh, I'm just going to put 'Alex' ok?"

B*$ch did I SAY my name was Alex? If I wanted my friends and family to think I crossed over to being a male, then yes, Alex would have been MORE than appropriate. Why can't you add the extra two letters? Do 2 extra letters cost more money? Would I get taxed more? Would I get less cheese on my sandwich because of the extra effort of adding the "-is" to my name? Would you expire and fall onto the cash register because you punched in two more letters?

Panera, PLEASE. Everytime I go there anyway and give you Alexis, you come up with these doozies:
Alexes
Lexis
Elexis
Aleces
Lexus
Alexia
Alexys
And there have been others.

Stop the madness. Srsly.

19 August 2009

Lexi's Adventures

Ok, I have SO many things I'd love to update you on, and I'm not sure if I should go chronologically, but I'm just going to be a little random and first tell you about my gym adventures today:

So this month, you can bring a friend for free on Wednesdays and ManLosch came with me to the gym tonight. Drumroll please.......he came to yoga! Usually there are more guys there, but for some reason the class was small today. The Chippy was there but Douchey Derrick was not. I wanted ManLosch to see the exchanges between them but its ok. The Chippy brought a free friend too. No big. So the instructor Nina says "I want to make an effort to learn the regulars' names, so..." Then she points to me and says "I see you alot, every week, in the back, right? What's your name?" I said "Lexi." She said "Ohhh, that's nice. Like Lexington?"

WTF?!?!?!???! LEXINGTON?!!

I said "No, it's short for Alexis. But I prefer Lexi." She said "Oh, that's nice. Oh, and who is sitting next to you?" I said "It's my husband. Free friend." She seemed very excited that there were 2 free friends in her class that day. But I secretly cursed myself because NOW THE CHIPPY KNOWS MY NAME! And she knows I'm married. Therefore, she already knows too much about me, and will now share that information with ElDouche when he returns. Grrr....Either way, Ryan said he liked yoga ok. He might have liked it more if he knew what the poses and stuff were, but said he was sure he'd like the 2nd or 3rd class more. I don't think he'll come next week, but he mentioned playing basketball if he could come with me. Boys.

So anyway, as most of you know, I've been back and forth alot the last 2 weeks. Unfortunately, there were two deaths; one on Ryan's side and one on mine. Chicago and then New York in 2 weeks with a little Boston in between is a little tiring, but it's family. And we love our families. On our flight back to Boston, of course it was delayed and some guy was yelling about the delay to the point of a flight attendant telling him that they would keep him off the flight. Then as we boarded and pulled away from the gate, the plane lost power. Then we went back to the gate, and tried to leave again and lost power again. Then we sat on the plane for 45 minutes while they figured it out. Then we pulled away again and a family THEN decided that they didn't feel safe and wanted to get off. So we had to pull back up the gate, wait for them to disarm the doors AGAIN, let them off, and then we FINALLY left. We got home at 3:30am on Monday. I went to work that day.

Tuesday, my mom told me about the next death. We drove to NY Friday morning. The wake was interesting. The funeral home was playing music in the room. "No Air" by Jordin Sparks began to play. And Michael Jackson "Human Nature" played too. Um....WHAT?! I'm really serious, I PROMISE you that I'm not kidding about that.

Yea, it's been an interesting two weeks. I'll give better details later maybe. I'm just happy enough to be home, see my dog, and sleep in my own bed. Still trying to find that peace of mind.......

18 August 2009

Doritos, Cheetos, and Fritos, Oh My!

Normally, I don't blog about work. But you know what, I'm not really talking about work. I'm about to share with you one of my deepest frustrations known to employees around the globe:



Yes. Shitty Vending Machine Options.

Many an employee suffers at the hands of SVMO. I noticed today just HOW shitty the options are. I was eating lunch in our break room and my friend J (punch-a-pony) walks in. He makes his usual joke about buying the Chuckles.

Yea, we have CHUCKLES in our vending maching. Chuckles. Wtf is a Chuckle ANYWAY?!



So J says "I'm totally gonna buy the Chuckles." And then I really thought about what's in the vending maching. There are about 8 different chip options. Of those 8, 6 of them have some sort of cheese on them: Cheetos, Nacho Cheese Doritos, Cheezits, Sun Chips Harvest Cheddar, Smartfood White Cheddar popcorn, and Cheddar & Sour Cream chips. Then there are plain Lays chips, that really, no one likes. And FRITOS. Who the f*%k eats Fritos?! If you want to pump a load of salt and nasty overprocessed curly tortilla chips in your body, go for it.

Then we've got the few things us normal workers would eat like Peanut M&M's. A Twix every now and then. And the all important Cup O' Noodles.

What else is in there? PayDays (J had to explain to me that these are basically freakin sticks of caramel dunked in a barrel of peanuts), a $2.00 Zoe PowerBar, Apple Cinnamon oatmeal, Brown Sugar Pop-Tarts, Plain ChexMix, TrailMix, and Cream Cheese and Chives crackers. And we still have the Chuckles guys. Don't forget the Chuckles. Another co-worker sitting at the table confessed to me that he has to come to the vending maching 3 times before he succumbs to finally buying some form of a "snack." But it takes 3 tries before he can even force himself to do anything about his hunger pangs.

I've decided to write a passive-aggressive note to the vending machine man (because this isn't really something that the company has control over) and stick it on the inside of the vending machine so when he comes to fill it, he will see this through the glass:

Dear Vending Machine Man,

Please stop putting shit in the vending machine. Have you noticed that you haven't had to refill the Chuckles? Yes. Because no one EATS the Chuckles. About 95% of the company can't even tell you what a Chuckle is. Please give us snacks that aren't covered in cheese. I would like to live past 35 years of age, and might appreciate a healthier snack, or maybe even the Doritos that MOST people like (which would be the blue bag). Please consider our plea. If you would like to find out what we like to snack on, you are more than welcome to survey the floor and we will happily assist you in choosing appropriate products for the machine.
Thank you for your time and at least for giving us Peanut M&M's.

The Floor

13 August 2009

Punch That Pony

So I have a friend who is obsessed with me punching ponies. Actually he's just obsessed with pony punching it seems. And anytime I have a "moment" he'll ask "So did you punch a pony?" So that's usually the new phrase of how angry someone can get. Pony-punching anger. Anyway, check out the brief conversation I had with said friend at work:

me: "my hand itches. what does that mean?"
j: "huh?"
me: "you know when people say your ears itch, someone is talking about you"
j: "uh.."
me: "oh i mean when your ears burn! when your ears burn someone is talking about you."
j: "oh yea. thats right."
me: "so my hand is itching. what does that mean again?"
j: "it means you need to go find a pony to punch."

12 August 2009

Updates I Promise

Look, I know I've been a slacker. I know. I promise I will update you all soon with all the happenins of my life. My husband's grandmother passed away last week and my brother's grandmother passed away yesterday morning. Needless to say, I'm not having the best 2 weeks ever. But I've still got stories and I promise that they will get shared VERY SOON.

Indeed.

Thanks for your patience. Any questions, comments, complaints?
Please forward them to Mr. Ryan Losch.

Stay classy San Diego.


LaLosch

08 August 2009

Da Lobster

Yea, I'll visit a Red Lobster WHENEVER I can. We're in the Losch stomping grounds for a long weekend and I've already had Steak n' Shake and White Castle. Red Lobster just tops it all off. I'm full and happy. I'll bring you some biscuits.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

02 August 2009

Stuff Lexi Likes

Ok, so I own "Stuff White People Like." But c'mon, I'm married to a white man! I feel like it's a sort of bible, if you will, to learn the ways of my husband's people. But I thought I thought it was so hilarious, that I bought the book at a Christian Lander book reading in Harvard Sqaure and he signed my copy of the book. He wrote "Lexi, Welcome." :)

So anyway, ManLosch (and a few other friends and relatives) are convinced that I'm part white, and that I should go through the book and find things that I like. So I will be sharing with you what I have in common and at the end, how white I actually am. And if you can't find the humor in this, stop now. Because I find the humor in this; I'm completely comfortable in my own skin and being a lovely black woman, so if you WON'T find the humor in this, just go watch Diddy's new reality show or something (yea, it's on right now, I'm "watching" it).

#15 Yoga
I love yoga. No I won't go out and buy $80 pants for it, but I agree that you can't do yoga in jeans or JUST regular sweatpants. And I don't dump large amounts of money into paying for it (just part of my gym membership). But yes, I love me some yoga, except for Douchey Derrick.

#24 Wine
Look, I'm sorry, I love wine! It's quicker than a mixed drink for me and goes oh so great with dinner. I don't really know where they come from, I embrace all wines. So does that really make me THAT white? I don't discriminate.

#25 David Sedaris
WHAT?! He's a funny man! And yes, I would pay to hear/see him read. And I would totally set up the jokes in my head because I'd know they'd be coming. And I'd talk about it later. And I'd make you feel awful for not going.

I encourage you to find a copy of the book and read it so you can follow along with my updates until I ultimately tell you how "white" I am. Because if you DON'T get a copy, I'm going to make you feel awful for not picking it up and reading it.