Chill on the Chili

Yoga was new tonight. It was moved to 7:30pm and Jill was teaching. So needless to say, I was excited that I'd be Savasana-ing with Jill again. Well, before this class is Pilates with Nina. I'm not sure I'm ready to try it, so I was sitting outside, waiting for that class to finish up before I went into the studio. These 2 girls were busy talking about some crap I don't remember, but I did want them to shut up. I DO remember that.

We went inside the studio and the two girls throw their mats down right next to me. The manly one starts talking about what she did that day and then says "Yea, I had chili for lunch." The other one says "Ooo that sounds good! I wish we had better lunch selections." BLAH BLAH BLAH, SHUT UP. So fastfoward about 20 minutes into yoga. I'm deep into my poses, doing a twisted version of Warrior 1, and my olfactory senses kicked in. The husky ho farted in my face!!! Why the hell would you eat chili knowing you were going to be twisting your body around later? It was lots o' nasty.

Moral: Do not eat chili before yoga. Thaaaaank youuuuu.

ManLosch to the Rescue

At around 6:45am this morning, I got out of bed to get into the shower. Dreary-eyed, I flipped the bathroom light on, and I let out a blood-curdling scream (didn't seem to affect Jordan though, he slept right through the commotion). Ryan ran into the hallway and asked me what was wrong. I screamed, backed away and pointed.

Because I swear I saw a bug the size of Jordan on the bathroom wall. Actually I'm fairly certain that the bug ate a centipede, then grew another 100 legs on top of the ones it somehow took from the centipede, and maybe ate a squirrel before finding his way into my bathroom at 6:45am. It looked a little like this:

(those little red things are teeth that I'm sure it had based on how awful it looked)

I squealed and pointed, squealed and pointed. Ryan said "Wow, that thing is huge." I screamed back "KILL IT RYAN. GET RID OF IT, OH MY GOD, GET RID OF IT!!!!" He replied "Oh yea, right. Hold on." He got a paper towel, and disposed of the evil 200 legged bug that tried to ruin my morning routine. Sorry people, I just don't like bugs. That's just the way it is. I made Ryan check all the drawers and cabinets in the bathroom before I even stepped foot in there. I told him to put up a "No vacancy" sign because the bugs seem to think that this is a halfway house when it starts to get cold out.

Crisis averted. Thanks ManLosch for saving me yet again, from the evil bugs that enter my personal space (except for the spider that crawled on my arm in the rental car a few weeks ago, where I leaped into the backseat of the convertible, thinking the spider couldn't crawl into the backseat, but whateeevvvverrrrrrr).

Stuff Lexi Likes #3

(Before we move on, I just want to let you all know that Purina responded to me by sending me 3 coupons: 1 for free Purina crap, and the other 2 allow me to save $1 off some more Purina crap...oh and a computer generated postcard telling me they were happy for my inquiry, blah blah blah....effin Purina.)

Continuing on with things from the book "Stuff White People Like," we will continue to learn just exactly how white I may be.

#69 Mos Def
C'mon though, this isn't even fair. I like him. C'moooonnnnnnnnnnn.

#75 Threatening to Move to Canada
How many times have I threatened to leave the U.S. to live in Canada? My rationale? Canadians don't bother anyone ever. That has to be all kinds of awesome. Then I remember they have winter too and that I already don't do so well in Boston.

#79 Modern Furniture
I love IKEA. You know you do too. Don't even play. It's also affordable on my salary. And most likely yours too! So go there now and buy me a snazzy new lamp.

#81 Graduate School
What? Was I supposed to find a job with a Bachelor's in Psych?! No one warned me how useless the liberal arts are except when you're arguing with someone (in which you probably aren't getting paid, unless you're a lawyer, in which case, you aren't using your liberal arts undergraduate degree for that). Grad School was the best option, and guess what? I loved it. Suck on that.

#83 Bad Memories of High School
It's not my fault that I had to go through a metal detector every day and people got shot and stabbed just as often as a nympho goes through a box of lambskin prophylactics.

Stay tuned.......

Updates from a Recliner

You like updates on my life. So keep reading. Yea...go on....you know you want to....

I normally DON'T blog about work. That's my biggest rule about my blog. But I'm sorry, I can't NOT share the fact that someone at work has swine flu...oh wait, sorry, H1N1. Yes. The first confirmed case. At my job. And it's not a large company, so even though the name of the unfortunate victim wasn't in the email, we all freakin know who it is. And when we received that email, EVERYONE freaked out. I mean, people were running into the kitchen to grab hand sanitizer and Lysol wipes. I swear I'm not lying. People congregated around desks to discuss swine flu and how they don't want it (look, if you all congregate TOGETHER, you're more apt to pass germs....ever think about THAT???).

Besides that, the other biggest event of the day was the bag of popcorn that didn't make it all the way down in the vending machine. People spent money to try to buy other heavier things to push the popcorn down. There was even a wire hanger involved, along with shaking the machine, hitting the machine, sticking a knife in the machine, and hands and arms. Welcome to my job.

(Okay, I will probably NEVER blog about work again, considering the above wasn't really all that revealing or funny or insulting, but whatever. I can't break the rule.)

So I'm at yoga tonight and Nina tells us that the schedule is changing. They are moving my 6pm Hatha Yoga to 7:30. But guess who is teaching it? My fave instructor JILL!! I nearly sharted, I was so damn happy (I didn't really). So I'm super excited for next week. And since it was the last class for now with Nina, she asked us what our favorite poses were, and I completely rocked my class today. I had a great yoga session. Score.

See? I told you that you'd want to read about my life.

Verizon....We Need To Talk

Dear Verizon,

I thought FiOS would be better. I really did. And you know what? It IS better, except the incredibly moronic "cable guy" you sent over to install it did a shoddy job. So our cable shorts out every so often (during the Miami vs. Oklahoma game mind you) while we're watching very important television. So uncool. And the cable guy? Yes, he basically raped my husband with stories of how he got poison ivy and that's why he's being laid off from Verizon. Oh, he also told my husband that he would have had someone else come over to finish the job if he(my husband) was annoying, but lucky for him, heh heh. WTF??!? THAT'S who you sent to install our snazzy new cable? THAT'S who you sent to lure us away from Comcast???

Look, so far, it's working out. But barely. The shorting out has to stop. Oh and also? You can stop sending us promotional information in the mail about signing up for package deals with Verizon. WE ALREADY SIGNED UP. You're wasting the money that we pay you for HD cable/internet/phone/DVR by throwing it right back into promotional materials being sent right back to us. It's a vicious cycle Verizon. Stop it. And you offer way too many sports channels. This is bordering ridic. We even get Chicago sports and news. We get the Yankees channels, which are all well and good, but dammit, I just want to watch "Glee," "Grey's Anatomy," and "South Park" and call it a damn night.

Let's start over Verizon, ok? I want to give us a shot, but this is a two-way street. Let's try to get to "like" before we rush to "love."

Faithfully Yours(for now),
L. Losch

These Days.....

"....I wish I was 6 again
Oh make me a red cape
I wanna be Superman..."

I was reminiscing a little today about college, and remembered how much we used to jam to John Mayer (yea yea). One of my absolute favorite songs is called "1983" where he sings about wishing his life was more like it was in 1983. So I posted a song lyric and mi amigo C.Jones responded to it. We started talking about the song and he said "I wish I could go back to about 1995 and do it all over, but knowing what I know now so I could do it right."

Ain't that the damn truth?! We started throwing out scenarios, things we wish we could go back and change. So things I wish I could go back and change?

I wish I wouldn't have worn those baby pink patent leather high heels with the maroon tights, maroon skirt, and baby pink sweater set in 1995. No one warned me about the possible danger.

I wish I would have learned to play the drums. I could have dated myself.

I wish I would have paid attention in Mr. Caicedo's Global History class instead of sitting in the back eating Airheads all of 3rd period.

I wish I would have made threats to run away from home sooner so my parents would have gotten divorced before (I only would have gone down the block or something to my aunt's house).

I wish I would have gone to the prom with that kid David who was a senior when I was a freshman, but I lied to him and told him my name was Ayana on my first day of school.

I wish I wouldn't have "dated" that kid Patrick. Because we never really dated. But he kinda broke up with me by not returning my one phone call. That was a waste of a few weeks and a summer of writing letters from Florida.

I wish I wouldn't have skipped AP Calculus....well.....yea, no, I wish I would have actually just dropped it.

I wish I got to use all the cool kinds of toothpaste kids got to use. I just used adult Crest or some shit like that. I always wanted to use the Sesame Street toothpaste.

I wish I would have worn jeans that actually fit my body instead of hiding it in baggy jeans.

I wish I would have kept those tape cassettes that my best friend Zoe and I used to make back in 8th grade in her room. We used to sing, tell stories, and talk about people. Then we'd go out walking thinking we were cool.

I wish I would have kicked Rudi Szentimery's (total spell check) ass for calling me a "puta" on the corner of High Street and William Street on the walk home from school. Instead, he apologized profusely later and I ignored him. I was not the LaLosch then that I am today.


I know there are alot more things. It's funny to sit here and think back about things I'd change, if I knew then what I know now. But I don't want to bore you, so if this got YOU to reminisce about your own stories, share them! Because then we can sit here, laugh, and then have that awkward silence right after the laugh because you realize there's nothing you can do about it now. But I'd TOTALLY rock those baby pink patent leather heels now. Screw YOU 8th graders of Franko Middle School. I was just ahead of my time.

So Over It

I've realized today, that not only am I completely over September, and maybe even October before it starts, but that I'm also over 2009. Do you hear that 2009? I'm over you.

Impatiently waiting for 2010. And this time, it's going to go the way LaLosch wants it to go. In the words of my homie from the block Trick Daddy, "Let's go."

Booyah.

Not So Busy

I recently bought a Purina "Busy Bone" for the LoschDog. He loves chewing, surprisingly he doesn't chew on clothes or shoes or anything. But he loves rawhide and love bones. So the bag said "Fun Twisted Shape with meaty middle." It pointed to the outside part and said "Play Time!" and the meaty inside had an arrow and it said "Reward Time!" So the ManLosch and I get back from picking the pooch up from the PetsHotel after the weekend away, and I decided to give him a treat. He gladly accepted it and Ryan looked at the time.

Exactly 4 minutes later, Jordan was no longer busy. He finished the bone. So I decided to send an email to Purina, telling them exactly what happened:

"I recently bought a "Busy Bone" for my dog. Because of the name and because it said the outside of the bone provided "play time" and the inside "reward time," I bought it, knowing my dog would love it. He did love it. He loved it in 4 minutes flat, which in fact, did NOT keep him busy. Any other Purina product suggestions for an aggressive chewer such as mine?"

The next screen that came up informed me that a team member would answer my email as soon as possible. Riiiiiight. I just want to know why it's called "Busy Bone." It clearly did not keep my dog busy. There was no play time or reward time. It was just 4 minutes. 4 minute Bone. So I want some answers. Pretty soon.

Stay tuned.
Woof.

SVMO II: Attack of the Chuckles

So I had a run-in with the vending machine dude finally at work. On Monday, I was in the kitchen warming up my peanut butter sandwich to have before lunch (yea, shut up), and the vending machine guy walks in with his cart o' goodies. So I said "You know, you don't have to refill the Chuckles. No one eats the Chuckles."

Do you know what this 'tard said to me? "Wanna bet?" First, why the hell would you bet anyone on Chuckles? Second, if I said no one eats the Chuckles, I effin meant that no one eats the damn Chuckles. So I said "No not really. They just sit there. Look at all your snacks! We'd prefer 2 rows of fruit snacks over the Chuckles." He didn't say anything. He just proceeded to fill up the vending machine.

Wtf buddy?? I asked nicely. Why do we have 2 rows of Sour Cream and Chive crackers in our machine anyway? Right, no one eats them. So why can't we have 2 rows of something I actually suggest? It's ON vending machine douche. We're going to boycott the Chuckles until they are gross and stale and turn into Jawbreakers. You may have won this battle buddy guy, but you will not win the war. It's SO on.