The Adventures of Lenti Losch #4

This Lent, I feel has been uneventful. I haven't been drinking soda. Some days I've been ok and others I haven't.Since Sunday's are not considered part of Lent, I had an apple soda last Sunday. I only drank about half of it (and it wasn't Lift...it was Goya...and it wasn't very good). So I went back to iced tea. Maybe my overall indifference has been good for me. I don't know. It's still not helping with my complexion though, so I'm not happy with that. I ain't givin up soda for NOTHIN here.

I have also written one note. I'm SO behind on this and I'm going to push myself into high gear this weekend and write a few.

I'm going to an event tonight where I THINK small appetizers will be served and it might take everything in me to not try one, as I guarantee they won't be fish appetizers. Effin Fish Fridays.

Anyway, a little off topic, I did post a one or two line blog about the new look of the blog, but no one really responded (well not on here anyway). And I never gave credit to the person who helped me out with the header photo. It's a few pictures that I had taken myself and that he used to create the header with his art skillz, bowstaff skillz, and computer hacking skillz (thanks Napoleon). So thanks Craig, for helping me out. I'm officially pimping out his services for all your HTML and design needs, however, since I'm the one pimping, I do get a share of this. Feel free to check out his photos on Flickr, with the provided link (because how else would you know where to find his photos? Duh.).

Wait, WHAT?

I got this event invitation on Facebook (yea yea, I'm on Facebook, shut up). I couldn't NOT share this. 


Some people, no matter where you are, will invite you to events. Sometimes it's a club event, sometimes it's just something going on. Because they don't look to really see WHERE we all live, they invite their entire friend list. So I got invited to a garage sale in Miami for this Saturday. The proceeds go to a little girl who is trying out for "Little Miss Fashionette." The little girl's name? N'Maya. Mmmhmm.


What are they selling? Oh just the usual shit. Leather jackets, Coach purses, Laptops, Breast Pumps, Key-WAIT WHAT? Did I just say Breast Pumps????? WHO RE-SELLS A BREAST PUMP PEOPLE?! Isn't that...weird? Okay, look I ain't got no kids. Maybe this shit is acceptable. BUT, I can damn sure REASSURE you all that I would NEVER use someone else's overworked crusty breast pump.


That is all.

Power Up

To fully maximize my gym membership, I manned up and went to a yoga class tonight (yep..it's totally Monday...not my normal day, which means I'm awesome). It was Power Yoga. I came home first and then went back out. I got there 15 minutes early because there was no class before this one and I figured I would be able to get my space in the back.

WRONG.

This class was almost full at 7:15 and it didn't start until 7:30. So I took a spot on the side by the door. In walks the yoga instructor...buff Juan Marco Polo Sanchez the 18th. I dunno, but DAMN LADIES. He had this accent that sounded like "Eeeneejuan new to a-yoga? Eeeneejuan new to my claaaass?" I raised my hand for the class part. He smiled and said he would pay extra attention to me (holler). I mean, the poses weren't anything new, so I was ready to try something more intermediate to advanced. And these mothereffers weren't playin around. Juan Polo wore like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shoes.

I wanted to scream out "It's easy for you because you're buff times eight!!" but I didn't. Instead, I just got the workout of a lifetime (and the girl next to me? she totally farted while doing elevated knee to elbow crunches). Marco Juan came over and helped me a little too (shaaaa-WHHHAAAT?). All in all.....I actually liked it. Even though it was longer than usual at an hour and ten minutes as opposed to the fifty minutes, I really feel like I challenged my mind and body tonight.

Now back to the compress on my shoulders.....

We Takin' Over!!

• Me: (as "Precious" wins something)Do you see how they keep showing all the black people in attendance after someone wins for "Precious?".
• ManLosch: Haha! You're so awful. But yea.
• Me: (as Mo'Nique wins for "Precious") Now THAS' whats up! Black people are taking over the Oscars. Fuck yea!
• ManLosch: This coming from the girl reading "Martha Stewart: Living" while watching the Oscars..
• Me: Shut up. It was free. Hmpmh.

Sale at The Gap

OMG...so it's not so much a sale, but you will be doing a great thing while getting something great in the meantime!

The Gap is recycling old jeans! They don't have to be Gap jeans either. They can be ANNNNNY brand of jeans. You bring them in and you get 30% off your purchase of a new pair of jeans! You also get 35% off if you use your Gap card!! They use the recycled jeans for eco-friendly insulation on new houses.

You know you wanna go get you some new jeans while saving the planet. Mmmmhmmmm.

Oscar Nominated Animated Shorts

So after nearly strangling the taxi driver who didn't know where the ICA was....we made it to see the Oscar Nominated Animated Shorts. I saw the advertisement for it on Sunday when we were at the ICA, and I was interested because normally, you don't ever see these things. Because I'm not a very good reviewer, you will get the Lexi version of my review of each nominee:

French Roast: Eh. This one was about a guy who is in a coffee shop and he realizes he lost his wallet, so to avoid the bill, he just orders more coffee. Mmmmmmyeaaaaa. Wasn't that funny.

The Lady and The Reaper (La Dama y La Muerte): This one was real cute. An old lady is ready to die to meet her hubby in heaven. She actually dies and the reaper comes to get her, but she ends up in the hospital where the doctor saves her life. The cartoon is about the reaper and the doctor both fighting to get her soul. It's pretty awesome and funny.

Wallace and Gromit: A Matter of Loaf and Death: This was funny. This was the longest animated short (at roughly 30 minutes). Wallace falls in love with some psycho woman and Gromit saves him (that's pretty much it). It was funny. A liiiitle adult humor, but otherwise, nothing that made me get out of my seat to clap. This might win off of reputation alone. It's familiar. People are at least aware of the Wallace and Gromit animations, even if they've never seen them.

Granny O'Grimm's Sleeping Beauty: Now I loved this one. A little old grandmother tells her version of Sleeping Beauty to her grandchild. It's pretty hilarious.

Logorama: First, there was a warning it started about violence and adult language and situations. The warning was up there for like 10 minutes (Lexaggeration of course....oh yea, btw...that's my new word). Once it started though, I thought it was amazing. It was a great way to show how commercialism is killing off our society. BUT I could also understand why someone might think it's overkill. This is a possible winner I think.

Now I don't do predictions. I don't know what's going to win. But MY PERSONAL two faves were Logorama and Granny O'Grimm. Good stuff. It was a fun night last night.

The Adventures of Lenti Losch #3

Fuck, I just want a soda.

Barnes and Noble Can Kiss My Ass

I go to Barnes and Noble because I have a membership there. I placed something on hold, something to help me with my writing. When you place something on hold, you can pick it up in the store after they send you the confirmation email that they have it and it's ready.

So I placed something on reserve and this is what I received:

So heeeey bitches, I went to get my shit in Framingham the next day. They told me they reserved a copy in my name and they were holding it for me. I arrive, try to pick it up, and whaddaya know? It's the WRONG thing. So I say, "This isn't what I put on hold." I showed them that the hold paper THEY printed out and wrapped around the item didn't even match. She says, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Hold on while we go get the right thing." She disappears and returns a few minutes later to tell me THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY. How the fuck was I able to reserve it then, when it said it was in stock?? So she says, "The Burlington store has it. I'm so sorry. You can buy it there." ManLosch and I get in the car and drive to Burlington from Framingham. We get there and we ask the woman at the Customer Service desk for it (after we told her what happened); because she was 8/10th's retarded, it took her 10 minutes to actually find it in the system; she said they had it, she disappeared to get it, and came back and said they didn't have any.

WHHAAAAT?! I gave her the look of death and as I was walking out, she said, "I can order it for you..." I said, "No thanks."

I sent an email to Barnes and Noble because I was pissed off and it was very detailed about how I thought it was ridiculous that it said it was in stock, AND someone physically placed it on hold. They finally emailed me back, 5 days later.....

"Dear Alexis Losch,
Thank you for your email regarding the "Pick Me Up" feature on the
Barnes & Noble website.  Please accept our sincere apologies that your
experience was a disappointing one.  

Our website asks that our customers contact the store prior to their
visit to verify availability, as our inventory changes frequently.
Besides ensuring that the item can be reserved, the Bookseller can
immediately place the item at the register area, under your name, for
three business days.

We are always looking for ways to enhance customer service in our
stores, and we assure you that we will keep your feedback in mind as we
review the services they provide.

We value your patronage and hope to see you in our stores again soon.


Sincerely,

Enchantia "

Please check the second paragraph. They ask that I call the store prior to picking it up to ensure its availability. ISN'T THAT WHAT PLACING IT ON HOLD IS FOR?! So I place it on hold and I wait for an email. I got the email which means a person physically went to grab what I wanted/what I reserved, printed the paper, and wrapped the paper around the box with a rubber band. Which means that I shouldn't have to call beforehand...because an actual person...put it...on...hold. Right. And the best part? Her name is ENCHANTIA. WHO THE FUCK?! This is how I know this is some bullshit. Thanks Enchantia for your not so accurate email.

Thanks Barnes and Noble. You can take your "Pick Me Up" feature and shove it up Enchantia's enchanted ass.

Bitches!!!!

STOP CLAPPING AT THE END OF YOGA!!!!!!
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

The Hour of My Discontent

I had an ATROCIOUS day today. Atrocious is light too. Whatever is worse than atrocious is what my day was today.

So I got home today, spouting alot of obscenities and realized that I needed to do something to take my mind off the day. I decided to do an activity I found on one of my favorite websites Soul Pancake. The activity is to take a page from a newspaper, magazine, or book (or book you wish you never read) and find a poem in it. You're basically crossing out lines until you find what you're looking for. Here is what mine looked like:

Here is the poem that I found in this article:

In the upcoming scenes

There are heartbreaking questions about creative exploitation

You were interesting, actually

Tricky, involved, a narcissist

I wasn't happy.

Hyper-aware about one person's perspective

Playing became performing;

it's our story.

Central to playing ourselves, monogamy overcoming emotions

Spoken, articulate, too pretentious

Torture was so damaging.

Plain Perspective

Today, I dragged ManLosch to the ICA today (Institute of Contemporary Art) in downtown Boston. I heart this place.

So anyway, the exhibits are pretty much mostly on the 4th floor, where you see those lights in the window in the picture above. And if you stand there and look out the window, you can see Charlestown and Logan Int'l Airport. Why is this important? Well because I'll admit now: While I have a ton of mixed emotions about flying, I LOVE watching planes take off and land. Maybe it's the rhythmic orchestration of it all. Maybe I see it as an art form itself.

I like to play this game too when I watch planes take off. I like to guess what a random person in a random seat is doing while taking off, or while in the air. So as I was leaving one exhibit, I stopped to watch a plane take off. ManLosch asked me why I was stopping and I pointed. So I said, "17C...the women is dying for a cigarette and since she's an addict, she's chewing Nicorette and nervously picking at her cuticles. The man next to her is reading a newspaper and wondering why she's picking her cuticles but won't ask her. Your turn." He says, "All of that, but there's a baby in the back of the plane crying. Because there's always a crying baby on a plane." I said, "That's not very imaginative. C'mon be original. You aren't fascinated that when you look out and see a plane taking off, it looks smaller than what it is, but it's got 150-200 people on it all doing different things?" He says, "Not really. I'm more fascinated with how they get that thing in the air."

So now I've come to the point of my entry tonight. Perspective. We're looking at the same exact thing, but we see two completely different things. Because ManLosch is for all intents and purposes, an architect, he sees things structurally and he sees things that need to have an equation for them to make sense. I see a bunch of random shit in random colors and make up random stories about most of what I see. It's just amazing when you have those moments when you realize just how different you are from others. And all it took was an airplane.

What about you? What do you think about/see when you see a plane taking off?

Flickr Photo Project

One blog that I follow posts photo projects every now and then. This month, she posted a photo project where she gave a list of words or phrases and we were left to our own devices to snap shots of what we thought it represented. This was the first time I participated in a project like this and I enjoyed it alot! Check out my 26 things below, and feel free to always check my photos at Flickr.

Train In Vain

I had a half day at work today. I took the afternoon off and went downtown to get my hair done (look, my hairdresser was all booked up tomorrow doing some whore's weave). I took advantage of this opportunity to go to write at Grub Street, since they aren't open on the weekends. After I got my hair done, I went to Grub Street, did some internetting and some writing, and left about 15 minutes before they closed.

In order to get home, I have to take the train. I got on the train and all of a sudden I heard a boombox and some clapping. There were two black guys getting ready to do some train dancing, which is something I really only ever see when I'm home in NY. One says, "Welcome to the show, 'Dancing on a Moving Train.' Please, if you like what you see let us know. Dig deep, don't be cheap."

First of all, you need to come up with a better title for your "show." You really thought I'd watch you with "Dancing on a Moving Train??" Fuck you buddy.

Second, your sayings weren't that clever. "Dig deep, don't be cheap" and "If you liked the show, let a black man know" did not make me want to give you money. At all. It didn't sound smart, it sounded stupid.

Third, and last, YOU DIDN'T EVEN DANCE! You did a few shuffles in a circle, you moved your beanie hat around, and you then decided to do some FLIPS in the aisle of the train (and train aisles aren't that wide on the MBTA...in fact usually they aren't that wide in America). You shuffled for about 2 minutes TOTAL and hustled some people out of money?? Well, in all honesty, that makes you smart and everyone else stupid, but still. At least produce a quality show next time and I may decide to glance up from my corner priority seat and my book to let a black man know that I appreciate his efforts.

The Adventures of Lenti Losch #2

1 week down from Lent. This is probably the first time I've not lashed out on anyone from severe caffeine deficiency. I mean, I drink coffee, but there's nothing like a cold soda straight from the fridge....yea I'm an addict. I have been experiencing a few more headaches lately (which does happen when I go all cold turkey from the cool, crisp taste of a can of Pepsi...drooool).

I haven't written any of my notes yet either. I've been very busy trying to write this contest entry for Grub Street. It's finally done. And even as I sit here, I'm staring at my email, a little afraid to send it. I am a little proud of myself, so I'm hoping this is motivating enough to get writing a whole lot more.

On to Fish Friday's now...

New Lost Theory!!

ManLosch and I got into a conversation during a commercial last night for "Lost." I think we've come up with the best theory so far to explain the show.

• Me: Man I used to love watching Muppet Babies. That cartoon was so fuckin' stupid though.
• ManLosch: Nuh uh, it was just little muppets. Baby muppets. Muppet Babies. I used to watch it.
• Me: I used to hate that we could never see the grandmother, was her name Nana?
• ManLosch: Yea. It's like Charlie Brown too; how we could never see the adults? I thought they were cool, always going on little adventures in the closet and stuff.
• Me: That was just stupid. Gonzo was stupid though, with that nose. He always was doing shit on his own, thinking he could be the boss.
• ManLosch: Oh man...Gonzo is like Sawyer!!
• Me: Whaaaaat?
• ManLosch: Yea! Sawyer is always on his own, exploring things, like a rebel. And Kermit is like Jack. Kermit is the leader, kinda quiet, but he kinda just became the leader.
• Me: So are you saying that Ms. Piggy is Kate?! I don't see Ms. Piggy carrying a gun around getting arrested.
• ManLosch: Well both Gonzo and Kermit wanna jump those piggy bones.
• Me: Good point. Rolph would be Charlie. And who would be Hurley then?
• ManLosch: C'mon Lex. FOZZIE BEAR. C'monnnnnn.
• Me: OMG you're awful Ry. Awful. But it's sooo true. So do you think Animal would be like Ben? Just ruthless, letting his own kid get shot?
• ManLosch: Or the Smoke Monster.
• Me: Maybe this is it Ryan. Maybe we've figured out the secret to Lost. Maybe....
• ManLosch: The Muppet Babies ARE Lost? That when they go into the closet to play, they are really on the island?
• Me: YES! Because when they emerge from the closet, it was all just fake anyway. So this is all a dream. A Muppet Babies play area.
• ManLosch: I think people would be pissed to find out that all this time, we were watching some muppets.
• Me: Ehhh....I think people are already pissed. We want answers. And the Muppet Babies theory is about the best one so far.

LoschDog Is Mucho Musical

So for those that DON'T know, ManLosch and I met in college. And we met in marching band (ok go on...laugh and make your band geek jokes now...I'll wait.......finished?). So for the most part, we're REAL music nerds. So much that we named the tables at our wedding after instruments found in the marching band....and the fight song was played at our wedding..and our programs..ok. Let me just stop now. So the conversation below shouldn't be a surprise to you...(and I can explain it later if you don't get it)

• ManLosch: Jordan, slow down, damn.
• Me: He's thirsty, leave him.
• ManLosch: But that's why he dribbles all over the carpet.
• Me: Do you hear that though?
• ManLosch: Hear what? No?
• Me: Our pup drinks in triplets! 1,2,3,1,2,3 lap,lap, lap, drink, drink, drink.
• ManLosch: HA! He does. You nerd.
• Me: Trip-a-let, Trip-a-let, Trip-a-let....(smiles)

Girl, you WRONG

Look, I know you're all going to think I'm wrong after telling this story, but shit, it is what it is.

So I walked into the ladies room this morning to tinkle. I was in a little bit of a daze. I opened the door, and when you walk into the ladies room, the first thing you really see is the door/opening to the handicapped stall. I looked and saw these frumpy looking black shoes/sneakers and they were quite large.

So I nearly shit myself and almost said out loud "SHIT, did I fuckin walk into the men's room?!" Considering I was in a daze, I really thought I did and almost said "Oh my God, I'm so sorry." But then a woman totally walked out of the stall, looking like she just left Middle Earth. I wanted to sit her down and say "Please let me brush your hair sistagirl and give you some Keds or something."

I'm not the queen of fashion here, but when I walk into the ladies room and think I walked into the men's room???? C'mon. C'MON.

Baby It's (Not) Cold Outside

I don't know if Boston is experiencing a warmer winter or what, but it reached about 50 degrees today at some point. It was so nice that ManLosch and I decided to leave the confines of the apartment and venture the mean downtown streets of Boston (okay, not that mean).  Didn't really have any plans but to walk around and take some pictures, be lazy...the USUAL.

Why did I see all these motherfuckers in shorts, t-shirts, and flip flops????? SOMEWHERE NOT EVERYWHERE, it reached 50, and I'm sure it didn't last. For the most part today, it was in the 40's. Which means, it's still winter. Which means you should be dressed appropriately. So why did we see some whore draggin' her raggedy ass toes in cheap flip flops down Newbury Street? We also saw a group of Latino men walk into a Chipotle in shorts and t-shirts. ManLosch says "I bet $5 they just came from playing soccer. They're actually dressed for it." I said, "No. I bet $100 they DIDN'T come from playing soccer, but that they want you to BELIEVE they just came from playing soccer as an excuse to dress that way in public." ManLosch laughed, but then nodded in defeat because he knew I was probably right.

Look, I know that it's nice to have warmer weather when we all have to bundle up everyday. But it's still not cool to act like it's summertime outside. We live in Boston. And it's February. Please act like it.

Damn Delta Miles

So apparently Delta Airlines threatened me; well not really. I had all these miles I hadn't used and they were about to expire. So I was given the option of keeping the miles by essentially PURCHASING a safeguard for them (um, didn't I do that when I bought the tickets?!) OR getting a shit ton of magazine subscriptions.

If you know me, you know what I did.

Yep. Magazine subscriptions. I did this weeks ago, so of course, I don't remember what I used my miles for, but because I had a decent amount of miles, I got a few subscriptions. So imagine my surprise, since I didn't remember what I checked off, when "Martha Stewart Living" arrived 2 days ago. I'm like, "Oh cool! This is the best way to explore magazines I would have never thought to check out." But today I got "Arthur Frommers: Budget Travel." So my guess is that I may have been drinking when I did these selections, because I distinctly remember being disappointed that porno magazines were NOT an option here.

Ahhh well. Back to learning how to tend to my non-existent garden.

The Adventures of Lenti Losch #1

It's a bird!
It's a plane!

No bitches, it's just me. Welcome to my weekly update on Lent!

First things first: I am not the poster child for all things Catholic and Lent. I feel like ashes on the forehead on a WEDNESDAY mind you, shouldn't be cause to look at me strange and point and say "Uh...you got...wait, uh...." for me to then respond and sigh for the millionth time, "It's Ash Wednesday."  Also, the joke about "You got a little dirt/smudge/shit on your forehead there.." is not funny anymore. I am not the walking PSA for reminding you that you should have gone to Mass. If you didn't even remember it was Ash Wednesday on your own, I can't help you kid. You're on your own...WITHOUT my ashes.

So hey there! Lent. 40 days of sacrifice. 40 days of self-reflection. After this morning's Mass and a good talk with a good friend, I realized that I have ALOT to think about and work on. In addition to some heavy self reflection and meditation, I'm giving up soda. I am also taking on a task! This is new for me. I am going to write 40 notes to 40 different people to tell them something good about themselves. It can be on a Post-It, a letter, anything. Just something to make someone smile. It can be a stranger, family, or a friend. Obviously I expect NOTHING in return, but this is meant for me to notice people more. To notice all the great things about the people that I surround myself with.

Anyway, it's been an exhausting day and it's time for me to relax. 39 days to go guys! Woot!