I Got Soul

This commercial alone makes me want a Kia Soul, even though I think the cars are actually not cute.

New Follower!

Hi, I have a new follower! Everyone say hi to Sabrina. :)

And yes, I will catch you up on my life. I suck at blogging these days. I hope you still love me.

How To Sleep In An Airport

Any suggestions on how to close my eyes without getting my shit stolen?

1) Close one eye and keep one eye open?
2) Politely ask a stranger if I can lay in their lap?
3) Make a bed on the floor in the corner with all the stuff I packed and set my alarm?
4) Ask why the flight was delayed and demand a room at the airport Hyatt until the flight leaves, with transportation to and from the terminal?
5) Fart until enough people around me move so I can have the entire area to myself?
6) Close both eyes and just fuckin sleep and pray that my shit doesn't get stolen?

Maximum Boob

So I was going to use this post to talk about how my dog seems to be racist, but instead I have to vent.

So I just so happened to be checking out some friend's photos on Facebook. They were some photos of a wedding that has happened in the last few months or so. I dunno. It actually doesn't matter. Either way, ladies. LADIES. If you normally wear a size 10 and God has blessed you with some boobies, PLEASE do not try to stuff those boobies into a XS dress. This is exactly why I can't find my fuckin' size in any stores. Because of 39FFF boobie women like you. It's not even cute cleavage. It's like "Hey I want to show off my boobs and the best way to do that is by wearing this dress I found in my closet from 8th grade and letting my nips sit right at the edge of the dress, allowing maximum boob."

NO. Not ok. I have some coupons for the Gap if you like. Let's go shopping. And please put down the XS. No one ever said it was easy being skinny (being naturally skinny when you don't want to be). But at least leave my size so I CAN buy a new dress. Thanks.

Transformers 3: Return of the Man Thumbs

So I have this habit of watching movies on actual tv, even when we have them on DVD and I could totally pop the DVD in and watch it sans commercials. Instead, I choose to watch the edited version on tv, which is exactly what I did last night in a tank top and underwear with a plate of meatloaf on my lap (yes I was a happy lady).

"Transformers" was on ABC last night and since I liked it enough, I watched it. I figured I'd only watch it until ManLosch got home, but we ended up in deep discussion about Optimus Prime (which by the way, is a GREAT name for a child). And then I saw them. The man thumbs. I was like, "Wait a minute, Eva Mendes isn't in this movie!" IT'S MEGAN FOX! MEGAN FOX HAS MAN THUMBS. Holy crap.

Lexi's Take on the "Lost" Finale

Honestly, my opinion didn't change. I'm still lost. Lost left me lost. I gathered that people were dead and that relationships between people matter. Other than that, I still have a ton of questions. Maybe someone can help answer why the kidnapping of the children in like Season 2 was so significant, or why women couldn't have babies on the island. Anyone.....anyone?

I dedicated the last 5 years of my life to this show only to be left with alot of unanswered questions. Which I guess makes it a success, because Lost wouldn't be Lost if they didn't leave us confused.

I'm now still going to go with my Muppet theory. They're all dead Muppet Babies now.

Lost Finale

Did you watch it last night?

DID YOU WATCH IT LAST NIGHT?

I don't know what to think yet. Let me do some more research and get back to you. I dunno. How 'bout leaving a ton of other shit unanswered? Jeeeeeez.

Joe vs. A Crappy Education

Welcome to the very first post that includes my father (blogging family meet Joseph Franklin). We had a very animated conversation while I was waiting in the airport terminal today.

• Dad: So yea, she told me she was going down to Texas for her daughter's graduation, from DeVry (laughs).
• Me: What is so hilarious? Why are you laughing?
• Dad: I mean, cmon. DeVry? I didn't go to school, but I'm not that dumb. DeVry?
• Me: It's still an education, stop being so mean.
• Dad: Oh PLEASE. It's like the different between a real chicken wing and a fake chicken wing. You know a fake chicken wing when you get one.
• Me: Um, did you just equate the quality of someone's education to a CHICKEN WING??
• Dad: I didn't equate nothin. I'm just sayin, I can write a degree too and throw it in the trash can for someone else to pick up and say they got a degree.
• Me: Oh my god Dad.

This One Time....

..let me tell you a little story about how me paying it forward did NOT work (and maybe i need to give it more time)....

So I had a nice aisle seat on this flight, from ATL to SA. I sat and realized the woman next to me was not sitting next to her husband, so I asked her, "Would you and your husband like to sit together?" She said, "Really? You don't mind?" I said, "No, not at all." She asked him and he thanked me a few times. I took his window seat two rows up. No biggie.

A woman sits next to me with her baby and her young daughter. I think to myself "It's ok Lex. You always get stuck near the babies, but it'll be cool, no worries." Well we're sitting here, leaving the gate and the baby starts to cry. What I'm about to tell you next may or may not surprise you but it shocked the HELL out of me.

The woman pulls up her shirt and begins to breastfeed her baby. What? Just like that? While on the plane? In front of everyone? Yes sir. It was just out and proud. So I try to close my eyes and take a nap. I wake up right around the drink service, which is perfect timing. The child is asleep. But then he wakes up. Solution? More boob. Oh wait, what's that I smell? His diaper. And it reeks. She'll change it soon right? Nope. Instead, she gives the kid some V8 and crackers to fill up the already shit filled diaper. He fidgets some more. Whips out the boob. He falls asleep for a bit, but wakes up. She proceeds to NOT change the diaper, but give him cold french fries. He cries more, whips out the boob again. Doesn't work. More crackers.

Please, someone help me. I can't handle this anymore. I thought I was being nice by giving up my seat, and I hope pay it forward doesn't forget about me today or tomorrow even. I try to be a nice person. Instead, I got repaid with a diaper full of shit and a random tit in 23B.

Here's a fun little exchange though about this event (that's still occuring as I type this):

• Esperanza: You dummy, quit looking.
• Me: i can smell the diaper too and its NOT the goodies
• Esperanza: they are working...EWWWWWWW.
• Me: Esperanza, I'm NOT! But she's sitting right next to me!! And her tits are big.
• Esperanza: I know working boobs are loud. And planes are little.
• Me: and she just whips it out like solution for all worldly problems, i promise im not staring.
• Esperanza: Oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico?
• Me: im looking straight ahead, but it keeps finding its way out.
• Esperanza: LMAO OMG YOU KNOW YOU LAUGHED
• Me: no because all i can do is smell shit and it's REPULSIVE.
• Esperanza: the oil or her boobs?
• Me: i think once she gave him the V8 it turned into diarrhea.
• Esperanza: my first solution would be a didee change. always. smell didee? change.
• Me: but yes, solution for oil spill is HILARIOUS.

airTran FAIL

I'm on a plane to Atlanta and I'm ultimately headed to San Antonio. While lifting my own bag into the overhead compartment, I grabbed my netbook first so I wouldn't have to be all up in the aisle trying to fish for it later. Well, in the process of doing that, I sliced my finger on a work folder I had next to my netbook and it wasn't a little papercut. This was a slice in which blood started to come out rapidly. So I calmly placed my bag in the overhead and called a flight attendant over.

I asked her, "Excuse me, but would you happen to have a band-aid?" She replies, "No, I'm sorry I don't." So I wait and walk to the back to the restrooms to at least wash it off and apply some pressure with a paper towel. While waiting for one of the lavatories to open up, I stare right at a sticker labeled "First Aid." REALLY BITCH? You didn't have a band-aid, yet I'm staring at your first-aid kit????

FAIL.

Happy Mother's Day

Dear Mamas of the World,

You rock. You bring kids into the world (even though I think they are snot-nosed little brats) and you even raise when when they are 30 years old and shit. Some of you make awesome lunches and some of you should have stopped sending their daughters to school with warm tuna (ahem...MOM....coughcough). Some of you sacrificed everything to give your kids everything. Some of you raised us by yourselves. No matter what the circumstances, mothers of this beautiful planet, you are loved. Even when we fuck up and do some REALLY stupid shit, we love the hell out of you.

So Happy Mother's Day. You're awesome.

Love,
LaLosch

Maybe Fly List

Okay, I'm sorry, but I HAVE to rant about this. So I'm sure you've all heard about the guy who left the car bomb in the middle of Times Square which started Saturday. He also drove a different car to Times Square before that as his getaway car, but left his keys in the bomb car (wow, dummy). Anyway, on Monday, he boarded a flight to Dubai and was arrested there.

Here is my number one issue with this story.
He was on the NO FLY LIST.

If homeboy was on the no fly list, HOW THE FUCK DID HE BOARD A PLANE?!?! How did he even get that far? And hi, did anyone think it was strange that he paid for his ticket in cash? Yes, well finally, someone thought that was odd and contacted airport security about it, but he was still on the plane. He paid for his ticket in cash, even when his name was on the no fly list at that point in time.

Please everyone. I really need you to get it together. That is NOT excusable. That is NOT ok. That is NOT the goodies. I am a tax paying American, I do my due diligence, I do what I can to help others. Why can't I pay you to make me feel safe? Wait, I WAS doing that but you were just failing at your job for the time being.

Major fail. Rant over.

Is It A Video Game Or...?????

ManLosch and I went to the movies on Sunday. We love the previews. So a preview comes on and I say, "Hmm this looks more like the commercials for the Marines or Navy, etc." As we continue to watch it...oh...oh wait, NO. It's actually a commercial for a video game. We both mentioned how so many commercials these days that are for video games look like it's a recruitment video for the military. It's slightly disturbing.

Actually it's ALOT disturbing. I'm disturbed that we've deemed it acceptable to show games and things we can control like a military commercial. If only we could send soldiers in virtually and fight war virtually, things would be ALOT easier on this country. I'm just not able to accept the fact that video game commercials and military commercials are too similar.

Rant over, I'm gonna stop now. :)

Don't Drink The Water

What a gorgeous day today was! I wore a nice skirt and tank top out, flip flops, etc. Then I get to come home to find out that the governor declared a state of emergency in Massachusetts. We can't drink any water unless it's boiled or bottled. There was some big ass leak somewhere and it's affecting 2 million people east of the city of Weston.

We went to the store just to buy a few bottles, as naturally, we're hurricane survivors, we have no problem boiling water and OMG it was INSANITY. We also did our weekly food shopping but people were so confused about why there wasn't any water. Uh, HELLO? State of emergency usually means people freak out. So when you go to the store a few hours after it's been announced, don't expect to find what you're looking for and then curse the store manager out when you can't get any bottled water. Please crawl back into your hole and don't come back out. Thanks.

Well, this is just a good excuse to start drinking milk now, isn't it?

Why I Call Out Sick

Reasons why I call out sick (and for the record, that was only the SECOND time I've called out sick since working at my company):

• Seeing women named "Cheetara" on Maury. Thundercats much?
• Not having to drive in to work. Yes it's only 2 miles, but the bad drivers are littered along the drive. Very abundant. They drive me insane.
• Watching a woman dry hump Drew Carey on The Price is Right.
• Falling asleep and waking up and it's still daylight.
• Pretending to be interested in soap operas and turn after about 5 minutes of it.
• Tons of soup. Good soup. Yummy soup.
• Watching your dog sleep all day and realize that that's all he does when you aren't there too.
• Crappy magazines that you haven't read because you haven't felt like it.
• Still falling asleep and realizing that it's still only 4pm.

You have to find the great things about the sucky things (like being sick). And a day to take care of yourself is a day that usually can never go wrong.

C'mon Fox

Dear Fox Network,

Why are you being ridic lazy right now and not showing any new episodes of the Simpsons or Family Guy?

Oh wait. I thought it was 8pm and it was only 7:30, so I've been watching a re-run. Oops. Well this doesn't excuse Family Guy. This is ridic. What else am I supposed to watch on Sundays?

On a different note, this also applies to Comedy Central moving "Important Things With Demetri Martin." It was moved to like 12:30am instead of 10pm. Please pass my note of "this is just ridic" along to Comedy Central too.

Thanks cutie,
LaLosch

Is It Possible...

...to be THIS tired???
That's where I've been mostly the last month. I haven't been blogging like I normally do. I've been working alot though. And when I get home, I like to do a whole lot of nothing. Which right now includes not blogging and I feel absolutely WRETCHED about it. I miss you all. Hopefully in the next week I will dedicate myself more to writing. Until then, just know that I miss you and love you.

Smooches,
LaLosch

Pay It Forward

I'm a fan of "pay it forward."  I meant to share this a few nights ago, but oh well, I was too lazy to do it, so suck on THAT.

ManLosch and I went to a book reading/signing again on Saturday night. It was for the author Christopher McSuchandSuch who wrote "Born to Run." Now if you've read this far, you already know that LaLosch is and was NOT born to run and never will be. I can barely walk. So you already know that it was ManLosch's book about the white man running with tribes barefoot (EXACTLY). Okay, the book was a little more than that, but either way, the author was at the Harvard Bookstore so we went (let me also just say that this event was slightly hippie and when I say slightly hippie, I mean there were people who actually wore these to the events):

 

Anyway, by the time we got there, there weren't any seats left but right before it started, this woman walks up to me and says "My husband isn't here yet and I noticed you and your husband were here for awhile, would you like to sit next to me?" So of course I sat and right when I sat, her husband walks in. But she totally let me keep the seat. The reading wasn't half bad either; I nodded off a few times but otherwise stayed awake. When it came time for the book signing, we all got in line and the girl in front of us needed a piece of paper to get some information about some research foot doctor type of person and the author was going to write it in her book, but I ripped a sheet of paper out of my Moleskine (makes me white, I know), and said "Don't write in the book! Here, please take this sheet of paper." He looked at me and said "Wow, I'm so particular about ripping pages out of notebooks like that....that's awesome." Another girl noticed and helped a guy with his camera when he was trying to take a picture but realized the memory card was full. So she helped him figure it out.

I love small acts of kindness towards others. I know I can come across as harsh or one who rants and speaks my mind, but I'm a nice person. I'm a loving person. And one of the things I love the most are tiny acts of kindness towards others. So this week, when you go out, take the extra second and hold the door for someone. Let someone turn onto the major street they've been trying to for a few minutes. Give someone a hug just because (be careful at work..HR and shit). Just have fun and be nice. Let me know how it goes. ;-)

KEmoneysignHA

Unfortunately, I watched SNL last night with the ManLosch. Ryan Phillipe left alot to be desired and oh wait, let's not forget our guest performer, Ke$ha. I think the only thing I did while watching those dreadful performances was stare with my mouth open and maybe laugh at some point.

During the second performance, I turned to ManLosch and said, "Okay, imagine that an 80 year old indigenous tribe member somehow strayed from the group and wandered into the city, tripped on some acid, walked into Michael's for some glow-in-the-dark paint, and then proceeded to find a rave. Got that? Yea. Now take a look at SNL again."

Awful.

Bacon, You're Just Amazing

It's EXACTLY what it looks like.

Yes, it's a bacon tuxedo. OMG.

Yes.