These Days.....

"....I wish I was 6 again
Oh make me a red cape
I wanna be Superman..."

I was reminiscing a little today about college, and remembered how much we used to jam to John Mayer (yea yea). One of my absolute favorite songs is called "1983" where he sings about wishing his life was more like it was in 1983. So I posted a song lyric and mi amigo C.Jones responded to it. We started talking about the song and he said "I wish I could go back to about 1995 and do it all over, but knowing what I know now so I could do it right."

Ain't that the damn truth?! We started throwing out scenarios, things we wish we could go back and change. So things I wish I could go back and change?

I wish I wouldn't have worn those baby pink patent leather high heels with the maroon tights, maroon skirt, and baby pink sweater set in 1995. No one warned me about the possible danger.

I wish I would have learned to play the drums. I could have dated myself.

I wish I would have paid attention in Mr. Caicedo's Global History class instead of sitting in the back eating Airheads all of 3rd period.

I wish I would have made threats to run away from home sooner so my parents would have gotten divorced before (I only would have gone down the block or something to my aunt's house).

I wish I would have gone to the prom with that kid David who was a senior when I was a freshman, but I lied to him and told him my name was Ayana on my first day of school.

I wish I wouldn't have "dated" that kid Patrick. Because we never really dated. But he kinda broke up with me by not returning my one phone call. That was a waste of a few weeks and a summer of writing letters from Florida.

I wish I wouldn't have skipped AP Calculus....well.....yea, no, I wish I would have actually just dropped it.

I wish I got to use all the cool kinds of toothpaste kids got to use. I just used adult Crest or some shit like that. I always wanted to use the Sesame Street toothpaste.

I wish I would have worn jeans that actually fit my body instead of hiding it in baggy jeans.

I wish I would have kept those tape cassettes that my best friend Zoe and I used to make back in 8th grade in her room. We used to sing, tell stories, and talk about people. Then we'd go out walking thinking we were cool.

I wish I would have kicked Rudi Szentimery's (total spell check) ass for calling me a "puta" on the corner of High Street and William Street on the walk home from school. Instead, he apologized profusely later and I ignored him. I was not the LaLosch then that I am today.


I know there are alot more things. It's funny to sit here and think back about things I'd change, if I knew then what I know now. But I don't want to bore you, so if this got YOU to reminisce about your own stories, share them! Because then we can sit here, laugh, and then have that awkward silence right after the laugh because you realize there's nothing you can do about it now. But I'd TOTALLY rock those baby pink patent leather heels now. Screw YOU 8th graders of Franko Middle School. I was just ahead of my time.

So Over It

I've realized today, that not only am I completely over September, and maybe even October before it starts, but that I'm also over 2009. Do you hear that 2009? I'm over you.

Impatiently waiting for 2010. And this time, it's going to go the way LaLosch wants it to go. In the words of my homie from the block Trick Daddy, "Let's go."

Booyah.

Not So Busy

I recently bought a Purina "Busy Bone" for the LoschDog. He loves chewing, surprisingly he doesn't chew on clothes or shoes or anything. But he loves rawhide and love bones. So the bag said "Fun Twisted Shape with meaty middle." It pointed to the outside part and said "Play Time!" and the meaty inside had an arrow and it said "Reward Time!" So the ManLosch and I get back from picking the pooch up from the PetsHotel after the weekend away, and I decided to give him a treat. He gladly accepted it and Ryan looked at the time.

Exactly 4 minutes later, Jordan was no longer busy. He finished the bone. So I decided to send an email to Purina, telling them exactly what happened:

"I recently bought a "Busy Bone" for my dog. Because of the name and because it said the outside of the bone provided "play time" and the inside "reward time," I bought it, knowing my dog would love it. He did love it. He loved it in 4 minutes flat, which in fact, did NOT keep him busy. Any other Purina product suggestions for an aggressive chewer such as mine?"

The next screen that came up informed me that a team member would answer my email as soon as possible. Riiiiiight. I just want to know why it's called "Busy Bone." It clearly did not keep my dog busy. There was no play time or reward time. It was just 4 minutes. 4 minute Bone. So I want some answers. Pretty soon.

Stay tuned.
Woof.

SVMO II: Attack of the Chuckles

So I had a run-in with the vending machine dude finally at work. On Monday, I was in the kitchen warming up my peanut butter sandwich to have before lunch (yea, shut up), and the vending machine guy walks in with his cart o' goodies. So I said "You know, you don't have to refill the Chuckles. No one eats the Chuckles."

Do you know what this 'tard said to me? "Wanna bet?" First, why the hell would you bet anyone on Chuckles? Second, if I said no one eats the Chuckles, I effin meant that no one eats the damn Chuckles. So I said "No not really. They just sit there. Look at all your snacks! We'd prefer 2 rows of fruit snacks over the Chuckles." He didn't say anything. He just proceeded to fill up the vending machine.

Wtf buddy?? I asked nicely. Why do we have 2 rows of Sour Cream and Chive crackers in our machine anyway? Right, no one eats them. So why can't we have 2 rows of something I actually suggest? It's ON vending machine douche. We're going to boycott the Chuckles until they are gross and stale and turn into Jawbreakers. You may have won this battle buddy guy, but you will not win the war. It's SO on.

Things Lexi Can Do Without

I've decided to start a column, maybe weekly, or maybe when I just feel like posting, about things that I can do without. Things that happen to come across my day or desk or my LIFE that I'd prefer just found their way into the trash, in space, or maybe never existed at all. Today, I had a few of those encounters, but let me share one with you now.

#1
"Peace Be With You" during Catholic Mass
Don't get me wrong. I like Mass. Ok, let me take that back. I like going to Mass for the chance to see how messed up other people are, which COMPLETELY defeats the purpose of going to Mass. ManLosch is Catholic and a little more devout than I am (I took the adult religious ed classes a few years ago to actually just acquire an organized religion for the first time in my life). He goes every Sunday and I go every Sunday that I can wake up without feeling groggy. Anyway, I digress. So you know the part during Mass where you're supposed to turn to your neighbor and "offer them a sign of peace?" You shake their hands, some people hug and say "Peace Be With You" or just "Peace." Some people even go so far as having conversations.

Yea, I HATE this part. I told this to ManLosch one day and he said "What? You don't like offering people peace?" And it's not that. I DO wish peace upon people. So why do I need to vocalize it? Why can't I just keep it to myself? Better yet, since we're supposed to be believing in a higher power, why can't you just TRUST me that I worked it out with Jesus up there to wish you and yours a sign of peace? Do you really need me to shake your hand and awkwardly smile? Especially you, with the hand that I KNOW just changed the diaper or wiped your kid's saliva ridden mouth. Ew.

Know what else I can do without? When some churches make you turn around right before Mass starts just to say "Hi" to your neighbor. What is with the double "Peace Be With You?" I don't think so. You're going to have to choose when you want me to say what's up and wish you peace. It's not happening twice. Especially if your kid just kicked the back of my foot while I was trying to pray peacefully before Mass. You can actually expect NO peace-wishing for you. Maybe just a piece of my foot up your........

Yea.

Are We Breaking Up? Part 2

Dear Comcast,

I'm sorry it had to be this way, but it's just not working out anymore. Yes, ManLosch and LaLosch are moving on from you. It's time. I'm going to need you to calmly take back your DVR and your Cable HD Box and move on out of our lives. I think we need a break.

No...please. Stop. Get your vile prices off of us. It wasn't meant to be. Can't you see that? We've matured and realized that our bank accounts have not. And you aren't willing to compromise with us anymore. What?.....Yes. It's not even close to us. It's definitely all you. You suck at life. What's that?......Why do you need to know if it's someone else? That's none of your business. Can't you see it's just not working out between us anymore? Okay fine. Yes, there IS someone else. It's name is Verizon FiOS and they are offering us better prices, supposed faster internet service, and a few more HD channels. It's for the best right now. They are willing to work with us and they are giving us a few free months of HBO and Showtime too. You gave us shitty "Starz." Who the hell watches Starz anyway?! Right. No one.

We can set up a time for you to come pick up your things, but let's make this as pain free and easy as possible. We all knew this was coming. You can't be surprised. Excuse me? Did you just call me a b*tch? That's alright. You're just angry. Take your boxes and be gone. It's over. Like, REALLY OVER.

Yours in Christ,
The Loschs

Busy Lady

So I've been on the move this week. I've occupied my brain (maybe too much) with something to do every night so far. And those that keep up with my life outside of my blog know that I've been having trouble sleeping for the last few weeks. So let's hope that changes soon!
Enough of that.....

Monday night, ManLosch and I went to see a documentary called "We Live in Public."If you ever need to be reminded of how UN-private your life is, go see it. It was REALLY good, about this dude named Josh Harris. This dude is F*CKED up. I mean, royally. I don't even want to say in a good way; just the way he viewed humans, just another "experimental rat" in his restless tirade of ideas. Ugh. But damn. It was good. Very good. Sparked some good conversation between ManLosch and I.

Tuesday night, I branched out and tried a different yoga class. I went to Yoga Sculpt. And the instructor was actually a sub for the regular woman. His name is Skylar. And he........was.......hot. Okay, sorry. I was a little distracted by the hotness, but I did concentrate on the workout. It's pretty intense. Almost a little TOO intense for me. But my co-worker informed me that the normal class isn't as intense, which is good. So I think I will try it next Tuesday. And I GUESS it's ok to to tell everyone now, that I have a yoga friend! We met at the regular Wednesday night class and we bonded in the locker room about how we hated partnering up in that class. So we agreed to try out the Tuesday class, exchanged emails, and it actually worked! So we went and we both liked it, so we even talked about trying weekend classes too. Yay for yoga friends. :)

I still went to my regular Wednesday night class tonight and I'm ready to freakin punch a pony. STOP PARTNERING US UP PLEASE! Yoga isn't about partnering. Srsly. Ugh. Not to mention I barely had enough energy tonight to even do Savasana. Anyway....

Back to watching "Glee." :-)

Leno Lockdown

Aaaahaha, Kanye on Leno. CMON! Kanye, damn man. You makin' me get ghetto on you right now. Okay, okay.

Look, Kanye, what you did to Taylor Swift was AWFUL. I don't really like her or her songs (they ALL sound the same), and yea, I might have rooted for Beyoncé too because I just like her, but DAMN MAN. You keep taking steps back for black folk. I promise you, people of the Caucasian persuasion, we don't all interrupt people accepting awards at high profile events.

You kinda apologized on Leno, but dammmmmmmmit MAN, you sounded retarded. Like you were stumbling on an apology. Too many outbursts dude. You can be a celebrity and still do good for other people you know. It IS possible to control those outbursts of egotistical rage.

Rant over.

Moral: Step it up Kanye. Stop your maniacal madness.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Today, I volunteered at a University of Miami Info-Session here in the Beantown area. ManLosch also volunteered, so NATURALLY, we went together. I found out who would be conducting the session and before we left the house, I said to ManLosch "$10 he doesn't remember who I am."
Wanna know why I said that? Because I worked in the Admission Office there for 2 years, then worked in the College of Engineering Admissions Office with links to the general Admission office for one year before we moved up to Boston. So, the point was, the dude who was running the session, should have NO DOUBT remembered who I was. ManLosch even said "Yea right. He'll remember. Stop. You should have more faith in people."

So we get to the hotel, we are helping to check parents and kids in, and there he is. Let's call him "Jimbo Jones." So Jimbo finally sees us and walks over. He sticks out his hand for a handshake to me and says "Hey, Jimbo Jones....." I TOTALLY shook it too because I wanted Ryan to see this and drink it in. I wanted to see exactly how long it was going to take Jimbo to recognize me. Then he looked at Ryan and looked at me again and said "Wait a minute....." Then he laughed. So with all the "Where do you guys live now?" and "How are you guys, wow it's been 2 years huh?", he walked inside the meeting room. I kicked my legs in the air Superbad style and said "PAY UP!!!!!!" Ryan pulled out $10 and I told him "Well, just buy me dinner instead."

Here is what makes this even worse. I put together the student recruitment video while I was working there with my mentor, Nikki. We worked on it for 12 hour days sometimes. And MANLOSCH IS EVEN IN THE VIDEO. YES. My husband's face shows up everytime an admissions officer plays that video, which is MULTIPLE times a day sometimes. That recruitment video was supposed to be Jimbo's project, but it got dumped on me and Nikki. All that.....and he shook my hand. Eh, at least dinner was good. :-)

addendum: text conversation between me and Nikki
me:Hey Nikki, so I'm doing the UM Info Session. And I bet Ryan $10 that Jimbo wouldn't remember who I was. Aahaha. Guess who won?
nikki: Noooooooo
nikki: Like didn't remember name or anything?
me: He stuck his hand out to me and said "Jimbo Jones." I almost shit my pants. Then he looked at me and Ryan and was like "wait a minute.."
nikki: LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dry Heave Donuts

I had to work the early shift this morning at work (um, I still am, but needed to express my true disgust before continuing on with the day) so I decided to grab a few Munchkins at Dunkin' Donuts to enjoy with my mid-morning coffee.

On my way out the door, this guy stops at the door and begins dry heaving. He looked a little like this:
This is before 7am, mind you. He's dry heaving and then spits up a little at the door......

AND WALKS OUT.

The guy waiting for his breakfast sandwich is frozen, staring at the guy, unable to move because he was pretty much thinking the same thing I was, which was "Whaaaaaaat just happened? And why did he walk out and leave his %#&# at the door of a food establishment?"

I hopped over the mat and walked out the door. Will I still enjoy my Munchkins today? Hell yea. Because I paid for them and I'm going to eat them. But if I see that guy again, buddy, I swear I'm going to grab your neck and force your face down to the mat to clean it up with a napkin attached to your tongue.

Get it together.

It's Great..To Be..A Miami Hurricane!

HOLY SH*$!!!!!

I'm dedicating my 100th blog post to my Canes. Just beat FSU, and it was a battle. If I stayed awake for the whole game, then yea, it was an AMAZING game.

FSU? Yea, go put it somewhere. We needed this win. Whatchu' know 'bout them Miami boys, Hurricane, Ballin Boys?!

It's all about the U.

(stay tuned for your regularly scheduled blog)

Stuff Lexi Likes #2

And my list of things I like out of the "Stuff White People Like" book continues...stay tuned, because people...we WILL find out just how white I am.

#25 Manhattan (And Now Brooklyn Too!)
This is a little unfair only because I grew up too close to NYC to NOT love Manhattan. I practically lived there, so yea. This one is a given. I will ALWAYS love NY. Take that and put it in your "cawfee."

#33 Marijuana
Right. Nuff said.

#36 Brunch
I EFFIN LOVE BRUNCH. OMG, I LOVE BRUNCH. Stop the madness and pass me a mimosa please. Or like 5 mimosas. It's the perfect blend after you've been out all night drinking your liver down the tube and you wake up feeling like crap. You say to yourself "Dang homie, it's already 11:30am. I could totes eat some breakfast, but damn that roast beef is lookin fine too." Enter brunch. The perfect union of eggs, bacon, crab legs, alcohol to ease the pain of the previous nights alcohol, rice, shrimp, and sandwiches. Maybe some fruit. Damn. Lovin it.

#42 Sushi
Yum. Sorry. So good. I love sushi. Especially that Ebi Mango sushi me and ManLosch had about a week ago. Well the sushi ManLosch ordered and that I practically inhaled.

#53 Dogs
According to the book, in the white culture, dogs are considered training before having children. Hell yea! Because I've had LoschDog for over 5 years now and still no kid. So guess where MY brain is? Yea, on going to brunch.

Our Clearance Puppy

Saturday, while at Target, we bought "Marley and Me." We saw the movie when it came out in the theater and we noticed that it was on sale on Blu-Ray yesterday. So why NOT buy it? We love dogs and we loved the movie. Even ManLosch couldn't hold back the tears when we first saw it.

So we watched it last night, me enjoying my recliner and Ryan actually enjoying the fact that he can stretch out on the regular couch. While we were watching it and laughing at all of the things Marley got into, I realized that I was laughing because Jordan (LoschDog) has done alot of things in his time growing into the little 5 year old terror that he is. Now don't get me wrong, he has calmed down ALOT in his 5 1/2 years. According to those that just meet him though, he's f*$%in crazy. Jordan has had his fair share of mishaps and Marley moments and I'd like to share them with you. Not all of them, maybe a few every now and then. And hopefully, LoschDog isn't the 2nd World's Worst Dog.

Jordan has eaten drywall. I repeat, he HAS eaten drywall. We placed him in the kitchen in Miami when we were testing his ability to be out of the cage while we were gone. Well apparently, he didn't like open space and not knowing where we were, so he decided to chew a nice big hole in the kitchen wall. We returned home to clumps of drywall that had been eaten, regurgitated, and possibly eaten again. Ryan patched that hole up nicely.

Jordan also used to love chewing on the baseboards of walls. I caught him on the morning of my undergrad graduation, barely even 3 months old then. He was chewing at the baseboard like it was gourmet kibble. I yelled out "JORDAN!" and he quickly looked up and walked away with the look on his face that said "What? I didn't do anything." He also had all of the white paint around his nose, sooo yea. It looked like he had done EXACTLY what you think he could have been doing if he was human.

Jordan used to hate the UPS man for some reason. We could NEVER figure out why. Anytime he rang our doorbell, Jordan would go into a fit of canine rage and honestly try to either eat, mangle, or maybe just scare off the UPS man. Maybe he didn't like brown. Because he was fine with USPS.

Jordan has eaten a roll of toilet paper before.

Jordan has swallowed chicken wings whole. Usually at SuperBowl parties.


The joys of being a dog owner. I actually wouldn't give it up for the world. :)

LaLosch becomes ManLosch

I promise that I haven't completely turned into a man, but um, I totally bought Irish Spring today and am loving the way it makes me feel so fresh AND so clean (thanks Outkast!).

I have also fallen in love this weekend......with this baby:

I am the proud owner of this recliner now. My pony punching co-worker Jared (also known as "j" in some of my posts) gave this to me for FREE since he's moving. It's been a lifelong dream of mine to own a recliner, and so I begged ManLosch if I could have it. He hesitated and I said loudly "IT'S FREEEEEEEE." He was still hesitant but gave in. He absolutely hates recliners (which to me is against a cardinal man law or something). I even offered a trial period, and if it didn't work out, we could easily just bring it to Salvation Army.

Well folks, I think it's working out. I'm writing this blog WHILE IN the recliner. And I'm reclined too. And I'm happy. This may just be the honeymoon period, but who knows what's in store for me and the recliner? This is just the beginning.

Another Losch Pointless Discussion

So I asked ManLosch a question yesterday during breakfast about citizenship. Here was the conversation that took place:

me: "So, let's think hypothetically ok? Let's say a kid was born in Antarctica. What would his/her citizenship be?"
manlosch: "That wouldn't happen."
me: "Did you not hear me say HYPOTHETICAL?"
manlosch: "Yeah but that still can't happen. They won't allow it."
me: "Who is 'they'?"
manlosch: "I dunno. Hospitals and law enforcement and important people."
me: "But just think hypothetically for a minute. Let's say it was for research. And a researcher and her husband got it on and she got pregnant. And she gave birth while on Antarctica. Would the kid's citizenship default to the parents?"
manlosch: "No." (Then he told me something about John McCain and where he was born and how something something something Darkside, I don't quite remember)
me: "But why can't the kid be Antarctican?"
manlosch: "That's not even real."
me: "So he'd be American?"
manlosch: "No, he'd be Czechoslovakian."

Sometimes it takes awhile, but I can get ManLosch engaged in some pretty pointless discussions with me. :)

Dinos in Disguise

I had a dream last night. I'm about to share with you the dream I had. And when I share this dream with you, DO NOT LAUGH LIKE MANLOSCH DID IN THE CAR.

So I totally dreamt that I was in the 3rd Transformers movie. It was "Transformers 3: Return of Jurassic Park." So yea. "Jurassic Park" essentially found it's way into the "Transformers" movie and there were alot of explosions, ripped tank tops, and guns. I was the Shia LaFluff (except totally looking like Megan Fox) in the movie. This is why dreams are great. I got to have the body of Megan Fox. Score.

I got to drive Bumblebee and the LoschDog was my sidekick. And we drove around town shooting bad dinosaurs and kickin' ass against T-Rex. LoschDog was actually really bright and would hand me my weapons and bullets and shit. Then Optimus Prime came out of nowhere and we started kicking ass like we were best friends from around the way. T-Rex trying to bite my arm off? That would be one swift Optimus Prime punch to the dino face. Booyah.

So I tell ManLosch my dream right? And he busted out laughing in the car. I told him to stop, that I really had this dream, and it was really really cool at the time. I said "You know what? My dream had all the elements of a Michael Bay movie. Just you wait. WAIT." He laughed some more at the ridic-ness of it. Fastfoward to dinner; we had one of his friends over to hang out. We're enjoying my awesome brisket and I decided to tell ManLoschFriend about my dream. And guess what?

He thinks it's an AWESOME idea.

You hear that Michael Bay? I just came up with your next movie. And it was easy. You can pair up with Spielberg again and hire me to play the hot chick who knows how to punch ponies and kick ass.

You can just write that check out to "LaLosch" Mike. Thanks.

The Name Game

I went to get breakfast at Panera this morning because I worked the early shift at work, in addition to my normal hours. 7am is too early to really eat breakfast I think, so I walked over to get a breakfast sammie at about 8:30am.

I gave the woman my order. She asked for my name. I said "Alexis."
(I never give Lexi because I can only IMAGINE how they would butcher up the spelling of that)

She said "Uh, I'm just going to put 'Alex' ok?"

B*$ch did I SAY my name was Alex? If I wanted my friends and family to think I crossed over to being a male, then yes, Alex would have been MORE than appropriate. Why can't you add the extra two letters? Do 2 extra letters cost more money? Would I get taxed more? Would I get less cheese on my sandwich because of the extra effort of adding the "-is" to my name? Would you expire and fall onto the cash register because you punched in two more letters?

Panera, PLEASE. Everytime I go there anyway and give you Alexis, you come up with these doozies:
Alexes
Lexis
Elexis
Aleces
Lexus
Alexia
Alexys
And there have been others.

Stop the madness. Srsly.

Lexi's Adventures

Ok, I have SO many things I'd love to update you on, and I'm not sure if I should go chronologically, but I'm just going to be a little random and first tell you about my gym adventures today:

So this month, you can bring a friend for free on Wednesdays and ManLosch came with me to the gym tonight. Drumroll please.......he came to yoga! Usually there are more guys there, but for some reason the class was small today. The Chippy was there but Douchey Derrick was not. I wanted ManLosch to see the exchanges between them but its ok. The Chippy brought a free friend too. No big. So the instructor Nina says "I want to make an effort to learn the regulars' names, so..." Then she points to me and says "I see you alot, every week, in the back, right? What's your name?" I said "Lexi." She said "Ohhh, that's nice. Like Lexington?"

WTF?!?!?!???! LEXINGTON?!!

I said "No, it's short for Alexis. But I prefer Lexi." She said "Oh, that's nice. Oh, and who is sitting next to you?" I said "It's my husband. Free friend." She seemed very excited that there were 2 free friends in her class that day. But I secretly cursed myself because NOW THE CHIPPY KNOWS MY NAME! And she knows I'm married. Therefore, she already knows too much about me, and will now share that information with ElDouche when he returns. Grrr....Either way, Ryan said he liked yoga ok. He might have liked it more if he knew what the poses and stuff were, but said he was sure he'd like the 2nd or 3rd class more. I don't think he'll come next week, but he mentioned playing basketball if he could come with me. Boys.

So anyway, as most of you know, I've been back and forth alot the last 2 weeks. Unfortunately, there were two deaths; one on Ryan's side and one on mine. Chicago and then New York in 2 weeks with a little Boston in between is a little tiring, but it's family. And we love our families. On our flight back to Boston, of course it was delayed and some guy was yelling about the delay to the point of a flight attendant telling him that they would keep him off the flight. Then as we boarded and pulled away from the gate, the plane lost power. Then we went back to the gate, and tried to leave again and lost power again. Then we sat on the plane for 45 minutes while they figured it out. Then we pulled away again and a family THEN decided that they didn't feel safe and wanted to get off. So we had to pull back up the gate, wait for them to disarm the doors AGAIN, let them off, and then we FINALLY left. We got home at 3:30am on Monday. I went to work that day.

Tuesday, my mom told me about the next death. We drove to NY Friday morning. The wake was interesting. The funeral home was playing music in the room. "No Air" by Jordin Sparks began to play. And Michael Jackson "Human Nature" played too. Um....WHAT?! I'm really serious, I PROMISE you that I'm not kidding about that.

Yea, it's been an interesting two weeks. I'll give better details later maybe. I'm just happy enough to be home, see my dog, and sleep in my own bed. Still trying to find that peace of mind.......

Doritos, Cheetos, and Fritos, Oh My!

Normally, I don't blog about work. But you know what, I'm not really talking about work. I'm about to share with you one of my deepest frustrations known to employees around the globe:

Yes. Shitty Vending Machine Options.

Many an employee suffers at the hands of SVMO. I noticed today just HOW shitty the options are. I was eating lunch in our break room and my friend J (punch-a-pony) walks in. He makes his usual joke about buying the Chuckles.

Yea, we have CHUCKLES in our vending maching. Chuckles. Wtf is a Chuckle ANYWAY?!

So J says "I'm totally gonna buy the Chuckles." And then I really thought about what's in the vending maching. There are about 8 different chip options. Of those 8, 6 of them have some sort of cheese on them: Cheetos, Nacho Cheese Doritos, Cheezits, Sun Chips Harvest Cheddar, Smartfood White Cheddar popcorn, and Cheddar & Sour Cream chips. Then there are plain Lays chips, that really, no one likes. And FRITOS. Who the f*%k eats Fritos?! If you want to pump a load of salt and nasty overprocessed curly tortilla chips in your body, go for it.

Then we've got the few things us normal workers would eat like Peanut M&M's. A Twix every now and then. And the all important Cup O' Noodles.

What else is in there? PayDays (J had to explain to me that these are basically freakin sticks of caramel dunked in a barrel of peanuts), a $2.00 Zoe PowerBar, Apple Cinnamon oatmeal, Brown Sugar Pop-Tarts, Plain ChexMix, TrailMix, and Cream Cheese and Chives crackers. And we still have the Chuckles guys. Don't forget the Chuckles. Another co-worker sitting at the table confessed to me that he has to come to the vending maching 3 times before he succumbs to finally buying some form of a "snack." But it takes 3 tries before he can even force himself to do anything about his hunger pangs.

I've decided to write a passive-aggressive note to the vending machine man (because this isn't really something that the company has control over) and stick it on the inside of the vending machine so when he comes to fill it, he will see this through the glass:

Dear Vending Machine Man,

Please stop putting shit in the vending machine. Have you noticed that you haven't had to refill the Chuckles? Yes. Because no one EATS the Chuckles. About 95% of the company can't even tell you what a Chuckle is. Please give us snacks that aren't covered in cheese. I would like to live past 35 years of age, and might appreciate a healthier snack, or maybe even the Doritos that MOST people like (which would be the blue bag). Please consider our plea. If you would like to find out what we like to snack on, you are more than welcome to survey the floor and we will happily assist you in choosing appropriate products for the machine.
Thank you for your time and at least for giving us Peanut M&M's.

The Floor

Punch That Pony

So I have a friend who is obsessed with me punching ponies. Actually he's just obsessed with pony punching it seems. And anytime I have a "moment" he'll ask "So did you punch a pony?" So that's usually the new phrase of how angry someone can get. Pony-punching anger. Anyway, check out the brief conversation I had with said friend at work:

me: "my hand itches. what does that mean?"

j: "huh?"

me: "you know when people say your ears itch, someone is talking about you"

j: "uh.."

me: "oh i mean when your ears burn! when your ears burn someone is talking about you."

j: "oh yea. thats right."

me: "so my hand is itching. what does that mean again?"

j: "it means you need to go find a pony to punch."