I should have trusted my gut instinct that told me NOT to go to yoga last night. But I went anyway, obviously. And my dear readers, let me share with you my night.
Before I even made it to the locker room, the couple that goes to yoga that I don't like was also walking in. I found out his name is Derrick, so I call him Douchey Derrick. They were walking in right in front of me, and he let the door slam in my face. STRIKE 1. He also then let the door to the yoga studio slam in my face. STRIKE 2 Douche-a-maroo.
I took my usual spot in the back corner, because that's where I find the most peace. I like having the wall as a neighbor. Douchey Derrick and his chippy were busy chatting away before yoga.
Chippy: "I really don't want to invite Karen. Should I?"
DD: "Babe, if you don't want to, you shouldn't."
Chippy: "Well I'm already inviting alot of people that know her, like all in her circle, and NOT her. Does that look bad?"
DD: "Babe, it's totally fine. She won't care. She should know that no one likes her anyway." (Affectionately rubs back of Chippy)
I had to tune out because I was ready to shoot him with an arrow. But I didn't tune out for long, because the yoga teacher, Nina, waltzes in, and nonchalantly informs us that she forgot the music. Ok, whatever. No big. Except, she decided to sit down and start talking about Harry Potter instead. And the weather. And it was about 6:03pm (yoga is supposed to start at 6). I almost blurted out "I pay for a membership. Can we please stop discussing Harry Potter and his weather predictions and get a move on?" but I remained silent in the corner.
Now, don't get me wrong, the actual poses and stretches that she chose this session weren't bad. I enjoyed them. But I've discovered that Nina doesn't like silence. And because she forgot her music, she decided to fill the space with her voice instead, talking about things that had nothing to do with my Ujjayi breathing technique, so I was doing my best to tune it out. Then we went all daycare style and had to pair up to practice our Half Moon pose. Those that know me know that I can be a pretty solitary gal, so pairing up during a time that I reserve for ME, MYSELF, AND I is a big no-no. This isn't the first time Nina has pulled some shit like this. I don't like strangers feeling on my lady business areas, so I was hesitant. But so was the girl next to me and she seemed all tan and glistening, so we figured our pairing was the best we were going to get. She smelled REALLY good (not that I noticed......but I did.....) and was pretty, so at least it helped. Douchey Derrick and his Chippy paired off (a-duh). After he finished stretching her out (mmmhmmmm), he gave her a little pat on the butt. REEEEEEAAAALLLY?! This is not some 3 on 3 pick-up basketball game where she just made some really awesome shot from the balcony or something. This is YOGA. Stop it PLEASE. You have entered a new level of annoyance for me Douchey Derrick.
And the side chatter continued. I was ready to punch a pony at this point. As my Depeche Mode friends will understand..."Enjoy the Silence." PLEASE. I feel like anyone practicing yoga should embrace that. So finally we're at the last 10 minutes of yoga, about to practice our Wheel pose, and these 2 girls just walk in. They're busy chatting and are COMPLETELY oblivious to the fact that a yoga class is still going on. Finally, Nina says "Um..we're still in a yoga session" and one of the girls goes "Oh my God! Like, I didn't-Oh My God." But they just stood there, unsure of what to do. Then Nina kinda head motioned towards the door and they left. Weird.
As I was leaving the locker room, not feeling like I had the best yoga session ever, but at least feeling stretched out, I caught a glimpse of Douchey Derrick and his Chippy MAKING OUT in front of the studio. Sha-What? Stop. Stop it now. You're going to see her again after you change your clothes. This has GOT to stop. You need to stop. I'm serious. I can't handle you anymore.
My night continued to get worse. I had to take my Dizzle (also known as Jordan...he is the LoschDog) to the vet. $200 later, a conversation about ear surgery, and an e-collar that he tried to take off until 1am completely wore me out. I was tired, hungry, and frustrated. I laid a blanket down on the floor and that calmed him. He finally slept and I slept with him on the floor until ManLosch came home from his night shift.
I need a pick-me up. Seriously. And remembering that I have to work this weekend does NOT help. :(
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