LaLosch Faces Her Fears

I have alot of irrational fears. One of them being that my baby will be bald when it comes out (i DID say irrational......). But another one of them involves the public restrooms. So if you don't want to read about my restroom fears, stop reading now.

So as all you women know, whenever we need to use the ladies room, there is usually a line. So I was waiting to use a stall in the Natick mall yesterday and one opened up and the one right next to it opened up too, so my mom went in that one. The minute I stepped in, I was hit with waves (not just one), of other-stinky-person's-poop. Like this women must have just eaten at the food court upstairs and then exploded. So I could barely breathe and then it hit me: Wonder if the next person who comes in after me thinks it was ME?!?!?! Because I didn't do it, all I have to do is empty my pea sized bladder (thanks KidLosch). It smelled so bad that it wasn't even like the next person could ignore it...it was lingering even in the toilet paper.

So I came out and so did my mom and SHE said, "Man, the woman before me blew it UP!!" I said, "No that was the girl before me in my stall." And we literally argued back and forth about whose stall was worse. We came to the conclusion that they were also a mother-daughter duo who instead of tinkling, just ate Sarku Japan instead and duo dumped. But still, people might think it was me! I will reiterate that I KNOW this is irrational, but you can't tell me that you haven't thought the same thing.

I Have The Best Friends

So far, this has been the best reaction to the news:

Why I Love My Mom

I love my mom because she buys our kid things like this:

New Yorkers. What can I say? (not much since I technically am one)

I've missed her and I'm glad she's always gotten my sense of humor. :-)

Achoo

Getting sick.....SUCKS!
I hope it's just allergies or a quick passing. I can't afford to get a cold. I'm already emotional and tired. I don't need a runny nose too. I think part of it is stress, so I need to cut this shit out, seriously. I did rest already tonight and once I have dinner, it's probably back to bed for me. So much for writing....

Hail To The Spirit of...Lady Gaga??

In case you've really been in the dark here, I was in marching band in college. And I still follow the happenings of my band, whose name is "The Band of The Hour." Imagine my surprise when I find out today that 3/4 of the first half-time show will be a trio of Lady Gaga songs (Pokerface, Bad Romance, and Just Dance). 

Hmm....I mean, I'm not saying that our rendition of Justin Timberlake's "Rock Your Body" was that great, but uh.....well....yea. Either way, I'll still support it. I'll try at least. I just hope that my successors will make up some awesome alternative lyrics to some of these songs.

Infant Architecture

Benefits of having an architect husband?

He designs a crib and then places possible furniture in 2 different rooms in a design software (Sketch-Up) in our apartment to show me what it'll look like so we can decide which room to use as the baby's room. He measured the rooms and built the rooms in the software so there is no guessing how much space there will be.


Yeaaaa.....back off bitches. He's mine. ;-)

Found My Way To Relaxation

The last few days of this week have been filled with mounting frustration and anxiety. So much, that Thursday evening I spent most of it crying. I cried Friday morning because my bra didn't fit anymore, and then I almost broke down into tears at my desk at work because I didn't feel like getting up again to get my second juice box (thank you Jared for getting it for me). So ManLosch told me, "I'll do whatever I need to do to make you happy and sane this weekend, you just let me know."

So ManLosch found me a beach! I told him that it'd been too long since my feet had felt some sand, so he drove me around until we found an acceptable beach. My biggest gripe? It fucked up my hair, but whatever. And people just smoke on the beach (hmm..not a Miami thing, THAT'S for sure...). Not cool. But it was nice out today. After that, he paid for me to have a pre-natal massage. I told him afterwards that I think I may have fallen in love with a woman because my massage therapist was great. I will be booking more appointments with her to keep my shoulders from locking and to keep my back from getting all tight. She said now that all my weight is being shifted to the front, plus sitting at a computer all day, I'm going to really need to work on my back.

After that, we spent our last volunteering evening with the kitties. I can't help as much as I used to (can't do the litter and have to watch the kitty tushies) so we figured that it's only going to get worse. We had a great night; there were 3 kittens there tonight who were absolutely amazing. With the kitties being taken care of, we left to pick up dinner. ManLosch made me a steak dinner while I got to put my feet up and relax. He then brought me ice cream and rubbed my belly.

I've not cried once today. ;-)

Frustration

My frustration today comes in many forms. I'm not sure where to start with it, or even if I should blog about any of it. I did realize though, that part of my frustration is writer's block. Or maybe no motivation? I keep thinking about it and wanting to write; I have pieces that are half written, and pieces that I've started and just stopped. I felt this wave of emotion and frustration while walking to my car after work and I feel like my brain was moving with words, and I had the urge to write, but it was almost like I didn't know how. It was strange.

I question whether or not this is something I can try to force. I might. I miss it. Especially after a day like today.

Beginning of the Updates

I had my monthly visit today and met the OB/GYN for the first time (I usually see my nurse practitioner or the ultrasound people). She is tons of amazing and I love her and will do something strange like invite her over to dinner or something. So as we're talking, she basically gives me a new due date. I'm due Christmas Eve now, which was actually my original due date. What a great little Christmas present. :-) We heard the fetal heartbeat and it's very strong, so Peanut is chillin in there, growing and continuing to give me gas.

Part of all the early pregnancy shtuff involves blood tests for abnormalities, etc. Luckily so far, I am low risk for everything possible, which is great. The only thing they want to test is ManLosch for the sickle cell trait (just in case). I knew I had it and it came up in my bloodwork, but only the trait (more common in African Americans). Since we're having a little mulatto Oreo, it almost makes it safer, but just to check, the doctors wanted to test him too. ManLosch despises needles but I told him that if I could fill up 9 vials of blood everytime I went, he could fill up one for me. So after the visit, he goes to register to get his blood taken. He says, "So will this test determine if I'm black or not?" I said, "WHAT?!" He said, "You know. Maybe I'm black or something and didn't know it. Wonder if the test results come back and the doctors say 'We have good news and bad news. The bad news is, you have the trait. The good news is, you can play for the Chicago Bulls.'"

Yes. That is my husband. But at least he's doing everything he can to keep me sane. :-)

Otherwise, everything is going well so far. Just hungry all the time. Anyone wanna UltraFeast with me??

Don't Be Nasty

I normally try NOT to blog about work.....but....


Dear Ladies of Our Office,

Please flush once for the bulk and twice for the remainder. And to think, I used to think it was those women at the other company when we shared a restroom before our office move. Now that we don't? I know that it's ya'll. And ya'll are actin' REAL dirty. Let's get it together please. Because with restroom behaviors like this, you can't ever say ANYTHING about men being gross.

Sincerely,
LaLosch

Tales from Diamond Nails

Since bending over is becoming a little more difficult now (that's what she said), I opted to go and get a pedicure today rather than try to paint my toes myself and be completely out of breath by the time I was applying a base coat. There is a nail salon right across the street from my apartment, so that's where I went.

I walked in and they took me right away (good sign). But then 2 of the women who worked there looked at me and laughed a little. I shot them a look and struggled to get in the chair but got up just fine. Just paranoid. The women proceeded to do all the pedi actions and while cleaning up my cuticles, SHE KNICKED ME. I yelped a little and looked down and there was blood. I shot her a look like, "BITCH WTF JUST HAPPENED?!" and she giggled like she was Sailor Moon and said "Oh, I sorry! OMG I SORRY!" Sorry doesn't cut it whore. But apparently you do. Giving me a pedicure without cutting me would have been great.

She gets to the part where she massages my feet, which did feel nice. But then she pulled out some Mr. Miyagi moves on the bottoms of my feet and thought she was fuckin' Muhammad Ali using my legs as punching bags. I again shot her a look and decided that every time she domestically abused me, a little bit of her tip went back into my wallet.

When my toes were done, I decided too that I looked like I was growing a yeti above my eyes, so I got them shaped and waxed. As I got up to go to the room, the same 2 women who laughed before laughed again and this time, mentally deducted the tip instead of shooting the "don't go there" look. The woman who waxed my brows? She got wax IN MY HAIR and ripped a few strands out and didn't seem bothered by it. Not even when I was almost in tears and had my hand in the wax in my hair, trying to reduce the pain. Tip is now almost at $0.

Luckily, she finished quickly and my dog was done at the groomers, so I let my nails air dry. I paid the exact amount and for both those bitches, I left $5, which I felt was being generous after the shit parade they put me through. I'm not sure I'm going back there, but I think I'll be able to find another nail place with no problems, don't you think?

Lord of the Pants

What will I be doing this weekend you ask?

Looking to buy more maternity pants. Because they are the best thing to happen to me. Ever. Well besides ManLosch, the dog (who I now affectionately just call "Animal"), and the little one. Maternity pants are pretty much up there. Way up there. So I decided while eating an italian ice and letting it all drip onto my belly, "Dammit, I'm gonna buy another pair of pants!"

That is all.

What Did You Eat Before Bed??

• ManLosch(while watching tv during breakfast at the hotel): Is that Lady Gaga?
• Me: No, that's not Lady Gaga. Duh.
• ManLosch: Hmm. Isn't she dead?
• Me: WHAT? Whaaaa? Lady Gaga is not dead dummy.
• ManLosch: Oh. Well maybe I just dreamt that she was dead. Ah, oh well.

Vacation!!!!

Vacation starts tomorrow! And it's well deserved. After a trip to the ER Tuesday night/Wednesday morning and just having a rough week overall, I'm very excited to head to

Seattle!!!!

ManLosch and I are leaving LoschDog behind and headed to Seattle for a week. We're going to Vancouver for a few days too. I had to go for work so we decided to just actually take a little vacation around it, before I'm not going to want to go anywhere! LoschDog is in good hands with my friend Joey, even though I get sad when I leave his little pup face. But this was a well earned vaca. Super excited. 

Tanning Fail

My mom called me yesterday at work freaking out. She says, "Okay, I have to tell you this because I figured you'd want to know and I know you're going to tell Marcus (my best friend)." I said, "Okay, what happened?" She says, "So I bought one of those self-tanning sprays because I wanted my skin tone to look even before we left for New Orleans. I followed all of the directions- (and please note, I already started laughing once she told me she bought a self-tanning spray)- and exfoliated. I sprayed it on and let it dry, and went to bed. I woke up and I LOOK LIKE A FREAKIN' ZEBRA!!"

I'm sorry, but I responded with what many others might respond with and said, "Ma, did you forget that you're black? Why the hell were you using a self-tanning spray?" She said, "Well my legs were all pasty and my arms were more brown, so I wanted to look good at the music festival." I said, "If you had just put on some sunblock and let Mother Sun do her business, she would have tanned you just fine." She said, "I know, I know. And it's noticeable. I went to get my nails done and the woman said to me, "Uhhhh Harriet...uhh you got too much sun yea?" My mother said that she told her about the self tanner fiasco and that the little Asian woman looked at her and touched her arm and said, "Uhhhhh no. You no need. Not fa' ya skin color, no." I busted out laughing. I said to her, "Ma, you can go work at Lowes or Home Depot. People can use you as a paint palette when deciding what color brown to paint their walls." She about had enough of me and my jokes. I asked her to send me a picture and she adamantly refused.

I love my mama.

Let's Get Physical...Physical...

As in, ManLosch is now in charge of my exercise regimen. He wants to make sure that I'm exercising for the baby. So I said while laying in his lap today, "I should probably do SOME exercise that doesn't involve trips to the fridge. Help me." Since the word "exercise" is on his top 10, his ears perked up and he said, "Ok, sure!" I said, "No matter what it is, you have to make sure I don't pout and say no. You have to make me do it." He said, "Ok, I can handle that."

After I just finished making soup, banana bread, raspberry sorbet, AND washed all those dishes, ManLosch turns to me and says, "Okay, ready to exercise????" I looked at him like he was crazy. He said, "3 days a week now, you have to walk with me and LoschDog." I laughed out loud and said he was funny. He was not laughing. So I said, "Uh...um...we'll see." He said, "Nope. 3 days a week. 15 minutes and we'll walk slow. Also, ready to do some floor exercises now?" WTF?! So considering I DID tell him that he could trump my whining, I slowly made my way to my yoga mat and did some exercises with him. It wasn't too bad. But I did whine a little while doing them (duh, IT'S ME).

Well I'm being rewarded with dinner now, so I like this. I'll do as many wall squats and pelvic thrusts necessary. BRING ON THE FOOD!!!!!

Know That Feeling?

That feeling where you want to shout to the world? That feeling where you just have so much to say, but can't find the words to say it? That feeling that just sits in the pit of your stomach (and no it's not the kid) and you don't know how to manage it?

That feeling where you just feel.......????????

That's what I'm feeling right now. And I wish I could explain it better. But I hope that my blogging family understands sometimes that no matter how much you love to express yourself, sometimes you don't always know the right way to do it or even how to approach it. Today has been one of those days. Meh.

The Poo Files

I went with a friend to her doctor's appointment today at a hospital. So we're getting ready to leave, had  a good appointment, and I turn to her and say, "Melissa, I REALLY gotta pee. You know....yea. I just gotta go." So we're looking for the restroom and we see one. I place her things down in the waiting area and say, "Be right back!" I hustle off to the restroom and when I push the door open, I think to myself, Damn....did I just walk into the 70's? Anyway, still had to go and didn't have much of a choice but between 2 stalls.

One stall was what I called the "Midget Stall." It really was not made for someone 5 feet and over. I opted out of that one. So I stepped back to use the handicapped stall. I open the door, ready to bust a move; I take a step and right before I took another one, I look down and right on the floor, was a little turd. Yes, that's right. There was a piece of poo on the floor, not even close to the toilet. And it looked like it had been stepped on/rolled over/SOMETHING. So I freaked out. I'm screaming, "Why is there shit on the floor of a HOSPITAL?! OMG!!" Because I really had to go, I just sucked it up and squatted on the midget toilet like I never squatted before.

I rushed out, washed my hands, and ran out screaming to Melissa, mostly in fits of laughter and incredulity. She starts laughing and we just start wondering what possibly happened. When I got to work, I shared this story as well, and here are just a few possible scenarios that have been concocted so far:

1) The person really couldn't wait.
2) Know what a dog looks like when it has a small piece of remaining poo in it's fur that it can't get out?? And finally they are able to drop the deuce somewhere? Yea. Maybe??
3) Someone was changing a baby and while wrapping up the diaper, a piece of the poo fell out and rolled onto the floor.
4) Someone was actually in a wheelchair and had some trouble while on the toilet (which doesn't excuse why said turdlet was not even close to the toilet).
5) It was Mr. Hankey.

Please tell me you all can think of something more reasonable than this, because otherwise....why was there poo on the floor of a hospital (and not even in a private room mind you)? Hilarious...yet disturbing all rolled into one small turd.

It's A Bird...It's A Plane....

Nah, it's just me. But you made it to my post and that alone is commendable. So commendable, that I will reward you with a small nugget of truth about me. I'm pregnant.

Let that seep in for a second.

Ready? Okay. Yes, what I just shared above is completely and utterly true. ManLosch and I are expecting a little Losch. A BabyLosch if you will. But we shall now refer to said child as "KidLosch." You will not see pictures of the inside of my uterus otherwise known as an ultrasound, unless you live here, ask, and I can conveniently show you in person. You will not see pictures of my pee stick(s), as I did not even bother taking pictures and besides, I'm not down with that. What I WILL share throughout the next 6 months will be small tidbits of what this tiny little creature is doing to me.

For instance, KidLosch has prevented me from having enough energy to blog like I truly wanted to. I've been EXHAUSTED beyond belief, so the fact that it's 9pm and I'm still awake is a miracle now. Morning sickness is not even real. IT'S ALL DAY SICKNESS. So a big "fuck you" to the person who coined it "morning" sickness. My pants don't fit anymore and I've been subjected to a Bella Band already plus lots of skirts and dresses. My hormonal emotions created alot of unnecessary tears that have evolved into alot of hormonal rage.

Otherwise, I'm still me. Still ranting and raving about stupid people and funny things I see. Just more hormonal, a bigger belly, and a bigger appetite (UltraFeast anyone?). For the few of you who knew, thanks for being patient with me the last few months and for those who are reading this for the first time, thanks for always reading about my random life. :-) Now bring on the next 6 months!!

Dear Black Jetta

Dear Black Jetta,

It is about 8:30 in the morning and I am driving behind you in the garage. You deem it necessary to text on your phone while creeping at 1mph instead of driving in the garage to look for a parking space. I try to speed up to signal to you that you shouldn't be texting, please get out of my way. Instead, you brake to use both hands to text instead.

Jetta, we are now only on the ramp going up to the 2nd floor. This is ridiculous. You are in my way. Why the fuck are you texting and looking for a parking space? I'm not understanding this logic right now. I just want to park my car and get moving. No....no, you're still texting.

FINALLY. You pulled into a space. After 5 minutes of this bullshit. Thanks.You really couldn't wait to pull into a parking space to text? I hope you dropped your phone down a flight of stairs so it cracked just enough to drive you just as crazy as you drove me this morning.

Sincerely,
Girl in the Black Truck