It's Back!

I waited too many weeks for this. But it's finally back. Tonight.....it's finally back.


I'll be parking my sweet ass on the recliner tonight and reuniting with Mr. Shu, Prego Quinn and her clueless boyfriend Finn (THE BABY ISN'T YOURS DUMMY!!), and my idol Sue Sylvester. Sue, no worries. We're only a few hours away from reuniting in Glee glory.

If you haven't given this show a chance yet.....damn. I feel for you. Now go watch it and tell me what you think.

Things Running Through My Mind

Here are just a few things that were possibly running through my mind when this photo was taken:
1) You got GOT homie! I just took all your money!
2) Did YOU dress me in a bleached 80's EPCOT shirt?? Because if so, this is truly atrocious.
3) Keep laughing at my knock knees. You just keeeeep laughing.
4) I think my cheeks are as big as your stomach.
5) Wait, why is my hairline uneven? Hey, well...I guess it's kinda funny.
6) I just jumped on Mommy's stomach to ensure that I was going to be the last! Ha HA!
7) Hello mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster.

Cryin'

Dear Mr. Tyler,

My name is Lexi Losch and you have devastated my husband, otherwise known as ManLosch. You are apparently leaving Aerosmith, his most favoritist band ever known to mankind ever in the world ever. He sent me a message at work to let me know and I had to sit shiva for him. How could you do this? You had my man cryin'(get it? i used you your song for the joke.....yea....you got it......yeaaaaa).

In an effort to ease the pain, he listened to your CD's while working from home. Are you really leaving? Because I think this might be a publicity stunt. What? Oh, you're kinda for real leaving? Oh. Well I...oh. Okay, well ManLosch is crying again. Why'd you have to go and break your leg on tour and then make a big deal about Brand Tyler?! I thought you gave up drugs and some drinking. No? Well do you really have to quit? ManLosch is pretty broken up about this; we even went to an Aerosmith concert on our wedding anniversary so you really can't leave the group. So you're pulling a Journey? Or a Guns n Roses? Just because Joe Perry left once doesn't mean you have to do the same thing (and you should really think about returning his phone calls, that's not right). And ManLosch just said that Brad Whitford left too, but who the hell knows who he is anyway?

So think about it Stevie buddy. You know you don't want to quit. So keep your scarf wrapped microphones and harmonica solos. ManLosch will be broken and go Crazy (ha! get it?) if you leave. You know you don't wanna miss a thing (ahh I'm so good). Just go back to the studio.

Dream On forever,
LaLosch

Verdict??

I'm proud to be an American (where at least I know I'm free...yea yea), but I just got home from Niagara Falls. I was there with ManLosch for the weekend and as you know, there is a Niagara Falls, NY and Niagara Falls, ON. We frequented both the American and Canadian sides.

I'm sorry America....but Canada has you beat. Like seriously. I think we spent more than half our time in Canada. When you look at the U.S.A. from Canada, you think "Hmm, well it looks like everyone is slummin' it eh." When you look at Canada from the U.S.A., you think "Holy crap, let's go there to gamble, and eat dinner, and not be bored." As we were coming back into the States Saturday night, there was a LINE at customs to get INTO Canada that went as far back as our hotel. People were ready to party in Canada and NO ONE was ready to party in the U.S.A. C'mon America, that should tell you something. Put some Christmas lights up or hang up a wooden welcome sign.

Either way, we had an awesome time. I'll discuss later and post some pics when I'm not so damn tired from the 7 hour drive. 'Night kids.

Squeaky Shoes and the 6 Finger Baby

ManLosch and I spent most of the day in Toronto today. We went to visit Chris and Jarrett there and spent the day walking around. We did the one big tourist-y thing there and went to the CN tower, which I affectionately call "The Big Needle Building." So we head up and while we're waiting in line to go to the very top (can't remember what it's called), there's this family behind us of like a million. They had this stroller made for 3 kids. I already knew the wait in line based on that alone would be shitty.

So the dad walks by with one of the kids. And something is squeaking. I assume at first it's just a toy. No. It was not. The kid had on squeaking shoes. So everytime the thing-kid took a step, it squeaked, like a dog toy (ManLosch and I discussed that we could never dress our kids in those because LoschDog would think the kid was a squeaker toy and go after him/her). I was ready to rip the shoes off and throw them from the top of the tower. Until I then noticed the kid's sister or brother (I don't know, alot of babies look the same to me) sleeping in the front seat of the tri-seater. I looked and noticed that the hands moved a little and I looked at the small hands. And I said to myself "Hmm, wait a minute, something doesn't look anatomically correct." So I start counting, because I'm weird and I count people's fingers sometimes. And I said "One, two, three, four, five......SIX?!??! Wait, Six???" Yea, this baby had 6 fingers. Holy crap. I tried to contain it, but I told ManLosch and then I told Chris. Of course Chris started laughing and I was trying to hold it in the best I could. It wasn't like "HAHAHA, your 6 fingered baby is a freak." It was that weird, uncomfortable laughter because you don't know how else to react to a 6 fingered baby.

Either way, once we got to the top, we discovered that the 3rd kid had the squeaking shoes too. And the kids names were "Diego" and "Cortez."

Yea. You read right.

Oh Canada.

Isn't She Lovvveelllly

It's a Natural Wonder of the World people. Behold Mother Nature's majestic beauty, even when it's 40 degrees out. And I had to borrow Ryan's hat. And I was wearing a poncho so I wouldn't get wet and thus suffer a horrible Niagara version of hypothermia. But other than that, it's pretty right?? :-)
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

LaMontagne and Niagara

Last night, I went to a concert with a friend, DiDi (thanks for the ticket DiDi!). We saw Ray LaMontagne at the Wang Theatre in Boston and it was nothing short of amazing. It felt like you were in a living room, wrapped up in blankets, sipping some wine (or your alcoholic beverage of choice), and just relaxing away your evening. It was great. What WASN'T great was the opening act. It got so bad that DiDi got up and left to wait in the lobby because she couldn't take it. In between songs, he said "So are you guys ready for Ray LaMontagne??" And everyone started screaming. So we all thought that he was done. But then he started another song and a loud young woman yells out "No, we want him NOW, WE WANT HIM NOOWWWWWWWW!!!" That, I'm fairly sure, was heard by the entire audience and quite possibly the crappy opening act.

Anyway, I'm on vacation. ManLosch and I drove to Niagara Falls. We finally got here about 30 minutes ago and we can see the mist of the falls from our hotel window, it's pretty. And free wireless allows me to update you lovelies on my trip. So right now, we're trying to figure out what the hell is going on and what you have to pay for and then we're going to walk out to see the falls lit up at night, get dinner, and probably crash because it was a long drive. But I will be seeing Christopher Jones in Toronto in 2 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Score. Okay, I'm hungry. Catch me on Twitter or something. I'll holler homies.

I Look Like.....Leona Lewis??

Hey kids, I have a story. So I went to Panera for lunch today. Panera is in the same complex of my workplace. I go to open the door and a man opens the door for me (he's walking out). He's this short little Asian man. He says "Wow, are you a princess?" I stop and I'm like "What? Huh?" Parts of the rest of this story will be in conversation format to save space...
Him: Are you a princess? You look like one.
Me: Uh, no I'm not. But I damn sure wish I was one.
Him: Well you definitely look like one. No wait, you look like that girl from American Idol. You know...um, she was on American Idol, I think last season
(I now have a perplexed look on my face because I have NO idea who he is talking about, considering I don't really watch AI anymore)

Him: You know, the Britain girl, that one.
Me: (now realizing who he is probably referring to) You mean Leona Lewis?
Him: YES! YES! You look just like her. Very beautiful. Are you a professional singer?
Me: No.
Him: You sure? You look like one. You sing around here?
I again answer no, in hopes that I can go and get my lunch sooner rather than later. So I tell him I played the flute in college, maybe thinking that my band nerd status will push him away. It doesn't.

Him: Oh! So you are a professional flute player?? You look like one.
I want to smack him at this point. Because how the f*$k do I look like EVERYHING? So I finally get him off this topic and he says...

Him: Well do you work around here? This is the first time I've seen you.
(Ok McStalker)
Me: Yea, I work across the street.
Him: Oh wow! Me too! Where?
Me: Across the street.
Him: Cool, cool. Yea, what's your name?
I was stupid and wasn't fast enough on my feet so I said..
Me: Lexi
Him: That's pretty. My name is Mohammed Ali.
Um....what? Then he finally just laughed nervously and said his name was Ali.

Him: So, uh, do you like Japanese food? I go to this awesome place in Coolidge Corner.
Me: I like sushi, yea.
Him: Would you like to go with me to eat sushi sometime soon??
Me: No thanks, I'm going to have to pass.
Him: Well, we could just go eat something else. I mean, I'll eat anything, it doesn't have to be sushi.
Me: No, I mean, I don't think my husband would appreciate me going out to have sushi with a man he's never met. Especially on a date.
Him: Oh! I didn't see the rings. Sorry, I was so focused on your beautiful eyes. (WHHHHAAAAAAT???? Sha-huh??)

He then proceeded to tell me that maybe he could meet my husband so he could bring his friends and I could bring my husband for sushi. This makes NO kind of sense. NONE. Are you flippin kidding me?! Either way, this conversation ended because I kept inching towards the registers, trying to send a signal that I was starving, but that apparently didnt work. Anyway, I just thought this entire exchange was hilarious. I had a good time. I hope you did too. And watch out for little dudes opening doors for you....they might think you're a professional Leona Lewis flute player.

Stuff Lexi Likes #4

I hope you're keeping up with my blog so you know that we're on a journey together to find out how white I am.

#90 Dinner Parties
Well I like food. And I like parties. So why WOULDN'T I like dinner parties? Especially when there is wine and lots of laughter. And I know I'm not the only one. So who wants to invite me to one?

#101 Scarves
I don't own THAT many but I like scarves. It's a nice addition to an outfit and they are so cute when dressed with a white shirt. Okay, let me stop because I think the scarves one alone is proving how white I am.

#108 High School English Teachers
I had some of the BEST English teachers in high school. Especially Mr. Lanzetta. 11th grade. 11th grade was when I re-discovered my love for reading and discovered that I was a decent writer. Or Mr. and Mrs. Trotta (yea, I had a husband and wife, 10th grade and 12th grade AP English). The only thing I was good in while in high school was English. So shut your face.

#121 Reusable Shopping Bags
I like saving the Earth. We only have one! And why wouldn't you want to try to make this planet better for yourself? Get out of my face.

I'll keep it short this time kids. The next installment may be the last one and we'll tally up the goods.

Blue Ford Focus, How Art Thou?

Dear Tricia,

It was nice to finally meet you this morning. I thought to myself "She's going to think I'm a psycho, coming up to her car to ask her a question, maybe I shouldn't do this." But something told me that I should. So I did. And you were nice. I asked you if you went to UM and you said yes so I told you that I did too. A smile that is recognizable among fellow 'Canes told me that you were happy to meet another UM Alum who got caught in the arctic Northeastern air (arctic compared to living in Miami right?). We talked for a few minutes, about graduation dates and about living in Miami past graduation. Then you asked me about football games and we talked about that. I introduced myself and you thought my name was Leslie. That's ok. I corrected you. As I do everyone who thinks my name is Leslie.

So Tricia, it was nice to meet you and your Blue Ford Focus decked out in Miami stickers and the license plate holder. We work in the same building for different companies, but maybe...just maybe we'll talk again.

Hope your Monday was better than mine.

Sincerely,
Leslie (but I prefer Lexi)

Swine Flu Hits The Catholics

ManLosch and I went to Mass this morning (natch). We sat, did our initial prayers, and waited for Mass to begin. Well, the priest, Father Al, had a few morning announcements. Due to the increasing swine flu epidemic/pandemic/paranoiademic, a few changes would be happening in the church. So ManLosch and I silent the voices in our heads (okay, only I silent the voices in my head) to listen.

Father Al reminds us of all the Purell stations around the sanctuary. Then he said "I'm sure you all noticed that when you walked in, there was no holy water. The Archdiocese has made the recommendation to remove all holy water stations until further notice." YOU SERIOUS?! REALLY? Then he says "If you need holy water for your home, please see me and we can make arrangements." I looked at ManLosch and was like "Is this for real??"

Then he continues. He says "During Communion, there will only be the host. The Archdiocese has also recommended that we do not offer the wine. We will continue to take the wine when blessing the host. Also, if you can try to refrain from taking the host directly on the tongue, that would help." I was alright with that. Even though the wine DOES help wash down my tasteless Jeezit, I figured I'd survive. I mean, if Jesus survived in the desert for 40 days, I think I can survive eating a cracker that's supposed to be him without the grape juice follow up (Belmont is a dry town people).

THEN IT GETS BETTER. Father Al continues. He says "Last, The Archdiocese has also recommended that we do not offer each other a sign of peace. Where normally we would turn to our brothers and sisters in the congregation to shake hands and offer a friendly hello, you will only respond with 'And also with you' after I say 'May Peace Be With You Always.' After that, we will go straight into Communion." WHHHHAAAAT?! If you read my blog then you KNOW how much I abhor the "Peace Be With You" part of Mass. So when he said this, ManLosch looked at me and laughed because I nearly jumped out of the pew in excitement.

So during Mass, ManLosch and I kept making jokes like "Oh, please don't touch the songbook. See that spot? That's swine flu" or "Please don't pray out loud because if you open your mouth, you might spread swine flu." He even said, "Next week, they'll instruct us to NOT come to church, but watch the webcast of Mass and then we can lick the screen when they hold the host up to the camera." I'm surprised that it took this long for the Catholics to get all paranoid about the flu. Wasn't Catholicism around during all the plagues? Were they not sharing wine and bread and handshakes then too? I mean, I'm not complaining about the "Peace Be With You" part, but don't you think ALL of this is a little excessive? Wait, don't tell me out loud. You might spread swine flu.

GoodBye October, Hello NaBloPoMo

It's 11:45pm on Halloween. I'm getting ready for the month of November, which for me is NaBloPoMo. One blog post a day for the entire month. So am I glad October is almost over? Yea kinda.
So what do YOU have to look forward to by reading my blog everyday for a month? Well let's just say there will be prizes and giveaways people. And I'm super super duper serious about that. I'm going to try to turn a normally dull month into something fun. So stay tuned for all the good times.

Bring it on NaBloPoMo!!

Srsly

Man, I hate serious blogs. So I'm going to just mix this one up.
First, thank you all SO SO MUCH for all of your kind words and prayers for my dad. It's definitely helping all of us get through this a little bit easier. Right before I left for yoga, my longtime friend Zoe called me and we talked a little, and that phone call really almost made me cry. So thanks Zoe, I miss you and I love you. And many thanks to my new friend DiDi, who is helping me keep my mind off all the seriousness by inviting me to a concert next week. :) All the words and encouragement are so appreciated, I'm not sure I can put it into anymore words.

On another note, I also wanted everyone to check out the little badge on the sidebar. I joined this site called NaBloPoMo, and it stands for National Blog Posting Month. So for the month of November, I will be posting everyday. So I hope you'll keep following and remain interested, because November will be a fun month, despite all of the serious going on around me! I'm doing this with a fellow blogger, Steph from Canada (her blog is Life's Surprises if you're interested) so we're going to motivate each other.

Okay, back to harassing the hospital... :-)

I Don't Like Somber Blogs

I was so hyped to write about the Boston Bookfest that I attended this past Saturday. I was going to go on and on about the sessions I attended and the literary journals and books I bought (for under $20 mind you).

And then my dad had a heart attack. Yeaaaaaaaaa.

So I don't really do somber blogs or anything. That's not really me. But he's doing better. It doesn't help that my relationship with him has been somewhat strained. And when I say "somewhat" I mean "really" and when I say "strained" I mean awful and atrocious. So when he left me a voicemail, all I thought was "Oh here we go again." I was having a great Sunday brunch with the ManLosch, and getting ready to go see a movie, so I said "Eh, it can wait." Well, uh.....right. Either way, my brain has been going a mile a minute since Sunday night. I went to visit him yesterday; we drove from Boston at 4am to Brooklyn and back in the same day. We did alot of talking and I did alot of being mean to the nurses and doctors because they were slightly confused. And when I say "slightly" I mean completely and when I say "confused" I mean incompetent. I spoke to him tonight and he's doing alright, except for the fact that he's not in his own room anymore. He's apparently making a large to do about wanting to go back to the CCU so he can have his own room again. I yelled at him and told him to please stop annoying the nurses.

Anyway, if you're reading this and knew, thanks for being there for me and my family during this. He doesn't really get along with most of the family anymore, so I think it was nice that he's been in everyone's prayers lately. And all I can really do right now is take this day by day.

Good Hair

I saw the documentary "Good Hair" a few hours ago (which by the way, is only playing in like 3 theatres around Boston, and when I say around Boston, I mean like 45 minutes outside of downtown). If you ever had any questions about black hair and/or black women and their hair, you should definitely go see it. It's a good mix of fact, opinion, and humor (Chris Rock.....so c'mon).

It's sad though, when you see 4 year old girls getting their hair permed and saying that all girls should get their hair permed because "everyone does it" or "because it's the right thing to do." I mean, WHAT? One part of the documentary also showed Chris Rock trying to sell black hair to shops instead of the human Indian hair most women wear. He asked one guy what was wrong with it and said "What? Are you afraid that if someone buys and wears this black hair, they'll get sickle cell anemia?" AND THE GUY SAID YES!!!! I won't spoil anymore of it if you plan to go see it.

I also suggest that you read some of the reviews of it. Very mixed and uh....let's just say discussion starters.

Sue Sylvester, Let's Be Friends

Sue Sylvester is my idol. Why you ask? Because she says and does the most inappropriate things. Don't get my wrong, I like the entire show "Glee." If you still haven't caught on and watched an episode, you need to get out of my face and go do it. Because any show that suggests "The Thong Song" as a first dance for a wedding is AMAZING. Any show that can discuss minorities with jokes ("Asian! Wheels! Shaft!....) and get away with it gets my approval (and that was totally a Sue quote).

So anyway, my most favorite part of "Glee" is Sue Sylvester. She is a package of awesome that was delivered to my Wednesday nights. And if you haven't seen last night's episode, let me just share a little bit of Sue wisdom with you:

"If that set list is 1 minute late, I will buy you a kitty cat, I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat, and then on a cold dark night, I will steal away into your house, and punch you in the face."


Total Gleek.

That's What Happens

We had our normal Team Leader meeting this morning at work to just find out what's going on for the day for all our services. My punch-a-pony loving friend J was sitting next to me (who was going on a business trip in a few hours). He kept kicking my chair. I finally turned to him and said "You need to stop kicking my chair before I cut you." He laughed.

As we were getting up to walk out of the meeting, I turned to him and said "You know what? I hope that when you walk onto that plane today, there is a cranky little child sitting behing you, kicking your seat for the ENTIRE flight." He laughed again and we discussed how awful kids can be on flights sometimes.

At about 11am this morning, I get a call at work. It's J. He said "Hey do you want SkyMall?" (Natch.) I said "Yea of course." He said, "Oh and by the way, your wish came true. But there's TWO kids sitting behind me!" I laughed out loud and said "SEE!! That's what you get!!"

Moral of the story: Don't piss me off unless you want cranky kids kicking YOUR chair the whole flight. Mwahahahaha......

Where The Wild Things Aren't

Did you see "Where The Wild Things Are?" Because I did with ManLosch Saturday evening. And let me tell you. That movie bordered inappropriate for kids halfway through the movie and then moved right on into inappropriate before the movie was over. As we were walking out, some kid turned to his grandparents and said "That wasn't exciting at all. Where were all the exciting parts?" That's right kid. THERE WEREN'T ANY. Unless you want to be scarred for life by watching monsters who threaten to eat kids and then become friends with them, and then try to eat them again and then say you're sorry. What IS this, Bobby and Whitney's relationship??? No thank you. "Where The Bipolar Things Happen To Reside" should have been more like it. And the kid?? Listen up MAX, you need therapy. A few years of it. No kid's imagination is THAT effed. I'm serious.

I can tell you where the wild things WERE though. At flippin' Mass this morning. ManLosch and I sat through 45 minutes of watching these two sisters beat the shit out of each other, while the mother tried to separate the two. Her first attempt included a shove to the blonde one, and then a threat to the husky brunette one. Then they tried to step on each other. Then they tried to smack each other behind the mother's back. And to top it off, during the recessional hymn, an old man in the front pew gave the crucifix at the altar a big thumbs up. Yes. The man gave Jesus a thumbs up. First he did the sign of the cross, and then gave an approving thumbs up. My eyes widened and I looked at ManLosch, poked him, and he was already smiling, so he saw it too. I couldn't help but laugh out loud.

I think I saw more exciting things at church than the movie. I'm just sayin'.

To Whom It May Concern

10/15/2009

To: Ms. Mother Nature
From: Lexi Losch

Re: Today's Weather

Dear Ms. Nature,

I am writing in a complaint about today's weather. At 6:45am, I was instructed to look out of my bathroom window. I was told that the precipitation falling out of the sky was white and of the flaky substance, also known as "snow." I was under the impression that it was still only October, and that we were just getting used to the drop in temperature and watching the leaves change beautiful colors of orange and red. I was not prepared for snow. In October (just like I wasn't prepared to see a tape of a mom freak out on GMA this morning when her baby in the stroller rolled right off a train platform, onto the tracks, and the train ran over the stroller with said infant in it; the baby was ok though, if you were wondering...considering this is neither here NOR there and not your department).

I just wanted to ensure that there were no computer malfunctions this morning. I was thinking maybe your servers went down and it caused a glitch in your nature system. Maybe the timestamp on your system is incorrect, and it says December or January. I was hoping that this was just a tiny error and that you and your staff will be working diligently to correct this problem.

Please let me know if you need any other information supporting this complaint. I hope to see this resolved within the next 24 hours.

Thank you for your time,
Lexi Losch

Chill on the Chili

Yoga was new tonight. It was moved to 7:30pm and Jill was teaching. So needless to say, I was excited that I'd be Savasana-ing with Jill again. Well, before this class is Pilates with Nina. I'm not sure I'm ready to try it, so I was sitting outside, waiting for that class to finish up before I went into the studio. These 2 girls were busy talking about some crap I don't remember, but I did want them to shut up. I DO remember that.

We went inside the studio and the two girls throw their mats down right next to me. The manly one starts talking about what she did that day and then says "Yea, I had chili for lunch." The other one says "Ooo that sounds good! I wish we had better lunch selections." BLAH BLAH BLAH, SHUT UP. So fastfoward about 20 minutes into yoga. I'm deep into my poses, doing a twisted version of Warrior 1, and my olfactory senses kicked in. The husky ho farted in my face!!! Why the hell would you eat chili knowing you were going to be twisting your body around later? It was lots o' nasty.

Moral: Do not eat chili before yoga. Thaaaaank youuuuu.

ManLosch to the Rescue

At around 6:45am this morning, I got out of bed to get into the shower. Dreary-eyed, I flipped the bathroom light on, and I let out a blood-curdling scream (didn't seem to affect Jordan though, he slept right through the commotion). Ryan ran into the hallway and asked me what was wrong. I screamed, backed away and pointed.

Because I swear I saw a bug the size of Jordan on the bathroom wall. Actually I'm fairly certain that the bug ate a centipede, then grew another 100 legs on top of the ones it somehow took from the centipede, and maybe ate a squirrel before finding his way into my bathroom at 6:45am. It looked a little like this:

(those little red things are teeth that I'm sure it had based on how awful it looked)

I squealed and pointed, squealed and pointed. Ryan said "Wow, that thing is huge." I screamed back "KILL IT RYAN. GET RID OF IT, OH MY GOD, GET RID OF IT!!!!" He replied "Oh yea, right. Hold on." He got a paper towel, and disposed of the evil 200 legged bug that tried to ruin my morning routine. Sorry people, I just don't like bugs. That's just the way it is. I made Ryan check all the drawers and cabinets in the bathroom before I even stepped foot in there. I told him to put up a "No vacancy" sign because the bugs seem to think that this is a halfway house when it starts to get cold out.

Crisis averted. Thanks ManLosch for saving me yet again, from the evil bugs that enter my personal space (except for the spider that crawled on my arm in the rental car a few weeks ago, where I leaped into the backseat of the convertible, thinking the spider couldn't crawl into the backseat, but whateeevvvverrrrrrr).

Stuff Lexi Likes #3

(Before we move on, I just want to let you all know that Purina responded to me by sending me 3 coupons: 1 for free Purina crap, and the other 2 allow me to save $1 off some more Purina crap...oh and a computer generated postcard telling me they were happy for my inquiry, blah blah blah....effin Purina.)

Continuing on with things from the book "Stuff White People Like," we will continue to learn just exactly how white I may be.

#69 Mos Def
C'mon though, this isn't even fair. I like him. C'moooonnnnnnnnnnn.

#75 Threatening to Move to Canada
How many times have I threatened to leave the U.S. to live in Canada? My rationale? Canadians don't bother anyone ever. That has to be all kinds of awesome. Then I remember they have winter too and that I already don't do so well in Boston.

#79 Modern Furniture
I love IKEA. You know you do too. Don't even play. It's also affordable on my salary. And most likely yours too! So go there now and buy me a snazzy new lamp.

#81 Graduate School
What? Was I supposed to find a job with a Bachelor's in Psych?! No one warned me how useless the liberal arts are except when you're arguing with someone (in which you probably aren't getting paid, unless you're a lawyer, in which case, you aren't using your liberal arts undergraduate degree for that). Grad School was the best option, and guess what? I loved it. Suck on that.

#83 Bad Memories of High School
It's not my fault that I had to go through a metal detector every day and people got shot and stabbed just as often as a nympho goes through a box of lambskin prophylactics.

Stay tuned.......

Updates from a Recliner

You like updates on my life. So keep reading. Yea...go on....you know you want to....

I normally DON'T blog about work. That's my biggest rule about my blog. But I'm sorry, I can't NOT share the fact that someone at work has swine flu...oh wait, sorry, H1N1. Yes. The first confirmed case. At my job. And it's not a large company, so even though the name of the unfortunate victim wasn't in the email, we all freakin know who it is. And when we received that email, EVERYONE freaked out. I mean, people were running into the kitchen to grab hand sanitizer and Lysol wipes. I swear I'm not lying. People congregated around desks to discuss swine flu and how they don't want it (look, if you all congregate TOGETHER, you're more apt to pass germs....ever think about THAT???).

Besides that, the other biggest event of the day was the bag of popcorn that didn't make it all the way down in the vending machine. People spent money to try to buy other heavier things to push the popcorn down. There was even a wire hanger involved, along with shaking the machine, hitting the machine, sticking a knife in the machine, and hands and arms. Welcome to my job.

(Okay, I will probably NEVER blog about work again, considering the above wasn't really all that revealing or funny or insulting, but whatever. I can't break the rule.)

So I'm at yoga tonight and Nina tells us that the schedule is changing. They are moving my 6pm Hatha Yoga to 7:30. But guess who is teaching it? My fave instructor JILL!! I nearly sharted, I was so damn happy (I didn't really). So I'm super excited for next week. And since it was the last class for now with Nina, she asked us what our favorite poses were, and I completely rocked my class today. I had a great yoga session. Score.

See? I told you that you'd want to read about my life.

Verizon....We Need To Talk

Dear Verizon,

I thought FiOS would be better. I really did. And you know what? It IS better, except the incredibly moronic "cable guy" you sent over to install it did a shoddy job. So our cable shorts out every so often (during the Miami vs. Oklahoma game mind you) while we're watching very important television. So uncool. And the cable guy? Yes, he basically raped my husband with stories of how he got poison ivy and that's why he's being laid off from Verizon. Oh, he also told my husband that he would have had someone else come over to finish the job if he(my husband) was annoying, but lucky for him, heh heh. WTF??!? THAT'S who you sent to install our snazzy new cable? THAT'S who you sent to lure us away from Comcast???

Look, so far, it's working out. But barely. The shorting out has to stop. Oh and also? You can stop sending us promotional information in the mail about signing up for package deals with Verizon. WE ALREADY SIGNED UP. You're wasting the money that we pay you for HD cable/internet/phone/DVR by throwing it right back into promotional materials being sent right back to us. It's a vicious cycle Verizon. Stop it. And you offer way too many sports channels. This is bordering ridic. We even get Chicago sports and news. We get the Yankees channels, which are all well and good, but dammit, I just want to watch "Glee," "Grey's Anatomy," and "South Park" and call it a damn night.

Let's start over Verizon, ok? I want to give us a shot, but this is a two-way street. Let's try to get to "like" before we rush to "love."

Faithfully Yours(for now),
L. Losch

These Days.....

"....I wish I was 6 again
Oh make me a red cape
I wanna be Superman..."

I was reminiscing a little today about college, and remembered how much we used to jam to John Mayer (yea yea). One of my absolute favorite songs is called "1983" where he sings about wishing his life was more like it was in 1983. So I posted a song lyric and mi amigo C.Jones responded to it. We started talking about the song and he said "I wish I could go back to about 1995 and do it all over, but knowing what I know now so I could do it right."

Ain't that the damn truth?! We started throwing out scenarios, things we wish we could go back and change. So things I wish I could go back and change?

I wish I wouldn't have worn those baby pink patent leather high heels with the maroon tights, maroon skirt, and baby pink sweater set in 1995. No one warned me about the possible danger.

I wish I would have learned to play the drums. I could have dated myself.

I wish I would have paid attention in Mr. Caicedo's Global History class instead of sitting in the back eating Airheads all of 3rd period.

I wish I would have made threats to run away from home sooner so my parents would have gotten divorced before (I only would have gone down the block or something to my aunt's house).

I wish I would have gone to the prom with that kid David who was a senior when I was a freshman, but I lied to him and told him my name was Ayana on my first day of school.

I wish I wouldn't have "dated" that kid Patrick. Because we never really dated. But he kinda broke up with me by not returning my one phone call. That was a waste of a few weeks and a summer of writing letters from Florida.

I wish I wouldn't have skipped AP Calculus....well.....yea, no, I wish I would have actually just dropped it.

I wish I got to use all the cool kinds of toothpaste kids got to use. I just used adult Crest or some shit like that. I always wanted to use the Sesame Street toothpaste.

I wish I would have worn jeans that actually fit my body instead of hiding it in baggy jeans.

I wish I would have kept those tape cassettes that my best friend Zoe and I used to make back in 8th grade in her room. We used to sing, tell stories, and talk about people. Then we'd go out walking thinking we were cool.

I wish I would have kicked Rudi Szentimery's (total spell check) ass for calling me a "puta" on the corner of High Street and William Street on the walk home from school. Instead, he apologized profusely later and I ignored him. I was not the LaLosch then that I am today.


I know there are alot more things. It's funny to sit here and think back about things I'd change, if I knew then what I know now. But I don't want to bore you, so if this got YOU to reminisce about your own stories, share them! Because then we can sit here, laugh, and then have that awkward silence right after the laugh because you realize there's nothing you can do about it now. But I'd TOTALLY rock those baby pink patent leather heels now. Screw YOU 8th graders of Franko Middle School. I was just ahead of my time.

So Over It

I've realized today, that not only am I completely over September, and maybe even October before it starts, but that I'm also over 2009. Do you hear that 2009? I'm over you.

Impatiently waiting for 2010. And this time, it's going to go the way LaLosch wants it to go. In the words of my homie from the block Trick Daddy, "Let's go."

Booyah.

Not So Busy

I recently bought a Purina "Busy Bone" for the LoschDog. He loves chewing, surprisingly he doesn't chew on clothes or shoes or anything. But he loves rawhide and love bones. So the bag said "Fun Twisted Shape with meaty middle." It pointed to the outside part and said "Play Time!" and the meaty inside had an arrow and it said "Reward Time!" So the ManLosch and I get back from picking the pooch up from the PetsHotel after the weekend away, and I decided to give him a treat. He gladly accepted it and Ryan looked at the time.

Exactly 4 minutes later, Jordan was no longer busy. He finished the bone. So I decided to send an email to Purina, telling them exactly what happened:

"I recently bought a "Busy Bone" for my dog. Because of the name and because it said the outside of the bone provided "play time" and the inside "reward time," I bought it, knowing my dog would love it. He did love it. He loved it in 4 minutes flat, which in fact, did NOT keep him busy. Any other Purina product suggestions for an aggressive chewer such as mine?"

The next screen that came up informed me that a team member would answer my email as soon as possible. Riiiiiight. I just want to know why it's called "Busy Bone." It clearly did not keep my dog busy. There was no play time or reward time. It was just 4 minutes. 4 minute Bone. So I want some answers. Pretty soon.

Stay tuned.
Woof.

SVMO II: Attack of the Chuckles

So I had a run-in with the vending machine dude finally at work. On Monday, I was in the kitchen warming up my peanut butter sandwich to have before lunch (yea, shut up), and the vending machine guy walks in with his cart o' goodies. So I said "You know, you don't have to refill the Chuckles. No one eats the Chuckles."

Do you know what this 'tard said to me? "Wanna bet?" First, why the hell would you bet anyone on Chuckles? Second, if I said no one eats the Chuckles, I effin meant that no one eats the damn Chuckles. So I said "No not really. They just sit there. Look at all your snacks! We'd prefer 2 rows of fruit snacks over the Chuckles." He didn't say anything. He just proceeded to fill up the vending machine.

Wtf buddy?? I asked nicely. Why do we have 2 rows of Sour Cream and Chive crackers in our machine anyway? Right, no one eats them. So why can't we have 2 rows of something I actually suggest? It's ON vending machine douche. We're going to boycott the Chuckles until they are gross and stale and turn into Jawbreakers. You may have won this battle buddy guy, but you will not win the war. It's SO on.

Things Lexi Can Do Without

I've decided to start a column, maybe weekly, or maybe when I just feel like posting, about things that I can do without. Things that happen to come across my day or desk or my LIFE that I'd prefer just found their way into the trash, in space, or maybe never existed at all. Today, I had a few of those encounters, but let me share one with you now.

#1
"Peace Be With You" during Catholic Mass
Don't get me wrong. I like Mass. Ok, let me take that back. I like going to Mass for the chance to see how messed up other people are, which COMPLETELY defeats the purpose of going to Mass. ManLosch is Catholic and a little more devout than I am (I took the adult religious ed classes a few years ago to actually just acquire an organized religion for the first time in my life). He goes every Sunday and I go every Sunday that I can wake up without feeling groggy. Anyway, I digress. So you know the part during Mass where you're supposed to turn to your neighbor and "offer them a sign of peace?" You shake their hands, some people hug and say "Peace Be With You" or just "Peace." Some people even go so far as having conversations.

Yea, I HATE this part. I told this to ManLosch one day and he said "What? You don't like offering people peace?" And it's not that. I DO wish peace upon people. So why do I need to vocalize it? Why can't I just keep it to myself? Better yet, since we're supposed to be believing in a higher power, why can't you just TRUST me that I worked it out with Jesus up there to wish you and yours a sign of peace? Do you really need me to shake your hand and awkwardly smile? Especially you, with the hand that I KNOW just changed the diaper or wiped your kid's saliva ridden mouth. Ew.

Know what else I can do without? When some churches make you turn around right before Mass starts just to say "Hi" to your neighbor. What is with the double "Peace Be With You?" I don't think so. You're going to have to choose when you want me to say what's up and wish you peace. It's not happening twice. Especially if your kid just kicked the back of my foot while I was trying to pray peacefully before Mass. You can actually expect NO peace-wishing for you. Maybe just a piece of my foot up your........

Yea.

Are We Breaking Up? Part 2

Dear Comcast,

I'm sorry it had to be this way, but it's just not working out anymore. Yes, ManLosch and LaLosch are moving on from you. It's time. I'm going to need you to calmly take back your DVR and your Cable HD Box and move on out of our lives. I think we need a break.

No...please. Stop. Get your vile prices off of us. It wasn't meant to be. Can't you see that? We've matured and realized that our bank accounts have not. And you aren't willing to compromise with us anymore. What?.....Yes. It's not even close to us. It's definitely all you. You suck at life. What's that?......Why do you need to know if it's someone else? That's none of your business. Can't you see it's just not working out between us anymore? Okay fine. Yes, there IS someone else. It's name is Verizon FiOS and they are offering us better prices, supposed faster internet service, and a few more HD channels. It's for the best right now. They are willing to work with us and they are giving us a few free months of HBO and Showtime too. You gave us shitty "Starz." Who the hell watches Starz anyway?! Right. No one.

We can set up a time for you to come pick up your things, but let's make this as pain free and easy as possible. We all knew this was coming. You can't be surprised. Excuse me? Did you just call me a b*tch? That's alright. You're just angry. Take your boxes and be gone. It's over. Like, REALLY OVER.

Yours in Christ,
The Loschs

Busy Lady

So I've been on the move this week. I've occupied my brain (maybe too much) with something to do every night so far. And those that keep up with my life outside of my blog know that I've been having trouble sleeping for the last few weeks. So let's hope that changes soon!
Enough of that.....

Monday night, ManLosch and I went to see a documentary called "We Live in Public."If you ever need to be reminded of how UN-private your life is, go see it. It was REALLY good, about this dude named Josh Harris. This dude is F*CKED up. I mean, royally. I don't even want to say in a good way; just the way he viewed humans, just another "experimental rat" in his restless tirade of ideas. Ugh. But damn. It was good. Very good. Sparked some good conversation between ManLosch and I.

Tuesday night, I branched out and tried a different yoga class. I went to Yoga Sculpt. And the instructor was actually a sub for the regular woman. His name is Skylar. And he........was.......hot. Okay, sorry. I was a little distracted by the hotness, but I did concentrate on the workout. It's pretty intense. Almost a little TOO intense for me. But my co-worker informed me that the normal class isn't as intense, which is good. So I think I will try it next Tuesday. And I GUESS it's ok to to tell everyone now, that I have a yoga friend! We met at the regular Wednesday night class and we bonded in the locker room about how we hated partnering up in that class. So we agreed to try out the Tuesday class, exchanged emails, and it actually worked! So we went and we both liked it, so we even talked about trying weekend classes too. Yay for yoga friends. :)

I still went to my regular Wednesday night class tonight and I'm ready to freakin punch a pony. STOP PARTNERING US UP PLEASE! Yoga isn't about partnering. Srsly. Ugh. Not to mention I barely had enough energy tonight to even do Savasana. Anyway....

Back to watching "Glee." :-)

Leno Lockdown

Aaaahaha, Kanye on Leno. CMON! Kanye, damn man. You makin' me get ghetto on you right now. Okay, okay.

Look, Kanye, what you did to Taylor Swift was AWFUL. I don't really like her or her songs (they ALL sound the same), and yea, I might have rooted for Beyoncé too because I just like her, but DAMN MAN. You keep taking steps back for black folk. I promise you, people of the Caucasian persuasion, we don't all interrupt people accepting awards at high profile events.

You kinda apologized on Leno, but dammmmmmmmit MAN, you sounded retarded. Like you were stumbling on an apology. Too many outbursts dude. You can be a celebrity and still do good for other people you know. It IS possible to control those outbursts of egotistical rage.

Rant over.

Moral: Step it up Kanye. Stop your maniacal madness.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Today, I volunteered at a University of Miami Info-Session here in the Beantown area. ManLosch also volunteered, so NATURALLY, we went together. I found out who would be conducting the session and before we left the house, I said to ManLosch "$10 he doesn't remember who I am."
Wanna know why I said that? Because I worked in the Admission Office there for 2 years, then worked in the College of Engineering Admissions Office with links to the general Admission office for one year before we moved up to Boston. So, the point was, the dude who was running the session, should have NO DOUBT remembered who I was. ManLosch even said "Yea right. He'll remember. Stop. You should have more faith in people."

So we get to the hotel, we are helping to check parents and kids in, and there he is. Let's call him "Jimbo Jones." So Jimbo finally sees us and walks over. He sticks out his hand for a handshake to me and says "Hey, Jimbo Jones....." I TOTALLY shook it too because I wanted Ryan to see this and drink it in. I wanted to see exactly how long it was going to take Jimbo to recognize me. Then he looked at Ryan and looked at me again and said "Wait a minute....." Then he laughed. So with all the "Where do you guys live now?" and "How are you guys, wow it's been 2 years huh?", he walked inside the meeting room. I kicked my legs in the air Superbad style and said "PAY UP!!!!!!" Ryan pulled out $10 and I told him "Well, just buy me dinner instead."

Here is what makes this even worse. I put together the student recruitment video while I was working there with my mentor, Nikki. We worked on it for 12 hour days sometimes. And MANLOSCH IS EVEN IN THE VIDEO. YES. My husband's face shows up everytime an admissions officer plays that video, which is MULTIPLE times a day sometimes. That recruitment video was supposed to be Jimbo's project, but it got dumped on me and Nikki. All that.....and he shook my hand. Eh, at least dinner was good. :-)

addendum: text conversation between me and Nikki
me:Hey Nikki, so I'm doing the UM Info Session. And I bet Ryan $10 that Jimbo wouldn't remember who I was. Aahaha. Guess who won?
nikki: Noooooooo
nikki: Like didn't remember name or anything?
me: He stuck his hand out to me and said "Jimbo Jones." I almost shit my pants. Then he looked at me and Ryan and was like "wait a minute.."
nikki: LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dry Heave Donuts

I had to work the early shift this morning at work (um, I still am, but needed to express my true disgust before continuing on with the day) so I decided to grab a few Munchkins at Dunkin' Donuts to enjoy with my mid-morning coffee.

On my way out the door, this guy stops at the door and begins dry heaving. He looked a little like this:
This is before 7am, mind you. He's dry heaving and then spits up a little at the door......

AND WALKS OUT.

The guy waiting for his breakfast sandwich is frozen, staring at the guy, unable to move because he was pretty much thinking the same thing I was, which was "Whaaaaaaat just happened? And why did he walk out and leave his %#&# at the door of a food establishment?"

I hopped over the mat and walked out the door. Will I still enjoy my Munchkins today? Hell yea. Because I paid for them and I'm going to eat them. But if I see that guy again, buddy, I swear I'm going to grab your neck and force your face down to the mat to clean it up with a napkin attached to your tongue.

Get it together.

It's Great..To Be..A Miami Hurricane!

HOLY SH*$!!!!!

I'm dedicating my 100th blog post to my Canes. Just beat FSU, and it was a battle. If I stayed awake for the whole game, then yea, it was an AMAZING game.

FSU? Yea, go put it somewhere. We needed this win. Whatchu' know 'bout them Miami boys, Hurricane, Ballin Boys?!

It's all about the U.

(stay tuned for your regularly scheduled blog)

Stuff Lexi Likes #2

And my list of things I like out of the "Stuff White People Like" book continues...stay tuned, because people...we WILL find out just how white I am.

#25 Manhattan (And Now Brooklyn Too!)
This is a little unfair only because I grew up too close to NYC to NOT love Manhattan. I practically lived there, so yea. This one is a given. I will ALWAYS love NY. Take that and put it in your "cawfee."

#33 Marijuana
Right. Nuff said.

#36 Brunch
I EFFIN LOVE BRUNCH. OMG, I LOVE BRUNCH. Stop the madness and pass me a mimosa please. Or like 5 mimosas. It's the perfect blend after you've been out all night drinking your liver down the tube and you wake up feeling like crap. You say to yourself "Dang homie, it's already 11:30am. I could totes eat some breakfast, but damn that roast beef is lookin fine too." Enter brunch. The perfect union of eggs, bacon, crab legs, alcohol to ease the pain of the previous nights alcohol, rice, shrimp, and sandwiches. Maybe some fruit. Damn. Lovin it.

#42 Sushi
Yum. Sorry. So good. I love sushi. Especially that Ebi Mango sushi me and ManLosch had about a week ago. Well the sushi ManLosch ordered and that I practically inhaled.

#53 Dogs
According to the book, in the white culture, dogs are considered training before having children. Hell yea! Because I've had LoschDog for over 5 years now and still no kid. So guess where MY brain is? Yea, on going to brunch.

Our Clearance Puppy

Saturday, while at Target, we bought "Marley and Me." We saw the movie when it came out in the theater and we noticed that it was on sale on Blu-Ray yesterday. So why NOT buy it? We love dogs and we loved the movie. Even ManLosch couldn't hold back the tears when we first saw it.

So we watched it last night, me enjoying my recliner and Ryan actually enjoying the fact that he can stretch out on the regular couch. While we were watching it and laughing at all of the things Marley got into, I realized that I was laughing because Jordan (LoschDog) has done alot of things in his time growing into the little 5 year old terror that he is. Now don't get me wrong, he has calmed down ALOT in his 5 1/2 years. According to those that just meet him though, he's f*$%in crazy. Jordan has had his fair share of mishaps and Marley moments and I'd like to share them with you. Not all of them, maybe a few every now and then. And hopefully, LoschDog isn't the 2nd World's Worst Dog.

Jordan has eaten drywall. I repeat, he HAS eaten drywall. We placed him in the kitchen in Miami when we were testing his ability to be out of the cage while we were gone. Well apparently, he didn't like open space and not knowing where we were, so he decided to chew a nice big hole in the kitchen wall. We returned home to clumps of drywall that had been eaten, regurgitated, and possibly eaten again. Ryan patched that hole up nicely.

Jordan also used to love chewing on the baseboards of walls. I caught him on the morning of my undergrad graduation, barely even 3 months old then. He was chewing at the baseboard like it was gourmet kibble. I yelled out "JORDAN!" and he quickly looked up and walked away with the look on his face that said "What? I didn't do anything." He also had all of the white paint around his nose, sooo yea. It looked like he had done EXACTLY what you think he could have been doing if he was human.

Jordan used to hate the UPS man for some reason. We could NEVER figure out why. Anytime he rang our doorbell, Jordan would go into a fit of canine rage and honestly try to either eat, mangle, or maybe just scare off the UPS man. Maybe he didn't like brown. Because he was fine with USPS.

Jordan has eaten a roll of toilet paper before.

Jordan has swallowed chicken wings whole. Usually at SuperBowl parties.


The joys of being a dog owner. I actually wouldn't give it up for the world. :)

LaLosch becomes ManLosch

I promise that I haven't completely turned into a man, but um, I totally bought Irish Spring today and am loving the way it makes me feel so fresh AND so clean (thanks Outkast!).

I have also fallen in love this weekend......with this baby:

I am the proud owner of this recliner now. My pony punching co-worker Jared (also known as "j" in some of my posts) gave this to me for FREE since he's moving. It's been a lifelong dream of mine to own a recliner, and so I begged ManLosch if I could have it. He hesitated and I said loudly "IT'S FREEEEEEEE." He was still hesitant but gave in. He absolutely hates recliners (which to me is against a cardinal man law or something). I even offered a trial period, and if it didn't work out, we could easily just bring it to Salvation Army.

Well folks, I think it's working out. I'm writing this blog WHILE IN the recliner. And I'm reclined too. And I'm happy. This may just be the honeymoon period, but who knows what's in store for me and the recliner? This is just the beginning.

Another Losch Pointless Discussion

So I asked ManLosch a question yesterday during breakfast about citizenship. Here was the conversation that took place:

me: "So, let's think hypothetically ok? Let's say a kid was born in Antarctica. What would his/her citizenship be?"
manlosch: "That wouldn't happen."
me: "Did you not hear me say HYPOTHETICAL?"
manlosch: "Yeah but that still can't happen. They won't allow it."
me: "Who is 'they'?"
manlosch: "I dunno. Hospitals and law enforcement and important people."
me: "But just think hypothetically for a minute. Let's say it was for research. And a researcher and her husband got it on and she got pregnant. And she gave birth while on Antarctica. Would the kid's citizenship default to the parents?"
manlosch: "No." (Then he told me something about John McCain and where he was born and how something something something Darkside, I don't quite remember)
me: "But why can't the kid be Antarctican?"
manlosch: "That's not even real."
me: "So he'd be American?"
manlosch: "No, he'd be Czechoslovakian."

Sometimes it takes awhile, but I can get ManLosch engaged in some pretty pointless discussions with me. :)

Dinos in Disguise

I had a dream last night. I'm about to share with you the dream I had. And when I share this dream with you, DO NOT LAUGH LIKE MANLOSCH DID IN THE CAR.

So I totally dreamt that I was in the 3rd Transformers movie. It was "Transformers 3: Return of Jurassic Park." So yea. "Jurassic Park" essentially found it's way into the "Transformers" movie and there were alot of explosions, ripped tank tops, and guns. I was the Shia LaFluff (except totally looking like Megan Fox) in the movie. This is why dreams are great. I got to have the body of Megan Fox. Score.

I got to drive Bumblebee and the LoschDog was my sidekick. And we drove around town shooting bad dinosaurs and kickin' ass against T-Rex. LoschDog was actually really bright and would hand me my weapons and bullets and shit. Then Optimus Prime came out of nowhere and we started kicking ass like we were best friends from around the way. T-Rex trying to bite my arm off? That would be one swift Optimus Prime punch to the dino face. Booyah.

So I tell ManLosch my dream right? And he busted out laughing in the car. I told him to stop, that I really had this dream, and it was really really cool at the time. I said "You know what? My dream had all the elements of a Michael Bay movie. Just you wait. WAIT." He laughed some more at the ridic-ness of it. Fastfoward to dinner; we had one of his friends over to hang out. We're enjoying my awesome brisket and I decided to tell ManLoschFriend about my dream. And guess what?

He thinks it's an AWESOME idea.

You hear that Michael Bay? I just came up with your next movie. And it was easy. You can pair up with Spielberg again and hire me to play the hot chick who knows how to punch ponies and kick ass.

You can just write that check out to "LaLosch" Mike. Thanks.

The Name Game

I went to get breakfast at Panera this morning because I worked the early shift at work, in addition to my normal hours. 7am is too early to really eat breakfast I think, so I walked over to get a breakfast sammie at about 8:30am.

I gave the woman my order. She asked for my name. I said "Alexis."
(I never give Lexi because I can only IMAGINE how they would butcher up the spelling of that)

She said "Uh, I'm just going to put 'Alex' ok?"

B*$ch did I SAY my name was Alex? If I wanted my friends and family to think I crossed over to being a male, then yes, Alex would have been MORE than appropriate. Why can't you add the extra two letters? Do 2 extra letters cost more money? Would I get taxed more? Would I get less cheese on my sandwich because of the extra effort of adding the "-is" to my name? Would you expire and fall onto the cash register because you punched in two more letters?

Panera, PLEASE. Everytime I go there anyway and give you Alexis, you come up with these doozies:
Alexes
Lexis
Elexis
Aleces
Lexus
Alexia
Alexys
And there have been others.

Stop the madness. Srsly.

Lexi's Adventures

Ok, I have SO many things I'd love to update you on, and I'm not sure if I should go chronologically, but I'm just going to be a little random and first tell you about my gym adventures today:

So this month, you can bring a friend for free on Wednesdays and ManLosch came with me to the gym tonight. Drumroll please.......he came to yoga! Usually there are more guys there, but for some reason the class was small today. The Chippy was there but Douchey Derrick was not. I wanted ManLosch to see the exchanges between them but its ok. The Chippy brought a free friend too. No big. So the instructor Nina says "I want to make an effort to learn the regulars' names, so..." Then she points to me and says "I see you alot, every week, in the back, right? What's your name?" I said "Lexi." She said "Ohhh, that's nice. Like Lexington?"

WTF?!?!?!???! LEXINGTON?!!

I said "No, it's short for Alexis. But I prefer Lexi." She said "Oh, that's nice. Oh, and who is sitting next to you?" I said "It's my husband. Free friend." She seemed very excited that there were 2 free friends in her class that day. But I secretly cursed myself because NOW THE CHIPPY KNOWS MY NAME! And she knows I'm married. Therefore, she already knows too much about me, and will now share that information with ElDouche when he returns. Grrr....Either way, Ryan said he liked yoga ok. He might have liked it more if he knew what the poses and stuff were, but said he was sure he'd like the 2nd or 3rd class more. I don't think he'll come next week, but he mentioned playing basketball if he could come with me. Boys.

So anyway, as most of you know, I've been back and forth alot the last 2 weeks. Unfortunately, there were two deaths; one on Ryan's side and one on mine. Chicago and then New York in 2 weeks with a little Boston in between is a little tiring, but it's family. And we love our families. On our flight back to Boston, of course it was delayed and some guy was yelling about the delay to the point of a flight attendant telling him that they would keep him off the flight. Then as we boarded and pulled away from the gate, the plane lost power. Then we went back to the gate, and tried to leave again and lost power again. Then we sat on the plane for 45 minutes while they figured it out. Then we pulled away again and a family THEN decided that they didn't feel safe and wanted to get off. So we had to pull back up the gate, wait for them to disarm the doors AGAIN, let them off, and then we FINALLY left. We got home at 3:30am on Monday. I went to work that day.

Tuesday, my mom told me about the next death. We drove to NY Friday morning. The wake was interesting. The funeral home was playing music in the room. "No Air" by Jordin Sparks began to play. And Michael Jackson "Human Nature" played too. Um....WHAT?! I'm really serious, I PROMISE you that I'm not kidding about that.

Yea, it's been an interesting two weeks. I'll give better details later maybe. I'm just happy enough to be home, see my dog, and sleep in my own bed. Still trying to find that peace of mind.......

Doritos, Cheetos, and Fritos, Oh My!

Normally, I don't blog about work. But you know what, I'm not really talking about work. I'm about to share with you one of my deepest frustrations known to employees around the globe:

Yes. Shitty Vending Machine Options.

Many an employee suffers at the hands of SVMO. I noticed today just HOW shitty the options are. I was eating lunch in our break room and my friend J (punch-a-pony) walks in. He makes his usual joke about buying the Chuckles.

Yea, we have CHUCKLES in our vending maching. Chuckles. Wtf is a Chuckle ANYWAY?!

So J says "I'm totally gonna buy the Chuckles." And then I really thought about what's in the vending maching. There are about 8 different chip options. Of those 8, 6 of them have some sort of cheese on them: Cheetos, Nacho Cheese Doritos, Cheezits, Sun Chips Harvest Cheddar, Smartfood White Cheddar popcorn, and Cheddar & Sour Cream chips. Then there are plain Lays chips, that really, no one likes. And FRITOS. Who the f*%k eats Fritos?! If you want to pump a load of salt and nasty overprocessed curly tortilla chips in your body, go for it.

Then we've got the few things us normal workers would eat like Peanut M&M's. A Twix every now and then. And the all important Cup O' Noodles.

What else is in there? PayDays (J had to explain to me that these are basically freakin sticks of caramel dunked in a barrel of peanuts), a $2.00 Zoe PowerBar, Apple Cinnamon oatmeal, Brown Sugar Pop-Tarts, Plain ChexMix, TrailMix, and Cream Cheese and Chives crackers. And we still have the Chuckles guys. Don't forget the Chuckles. Another co-worker sitting at the table confessed to me that he has to come to the vending maching 3 times before he succumbs to finally buying some form of a "snack." But it takes 3 tries before he can even force himself to do anything about his hunger pangs.

I've decided to write a passive-aggressive note to the vending machine man (because this isn't really something that the company has control over) and stick it on the inside of the vending machine so when he comes to fill it, he will see this through the glass:

Dear Vending Machine Man,

Please stop putting shit in the vending machine. Have you noticed that you haven't had to refill the Chuckles? Yes. Because no one EATS the Chuckles. About 95% of the company can't even tell you what a Chuckle is. Please give us snacks that aren't covered in cheese. I would like to live past 35 years of age, and might appreciate a healthier snack, or maybe even the Doritos that MOST people like (which would be the blue bag). Please consider our plea. If you would like to find out what we like to snack on, you are more than welcome to survey the floor and we will happily assist you in choosing appropriate products for the machine.
Thank you for your time and at least for giving us Peanut M&M's.

The Floor

Punch That Pony

So I have a friend who is obsessed with me punching ponies. Actually he's just obsessed with pony punching it seems. And anytime I have a "moment" he'll ask "So did you punch a pony?" So that's usually the new phrase of how angry someone can get. Pony-punching anger. Anyway, check out the brief conversation I had with said friend at work:

me: "my hand itches. what does that mean?"

j: "huh?"

me: "you know when people say your ears itch, someone is talking about you"

j: "uh.."

me: "oh i mean when your ears burn! when your ears burn someone is talking about you."

j: "oh yea. thats right."

me: "so my hand is itching. what does that mean again?"

j: "it means you need to go find a pony to punch."

Updates I Promise

Look, I know I've been a slacker. I know. I promise I will update you all soon with all the happenins of my life. My husband's grandmother passed away last week and my brother's grandmother passed away yesterday morning. Needless to say, I'm not having the best 2 weeks ever. But I've still got stories and I promise that they will get shared VERY SOON.

Indeed.

Thanks for your patience. Any questions, comments, complaints?
Please forward them to Mr. Ryan Losch.

Stay classy San Diego.


LaLosch

Da Lobster

Yea, I'll visit a Red Lobster WHENEVER I can. We're in the Losch stomping grounds for a long weekend and I've already had Steak n' Shake and White Castle. Red Lobster just tops it all off. I'm full and happy. I'll bring you some biscuits.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Stuff Lexi Likes

Ok, so I own "Stuff White People Like." But c'mon, I'm married to a white man! I feel like it's a sort of bible, if you will, to learn the ways of my husband's people. But I thought I thought it was so hilarious, that I bought the book at a Christian Lander book reading in Harvard Sqaure and he signed my copy of the book. He wrote "Lexi, Welcome." :)

So anyway, ManLosch (and a few other friends and relatives) are convinced that I'm part white, and that I should go through the book and find things that I like. So I will be sharing with you what I have in common and at the end, how white I actually am. And if you can't find the humor in this, stop now. Because I find the humor in this; I'm completely comfortable in my own skin and being a lovely black woman, so if you WON'T find the humor in this, just go watch Diddy's new reality show or something (yea, it's on right now, I'm "watching" it).

#15 Yoga
I love yoga. No I won't go out and buy $80 pants for it, but I agree that you can't do yoga in jeans or JUST regular sweatpants. And I don't dump large amounts of money into paying for it (just part of my gym membership). But yes, I love me some yoga, except for Douchey Derrick.

#24 Wine
Look, I'm sorry, I love wine! It's quicker than a mixed drink for me and goes oh so great with dinner. I don't really know where they come from, I embrace all wines. So does that really make me THAT white? I don't discriminate.

#25 David Sedaris
WHAT?! He's a funny man! And yes, I would pay to hear/see him read. And I would totally set up the jokes in my head because I'd know they'd be coming. And I'd talk about it later. And I'd make you feel awful for not going.

I encourage you to find a copy of the book and read it so you can follow along with my updates until I ultimately tell you how "white" I am. Because if you DON'T get a copy, I'm going to make you feel awful for not picking it up and reading it.

Which Would You Choose?

My best friend Marcus is in town this weekend. I had the day off work today, so this morning was the first morning in awhile that I was able to watch Maury (re-runs) and my fave, The Price is Right. As we're watching it, I turned to Marcus and asked,

"Would you rather be a Price is Right model or one of Howie's models on Deal or No Deal?"

He thought about and said "I think the Price is Right. You get to do shit on the Price is Right. I feel like you just stand there on Deal or No Deal. That's all."

We then came up with different scenarios of if either one of us was on Deal or No Deal:

"Howie, I'm tired. I'm gonna sit"
"Shit, my ankles hurt. Ain't nothin in this suitcase but a damn $1 anyway."
"I'm gonna go sit in the audience until homegirl decides to call my case. Matter of fact, Anya here can open it up for me."
"Can I get a lawnchair? Maybe just a cushion?"
::Tries to leave the steps, trips, and falls down the flight of glass steps, taking out a few girls on the way with the suitcase::

When ManLosch came to the living room, I asked him the same question. He would also choose to be a Price Is Right ho than one of Howie's Ho's. He exclaimed that there is more to do on the Price is Right set, you get to model more things and change outfits. Very valid point ManLosch. I agree. I think I'd rather be a PIR girl too. I'd like to model the Ford Focus that ExcitedWomanWithTheBrightPinkShirtWithDrewOnIt wants to win.

So, it's the long awaited question: Price is Right model or Deal or No Deal model???

Julia Child I Will Be(And Stylish)

Don't ever doubt my cooking skills because I will be the next Julia Child with this:




It's only $47.94 on Amazon for a 6 ct. I won't ever have to make another chicken. Ever.
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Yes. Bread in a can.

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Fresh Whole Rabbit

Rabbit. On Amazon. Whole rabbit. Fresh. Fresh whole rabbit on Amazon.
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Zubaz Pants

Harvey

Knowing you lied
Straightfaced
While I cried.

Last Friday, I went to a reading. My writing class teacher invited us all to hear him read two pieces, one long and one short essay. One had never been read aloud. So I decided to go. ManLosch came with me as well. He drove us to Jamaica Plain, because if you've been in the car with me, you've seen me freak out behind the wheel if I don't know where I'm going. We arrived at Java Jo's just in time, and realized that it was actually an Open Mic night.

I was a little hesitant at that point, but realized how great Open Mic nights can be. It gives anyone the chance to showcase their work, whether or not it's good and I think it's important that we as a community of writers, of musicians, of artistic expression, support one another. So we heard a few musicians, heard my writing teacher read (very good btw), and then we were thinking about leaving until Harvey came on. Harvey was an old man with a guitar. I groaned silently, but he started singing and I was immediately pulled in. He played his guitar like it was a bongo; almost banging it with his fingers instead of plucking the strings. He only knew a few chords, but somehow it worked for him. He carried a weight of sadness through him and I felt it everytime he huskily sang "...knowing you lied, straightfaced, while I cried." He sang more song that he wrote after that, and I was SO intrigued by him, that I started thinking about him and what his life might have been like.

Did he ever have a wife? Was she pretty? Did she die? Did he ever go to war? Did he have children? How did he learn guitar (or the few chords he knew)? Where did he get those brown loafers from? Why is he taking the bus alone at 9:30pm? He's so tan; I wonder if he likes to sit on benches alot. Does he have a big family? Is he Jewish? He looks Jewish. Wait, how does someone LOOK Jewish? Hmm.....

All through the questions running through my head, I still envisioned him heading home, to a tuna sandwich and a cup of coffee. He would sit in his recliner with his basic cable television and watch the news, muttering to himself how things used to be different.

We left right after Harvey sang and I said a silent prayer for him; that he wasn't really lonely and sad. That my imagination was just active and on overdrive that night, fueled by too much creativity around me. Or maybe it was the coffee.....