"....is there trouble between you and I? Did my heart break enough....did it break enough..this time?"
So I'm out in the driveway with the LoschDog yesterday. He's been wearing one of those horrific e-collars still and had a little bit of puppy diarrhea lately so I've been gentle with him and NOT taking him on extensive walks and he's on the bland diet. He's doing alright, but it's easier to let him sniff around in the driveway, get some air, and go relax upstairs. So we're out right? And the house next door to me is fairly large and yesterday, the windows were open. I heard their phone ring and it startled me, thinking it was my cell phone. It wasn't. Then this is what I hear:
"Marla.....no. MARLA! You aren't listening to me! No, this hasn't been working out....no...uh huh. No this whole summer I've been disappointed. It's just not working-....Marla......Marla....no....I'm not happy, why can't you see that???"
Yep folks. The break-up call. I heard next door neighbor breaking up with some chick named Marla. And being the nosy little whore I am, I pretended that LoschDog was still sniffing around when in reality, he wanted to go back upstairs.
"You never call me, we never go out anywhere...I'm bored! Marla I'm not having this-....no I'm not having this conversation, this is not negotiable...."
Here's my thing: If you're going to leave your window open and you're going to raise the volume of your voice, then you deserve to be listened to, not even just heard. Yes, I WILL be that person to listen to your conversation if you provide me that opportunity and it's interesting enough. It's like me walking around the apartment with my blinds open and I'm naked. I'm asking for people to look at me (not that I've got the most banging bod anyway). But it was also a little sad to hear NextDoor Dude breaking up with his chippy. It made me think about all the ways I've been broken up with:
1st Douche: "I don't love you anymore." (this was over IM mind you)
2nd Douche: "Yes, I'm cheating on you." (gets in father's car and drives away; we argue long distance and we don't speak for years. we're friends now actually)
3rd Douche: Just didn't speak to me (wasn't really a relationship anyywaaaaay)
4th Douche: "So when do you plan on coming over? I've been jerking off all week." (sha-WHAT?!)
5th Douche: Oh wait. No. I got married. No Douche. Scratch that. Sorry ManLosch.
Those were just the major ones. I've left out the fleeting one week-ers or random hook-ups. So I guess there's really no great way to break up with someone. It seems to just happen. If I were given the chance to break up with a few more guys, I'd use these excuses:
"Um, my mom got herpes from a monkey. It's just not working for you and I"
"So I only date guys who use T-Mobile and have been in the commercial with Catherine Zeta-Jones and then took her on a date and banged her. No? That wasn't you? Sorry then. It's not working."
"Jesus said so. Booyah. Get outta my face!"
"It's not me...it's actually just you. You're awful. You suck at life."
Ahhhhh break-ups....any of you have any good/hilarious break-up stories? Beware: depending on the story, I may have to break-up with you as friends. It's just not working for me, ya know?
Darn right "No Douche." I better not be put in the same category as those others. I'm not saying I haven't been involved in douchey breakups, but that was high school/high school remnants. Who hasn't? (Maybe a 40 year old virgin.)
ReplyDeleteWhich is why I love asking about the one who got away...the one who stood up on the center console in the car...aahhahahaahaha
ReplyDeleteYou SO have a bangin' bod! I'd watch you if I knew where you lived, and you left your blinds open while walking around in your birthday suit. For real. (I hope we don't have to break up now.)
ReplyDeleteAnd I've had some douchey break-ups. Not many, but yeah they still suck. And I'm happily married now, so it's ALL GOOD.
i'm trying my darndest to play "name that douche" but i feel as though i'm sucking at life. i think i got 1st, 2nd, and 4th douche... and obviously rydizz.
ReplyDeletei don't have any good break up stories. why? because i would have to have a relationship to break up. oh, wait. that sounds really pathetic. oh well. such is life. BUT! i remember, in 8th grade, franko middle school, 3rd floor, ms. marshall's earth science class, linda "made" me walk up to her bf, tell him "you're cut!", and walk away. i was such the gay. haha.
That is hilarious! How do you end up in those situations anyways? lol :P
ReplyDeleteLets see...most recently I was broken up with via email....and it went something like this:
ReplyDeleteI get the feeling that you like me and want to pursue this. I just don't think I have the time you deserve....and so on....
Umm....hello why start dating someone if you don't have the time and don't want that
Amen sister. Amen.
ReplyDelete