Believable or Not???

Any suggestions?

Leave it At Your Desk

Dear Employees (of any company, school, etc):

It is inappropriate to bring your coffee mug (or any other food item on that note) into the restroom.
Do you not realize the action that goes on in the restrooms? Do you not realize that all of that is seeping into your coffee????? Do you really plan on bringing that half sandwich back to your desk and eating it now, along with that coffee??

Please rearrange your stops so the coffee/lunch/conversation that could have waited ends up on your desk before visiting the lavatories to take care of whatever your business may be.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
The Employee who Leaves Things at Her Desk

Things people 65 & over should NOT do

So my best friend (Marcus) and I decided to come up with a list together of things people 65 & over shouldn't do. It may not be a fair list, but really, think about it. Then picture one of your grandparents doing it. I guarantee it's not pretty.

• Drop down and get their eagle on
• Wear anything resembling the "business" of the opposite sex
• Buy/adopt cats and give them names that sound like they have a mothball scent attached to it, like Mittens or Buttons
• Procreation
• Heavy lifting
• Tanning (naturally in the sun or in a salon)
• Take steroids
• Build evil robots to take over the world
• Buy a Lil Wayne or Lady Gaga CD
• Ride sleds
• Be on Facebook or use Twitter (Interests: Boost, Days of Our Lives, Bingo...)
• Drive
• Get drunk/high (but this may actually be quite humorous)
• Get a weave
• Wear anything with the word "Juicy" on it (bonus points if it's spelled out in rhinestones)
• Wear thongs or speedos
• Do body shots
• Use a gas stove to cook ("Cecil....how long have the beans been on???")
  

Nuevo!

Check out the nuevo-ness of the blog. Hope you like the changes coming at 'cha.

Boo- tothe-yah.

It's Hot

Being mobile is awesome. It let's me share with you all that I'm sweltering right now sitting in this rental car(I'm in Miami). I can barely blog because my hands are so damn sweaty. Save me Jeebus.
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I'm Mobile!!

I'm mobile too b*tches!!!! Holllllerrrrrrrrrr
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Errplane

I thought exposing these three stories was appropriate considering that I will be flying to Miami tomorrow morning. Who wouldn't be intrigued by snakes on a plane, a man urinating on a woman during a flight, and a man driving through the gates of a runway up to a plane because he said he needed to get to Israel because he had all "the answers." I hit the jackpot in terms of timing.

Let's just hope I can have minimal incidents this weekend.

"Reality"

Dear NBC, ABC, Fox, MTV, and VH1,

Please stop making reality series (except for SuperNanny. Please keep SuperNanny). It's like watching a train wreck. You don't really want to watch what's about to happen, but you just can't help it!
Remember THIS train wreck???
And THIS one??

Ok well those 2 have a common thread, but still! Srsly. I believe that sitcoms still have potential, power, and an active audience. I just started watching "Better Off Ted" on ABC, and you did well ABC. I like it alot. But Fox.....you plan on making a reality show based on people getting laid off?? See that line back there? Yea, way back there. Keep looking. Keep going. Yea, right there? See it? YOU CROSSED IT A LONG TIME AGO.

Please take my plea into consideration. My generation and future generations should no longer be subjected to such hideous displays of "employment." Because it's not really reality. Maybe for some smaller sub sections, but no one benefits from it. Even on Extreme Makeover, these beautiful houses are built to help families in need, but did anyone stop to think about the taxes on these things after ABC wheels away the bus and the volunteer workers???? Thanks for your "donations" Sears and JC Penney, but someone ends up paying for it.

I look forward to discussing with you how we can change the future of television. You can contact me anytime.

Sincerely,
Concerned Viewer

Resurrection 2.0

Happy Belated Easter all! Guess who went to mass yesterday? That would be me (but I generally go to mass anyway, which is where alot of my blog material comes from...is that wrong??). Mass was a shitshow yesterday and here is why: CatholicswhosaytheyareCatholicbutonlycometochurchonXmasEveandEaster. Just stay home, like any other Sunday. The fact that you only come to mass the night that Jesus was born and then the day he was resurrected should tell you something. I'm not holier than thou either, but I try to make a solid effort to go most Sundays strictly for some blog worthy material (while trying to learn a valuable lesson every now and then). Anyway, do what you want, but you should come for the show more often. It's entertaining.

That being said, in short here is what happened yesterday: almost had a panic attack due to the amount of people in the pews, in the aisles, and by the front door standing. The old man next to me ended up sitting TOO close and I'm pretty sure he heard me huff and puff to Ryan about him sitting on my coat and purse when his wife invited someone else to sit in the pew that already had no more room. So he kind of cut his eyes at me during "Peace Be With You" and barely shook my hand. Screw you buddy. Don't sit on my sh*t next time and maybe I'll want to punch you less.

There were kids everywhere, and I wanted to punch most of them in the ear. There were 3 girls in front of me with their parents and grandparents. The two oldest ones were talking about getting a dog. The fatter one said "It is my lifelong dream to get a dog and name him Spotty." (Honey, if that's your lifelong dream, you've got OTHER problems). The younger one who will probably get married first said "I want to get a Chihuahua and name him Olé." EVERYONE turned around, non-family included, and gave her the "Aww, isn't that SO precious?!" glance and head nod. Sorry chunkster, I think your sis won that round.

Besides the cacophony of child cries, the woman who clapped at the end of the homily, the scuffle that broke out in the communion line between mother and daughter, and woman downing the rest of the wine, mass wasn't terrible. I guess I just can't handle all those people.

What tops off the morning was our trip to IHOP for breakfast. It wasn't crowded at all, and this woman and her boyfriend kind of cut in front of me to give the host their name. But they asked "What's the wait time for 2?" The guy said "No more than 5 minutes, we aren't busy." The couple stood there debating if 5 minutes was too long and then said "Do you think it'll take that long? Can you seat us now?" The guy just stood there looking at them with the "Are you nuts?" look and said "Um, you can put your names in and I'm pretty sure you will be seated soon. The guy says (which I had to repeat to Ryan later and once he realized what he said, broke out into an unstoppable fit of laughter), "Well, she has REALLY been craving a waffle, so can you seat us now?" WHAT?! This isn't a 5 star restaurant amigo. This is IHOP. Put your name in and sit down and wait to be called, it's not even a 5 minute wait!!!! He used her waffle craving as the reason why they needed to be seated that instant. We laughed all the way through breakfast.

Hopefully I'll see some of you on the next major holiday (Could be Administrative Professionals Day OR Cinco de Mayo....BYOB though). Doesn't have to be at mass, maybe we can just go to IHOP and share some waffles together. I know you've been craving one.

Creepy much??

Who THINKS of these things?????

Man.....

Overdue Tribute

This is 2 or 3 years overdue, but I salute you Jim Cantore of The Weather Channel. In fact, I slightly adore you.

The frequency with which I'd watch The Weather Channel increased when I moved to South Florida, the land of hurricanes, random tornadoes every now and then, and rain beyond rain. When I lived off campus, I was more concerned about hurricane season due to a car being out in the open environment where a tree could land on it, losing a roof, etc., so I watched TWC and first saw Jim Cantore. He had such a passion for the weather, telling one hurricane "Enough is enough" that we could NOT stop watching him and kept TWC on all evening. That hurricane did not rip off our roof, but one that came rolling through 2 months later did pull up our roof enough that we had leaks in our ceiling. But thanks to Jim Cantore's reporting, we were prepared with tons of canned crap we normally wouldnt eat other than when NOT having power for a week and took long showers the night before just in case.



If you see Jim Cantore in your town, that's probably not a good sign. You should probably pack up and leave for a few days, as death and destruction will soon follow. But we appreciate your fearless reporting and love of all things weather-related. This was long overdue, but you're a total rockstar Jimmy.

I saw you again Blue Ford Focus

Today you are parked on 3, right around the corner from me. You also have a UM alumni license plate for the back license plate. Why do you torture me so? You know you want to meet me. Stop playing car games.


Sincerely,
Black woman in the Black Ford Explorer SportTrac

To You, Blue Ford Focus

Dear Blue Ford Focus,

I've seen you driving around on School Street and apparently, you either work at the Arsenal too, or you go to the gym there. Yesterday, 4/7/09, you even parked next to me. Do you know why I want to know you? Because you have a "U" front license plate and my Black Ford Explorer SportTrac has a "U" license plate holder and a big orange and green "U" on the back window. Our cars are destined to meet. To the woman who drives the Focus, I also think we are destined to meet and share conversation about ye olde days at the University of Miami. You parked next to me and when I went to my car after 5:30pm, you were still there. I let my car start up, in hopes you might walk out to your car, but you did not. I then left my space, circled around the floor to exit, and then I saw you starting YOUR car. I missed you by 30 seconds.

So to you mysterious woman in the Blue Ford Focus with the "U" license plate, one day, we shall meet.

Sincerely yours,
Woman in the Black Ford Explorer SportTrac

Lexi's Gym Adventures

So I finally joined the gym. A gym. Whatever. I don't like to physically exert myself other than....well...yea. So this was a huge step for me. Is it a step in the right direction? Who knows what the "right direction" is anyway? It's a step somewhere.

I signed up on March 24th and finally, albeit slightly begrudingly, walked thru the doors with the intention to wear a sports bra and move my limbs last night. I didn't want to go in alone, so I forced my friend and awesome co-worker Stef to walk in with me and show me the ways of the women's locker room, as old saggy boobs and random towels do not appeal to me. I've decided that for now, I'm sticking with yoga until I'm more comfortable navigating my way around the gym. After Stef ensured me over and over that I wouldn't die in the gym, I forced her to walk me to the yoga class, walk me INSIDE the room, and then after I put my mat down, I let her leave me (sound familiar? YEA, FIRST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN).

The class was good though, I liked it. Except...except for Godzilla. Yoga is supposed to be calm, quiet, and relaxing, and after awhile, give me better posture, flexibility, etc. But when you have this in your class:


...it's kind of hard to concentrate on anything OTHER than the loud heavy breathing. Imagine Godzilla in your yoga class. Then imagine that Godzilla is auditioning for a role in the movie "Fame." Your yoga experience has now been slightly tainted, hasn't it? For the most part, I liked the class; the instructor walks around and her voice was so calming. She even walked around and gave everyone of us back rubs (LUCKY!). But I don't know that I enjoy class with Godzilla and also, the two people right next to me. I couldn't stand their conversation before the class started. Maybe I was just jealous that no one came with me ::coughcoughSTEFcoughcough::

All in all, it was a positive experience and I'll be going back. After all, I'm paying for the membership, so I guess I should be going back. Then again, there IS a smoothie bar at the front.......

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

I don't think I quite understand why every time some organization has a food drive, they always ask for peanut butter, jelly, and usually canned tuna. If I were on the receiving end of said food drive, I'd like a $20 gift card to the supermarket to blow on organic bread or soy milk. Not everyone likes peanut butter and jelly. Not everyone likes tuna. And just because I may be hungry/homeless/whatever, doesn't mean I don't want chicken, beef, or mashed potatoes. Used clothes drive? Yea, that's fine, I like vintage or previously worn items. I'm ok with that. But at least spring for a little more than peanut butter and jelly. Besides, I'm allergic. Pass the salmon please.

Professional Endeavor

I've decided to start my own business! Yes, that's right. Lexi Losch is going into business for herself. I'm a huge fan of educating the kids, so what better way to do that than opening up a center for kids to congregate? Welcome to:

"The Center for Things Lexi Can't Do or Doesn't Do Well but Wants to Teach Kids To Do Good."

Zoolander is my inspiration and I'll be asking him for some start up money.

The idea for this came about on Sunday when discussing my lack of interest for skiing, but that I'd love to teach kids how to ski anyway. Ryan said "But they'd fail." I told him that they wouldn't; that they'd know to do the exact opposite of what I told them to do (pizza.....french fries....). Below, find a list of classes that I'd offer (based on the name of the center):

Skiing (Learn how to put the long things on that take you down a hill or whatever)
Calculus...or any Math for that matter (1+1=2??? Nah, let's look at that again..)
Sports (Wait, basketball DOESN'T have a quarterback??)
Moonwalking (This class may have a size limit based on the instructor)
Drawing (Look, just put the glue on your hands and peel it off, I don't know where the pencils are)
Drinking (They have to learn SOMETIME, right? Why not with a responsible adult?)
Singing ( If Sanjaya can make it, so can you!!)
Fixing Computers (Kick it twice and if it still doesn't work, get the bat)


And this is just the beginning! I'm still looking for sponsors just in case, so if you're willing to help, feel free to send all your money, I mean, a kind donation, to my home address. But I only take cash. Remember, I'm not really all that great with math.

MBTA is going the wrong way

Some of the worst feelings in the world are:
Being dumped
Realizing you ran out of toilet paper AFTER you've sat down on the toilet
Waiting for the 20 minute late bus

Today, MBTA, you had not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, BUT 7 BUSES in the span on a 1 1/2 block radius, which tells me, yes, you were NOT running on schedule. You normally don't, but it was exceptionally bad this morning. Luckily I drove in, but there were parties of people at ALL bus stops. There were, on average, about 15 people per bus stop, and those are the stops no one really gets on at either!! This is also in Belmont, MA mind you, not even downtown Boston. In other words, MBTA, you suck. You really suck. You seriously can't raise fares without making positive changes to your performance. If you can't even balance a schedule, there's no wonder why you and Deval can't balance the budget. Get it together. Srsly.

I repeat, NO I'm not interested

Sunday, March 15, 2009
Around 2:30pm-ish
Offender: Barnes and Noble employee(s)

Offense: Let me provide you with a background story first. (In Miami, Barnes and Noble was usually my choice of book vendor. They were usually in a place where I happened to be when out for the day, so I would make a special effort to make my way to B&N. Because of this, I signed up for the Membership, which was $25 for the year, which provided me with significant savings. It was worth it then. Ryan and I then moved to Boston and he signed up for a membership at the Coop for $2 and he gets money back at the end of each year for savings. We also go to Borders. I also now go to the Boston Public Library because the library here is awesome and it's free, so I like saving money. Therefore, we did NOT renew our B&N membership.)
This past Sunday, we both decided to buy a few books at B&N. I bought 3 and Ryan bought 2. We checked out separately because if we didn't, it would have been $100 or more on someone's bank card. No biggie. I go to check out first and the employee starts to ring up my purchases. She then says "Do you have a Barnes and Noble membership card with us?" I replied "No I don't." She says "Hmm. Well you should sign up for one, you'd save money today." I said "I don't want to, but thank you." What happened next scared me a little and if you've seen the movie "Coraline," this woman turned into The Other Mother. She then says "WELL YOU'D SAVE AT LEAST $8 IF YOU SIGNED UP FOR ONE!! I don't understand why you aren't signing up for one." (Just like The Other Mother didn't understand why Coraline didn't want buttons sewn into her eyes!!!) I looked at her stunned, swiped my card and said "Um, I don't want one. Can you check me out please?" She then rolls her eyes and says "Ok, FINE. That'll be $48.75. It'd be alot less if you signed up for a membership." I cut my eyes at her, put in my pin, took my books, and said "Thanks, have a good day!" I walked back to Ryan who was checking out at this point and I walked into a conversation he was having with the other B&N employee. The employee was saying "Well why don't you give me the phone number of a relative, a friend, anyone. I bet they have a card." (The employee apparently said to Ryan before I walked over: "I KNOOOWWWW you have a Barnes and Noble membership card. I just know you do." Ryan said "Uh, no I don't and I'm not interested.") So as he was asking for a phone number, Ryan said "No. No one I know. No one. I just want to check out." The guys says "Well you'd save-" I cut in and said "No. Let's go. Cmon. We have to go." Ryan swiped his card as the guy was saying "Well you would have saved some money today." He took his books and we hustled out the store. We got outside and literally both said "OH MY GOD!!!!! Did you HEAR that???!" We ranted about it for a good 5 minutes, deducing that we don't go there enough to make the savings for the year worthwhile, that the woman was an extreme, expired douchebag, and that we were violated.

Verdict: Both employees are guilty of "Membership Pushing/Dealing" and must serve 6 months in the Boston Public Library learning how a free membership to a library saves money and makes people smile. Also, 1,000 hours of community service at Panera, learning how to make my breakfast sandwiches the right way.

Forever Indeed

Please don't let this turn into something it's notI can only give you everything I've gotI can't be as sorry as you think I shouldBut I still love you more than anyone else couldAll that I keep thinking throughout this whole fightIs it could take my whole damn life to make this rightThis splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me longBecause I know fine well that what I did was wrong

Florida

Things I miss about Florida:
The beach
Arroz con pollo from La Carreta
Sun
Sun showers
University of Miami
Sunday brunch at 94th Aero Sqaudron
Lincoln Road
Bayside
Going to the beach in the "winter"
Flip flops all year round
Football (UM, no Dolphins please, thanks)
Orlando being in close distance
The easy awarding of drivers licenses
Party boats all year round
No state taxes

Things I DON'T miss about Florida:
The rest of the state besides South Florida
University of Florida
Florida State University
Hurricanes
The ease of awarding drivers licenses
Getting caught in the rain at any random moment of the day
Santa's Enchanted Forest traffic
Los Cubanos who lived 2 doors down from me
Hialeah
Metro-Rail
The Trick-Daddy's of every ghetto neighborhood